Wife walked out on him but won't explain / How did I drive her out of my life?

Dear Prudence: My wife of five months has left me. One Sunday we were fine, and the next day she was gone. No call, no note, nothing. It has now been about a month, and she still won't talk to me. We never had a fight or an argument, all of our friends are as baffled as I am.

Everyone tells me that I was a model husband. This is her second marriage. (Her first ended in divorce.) She is now 23, and I am 30. I wish I knew what went wrong. We dated for almost two years before marriage. Any advice? —Heartbroken in So. CaL Girlfriend

Prudie's Reply:

Dear Heart: A 23-year-old who simply leaves husband—no explanation offered—just might be what went wrong. It is entirely possible this girl is immature and has turned marriage into just another dating experience. —Prudie, philosophically

Gabby's Reply:

Hi Heart: Do you suppose it had anything to do with the fact that you're addicted to make-wrong and blame? A responsible person would have written, "I drove my wife out of my life." or, "I'm so incredibly unconscious I didn't have a clue she was not happy." Or, "I've so upset her that I've caused her to not want to talk with me." Or, "I see now that I have not been a safe space for her to share what must have been on her mind for quite a while."

Certainly a part of what drove her away was your imitation of communication. You honestly and sincerely believe that what you know about communication is what it is; you had been relating with her yet the results show that she was withholding hundreds (yes hundreds) of thoughts from you, each of which were being communicated nonverbally, indicating her incompleteness, her integrity, none of which were you conscious enough to get. This means you also have been withholding an equal number of thoughts from her; these kinds of problems are the consequences of deceit.

I suspect she learned, from previous conversations with you, that it would be hopeless to try and communicate that she was having thoughts of leaving.  She may have intuited that any attempt at explaining would have come out as blame and make-wrong. She may have discovered that she doesn't have the leadership-communication skills to let you know why she wants out. She might know with certainty that she could not have you simply get it; that if she tried to explain it you would have argued and tried to change her mind. Conning a date into having sex, after their first "No," is tantamount to date rape. Did you talk (con) her into your first sex or into marrying you? Could it be that marriage wasn't her idea?

Perhaps you approached her and conned her into the first date when the truth is she would never have chosen you? Could this be part of the disrespectful abusive anger she's dramatizing? Few men have the confidence to wait for a woman to initiate the first conversation and ask them out.

Possibly she didn't know how to let you know that those you call "friends" are as unconscious as you. Notice that they have been ineffective in supporting you in seeing your cause in the matter? This is partly because they all have similar "victim" stuff going on in their relationships. I'm guessing you have been unable to see that you have caused them to take your side and blame her. You've even conned them into thinking you're a "model husband." They are not the kind of friends she wants you to have; in truth they kept you both stuck producing more of the same. Notice that not one of them could see that what you had with her was the illusion of a marriage. None could get the non-verbal communications of dissatisfaction emanating from her 24/7. None could pick up that neither of you were present (conscious, awake). For certain she was withholding all sorts of thoughts from you and them and not one of you were in-integrity enough to pick up on it. That is to say, a person who is in-integrity can experience when another is withholding a thought, when the person is not present in real-time. It's an aura thing. Do The [free] Clearing Process and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. You'll be so much clearer that you will hear/experience a lie (yours/another's) within seconds.

It's going to take more than a "wish" to get the full impact of your cause, but when you do you will be a new person. I strongly recommend that you enroll all of your friends in a weekend-long leadership-communication skills workshop with you, or, if they won't go with you, then recess them until they will.

You don't say, but is it possible that you and your friends communicate your religious/political beliefs in a way that invalidates another/others? —perhaps unconscious self-righteousness masked as tolerance and acceptance?

It's easy to see that your wife needs extensive therapy or counseling to address her abuse and control issues—it's abusive to treat another as she has you and it's controlling to keep you incomplete and confused. What's not going to be easy for you is to see that she mirrors you exactly, that you are equally abusive and controlling. You set her up (however unconscious you may have been) to abuse you. "Equally" meaning that you both need the same number of hours of counseling/therapy. If you resume talking with your friends, sans a workshop, they will keep you in denial; unconscious mediocrity requires company, you will continue to create breakdowns in communication.

"Advice"? Next time around ask a date about all their former relationships, what "happened" with each; specifically, what they did/did not do to destroy each one. To not do so could support the person in not cleaning up incompletes/abuses with others, which always affects the growth potential of any new relationship/endeavor. To date a person who badmouths/blames their ex (or a parent) is setting life up for them to eventually blame/badmouth you.

More advice: Do not engage in further interactions with your wife until she has completed The Clearing Process or, has completed 25-hours of therapy/counseling, to do so would reveal your addiction to abuse, to needing as much therapy, and your intention to keep her stuck.

It's also possible that she left because she left (an example of a koan). Possibly, what's there for you to "know" is to be complete (attached-not attached) in a relationship at every moment in time. Perhaps what's up for you is to start playing the mindfulness-enlightenment game.

Having said the above, it's also possible, given your relationship history with her, that something snapped, mentally, overnight, and that she truly has no choice. Her parents might have a clue as to the family's DNA (physical/mental) health history.

Do show your wife, parents and friends this reply. Thank you, Gabby

P.S. We're all assuming someone knows she's alive and not "missing," that the police haven't been called?

To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).

Last edited 12/9/21

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