Dear Swinger: What a
great letter—so many points of view. Most every
reader will find him or herself playing one or more
of these roles in their own similar dramas.
My reply to you depends upon how willing you are
to acknowledge your power. Would you be willing to
look at the possibility that you unconsciously
masterminded this whole drama? If not, let the world
take a few more turns and your integrity will create
yet another incident in which you'll find yourself
blaming others for the frictions your
leadership-communication skills produce.
Let's begin with a given: Whenever two are at odds
for an extended period of time there is always a
third party in the wings intending it. This intender
is usually pretending to be the ally of one or both
of the squabblers. This third party is usually
unaware that they are intending it, and, they are in
denial that their leadership-communication skills
(mostly non verbal-psychic emanations) have such
effects; often it's an unconscious thwarting to be right
about something.
For certain there's lots
of stuff going on between you and your wife. If a
friend, someone I respect, tells me another trashed
them I would believe them. What's also true is my
friends communicate responsibly (from cause) and so
this friend would continue relating the incident,
emptying their mind, until they got to their cause
in the matter. To tell a story from blame is to lie.
It also dumps the problem in another's space. It
could be said that you have set up your wife to
support you in learning how to communicate
responsibly. That is to say, she has had no choice
but to blame her friend because you support her in
blaming, because you also communicate from blame.
At the mind-level your wife expects you to stand
up for her. To your credit, at some level, but for
the wrong reasons, you can't bring yourself to
support the results she produced through her
leadership-communication skills.
I say,
"mind-level" meaning that if we try to use our mind
to resolve this we won't succeed. The mind wants to
be right, that she . . . etc..
It might be
valuable for you to look and see if you are
unconsciously masterminding a divorce by setting it
up for her to issue ultimatums. This incident is
really about something else between you and your
wife, it's an accumulation of
incompletes,
withholds, unacknowledged and non-verbalized
perpetrations that you both have with each other.
You don't say whether
the "offensive" incident was about racism, morals, ethics, or
a legal issue. This is important. We do know that it involved
abuse because your wife is experiencing upset. You
refuse to acknowledge her discomfiture. This
invalidates her and causes her immense frustration.
It's abusive of you to treat your wife this way. If
your wife's friend supports racism or abuse or is
involved in something illegal/unethical then there
is a supportive way to
estrange oneself
from such a relationship. Keep in mind, your golf buddy
(however unconscious he may be) supports his wife in
offending (abusing) yours. The same holds true for
you; you support your wife in badmouthing and
abusing her friend. We know this from the results.
Your golf buddy is
one of the third parties in the wings, as are you.
You and your buddy act as though no fight is taking
place. It's time to take golf to another level and
get into communication with each other. Then the
both of you can engage the women in the
conversations it will take to get to the source of
the incident. Tip:
Don't hang out with people who refuse to find and
acknowledge their cause in fights they
start/support.
Here's my advice: Tap
into the Wisdom of Solomon. Get into communication
with both women and support each in communicating
their cause in the matter. Now the problem with this
advice is that you can't
do it. Even if you attempt to mediate a peaceful
resolution you won't succeed. Why? Because your wife
is mirroring for you an earlier and similar incident
in your life for which you are still blaming (and
shunning) another. Until you resolve that incident
you can't be the space for truth to be told, and, no
one around you will be able to get to the truth of
who starts their fights.
This is a tremendous
opportunity for you and lots of others. Your letter
is a gift to those who are stuck producing (and
reproducing) similar outcomes. —Thank you.
Gabby
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Last edited
12/9/21
