Dear Abby: I interviewed today for my dream job and have been asked back for a second interview. My problem is, the interviewer was borderline about recommending me because I came across as timid. I know I'd be great for the job. I believe I'll be one of their best—maybe even THE best. However, I also know that interviewers often perceive me as shy and timid. How can I come across as more sure of myself? Hoping and Praying

Abby's Reply:

Dear Hoping and Praying: Be conscious of your posture and don't slump. When you walk in for the interview, smile. It projects confidence and will put those around you at ease. Do not be afraid to make eye contact. When you speak, if you tend to talk softly, pretend you're addressing someone a foot or two behind the interviewer, and it will cause your voice to project with greater volume. Individuals who speak up are perceived as being more self-confident. When the interview is over, smile and make your handshake a firm one. Good luck! —Abby

Gabby's Reply:

Hi Used to be Timid: I replaced your signature, "Hoping and Praying" with the words, "Used to be" to serve as an affirmation of your intention to identify the source of, and complete, your timid act. What I get from your letter is an unconscious intention to act timidly in the future.

One either communicates thoughts as considerations or they talk about them to be right. I suspect you can recall dozens of times where you've used all the same words to describe, explain, or justify your timidity; however, notice that there has been very little if any substantive change in your deportment over the years. The words, "I'm shy, " "It's my nature," "I don't come across as confident." have become a self-fulfilling mantra.  Your words "hoping and praying" served as an affirmation for things to be the same after writing your letter. One either dumps problems in the space of others (advice columnists) or they use others to complete patterns by getting to the source of an undesirable behavior.

Here's an example of a conscious intention:

"I unconsciously presented myself as shy and timid and I intend to get to the source of that act; it's not working for me any more."

You'll have to read the above paragraph several times for it to sink in, for it to get past the mind to the self; if not, you'll still be describing yourself as shy years from now.

Another thing I get from your description of your problem is covert blame. A person who communicates responsibly would have written,

"I unconsciously intend (cause) interviewers to experience me as shy and timid. I don't know why I do this. Also, my tendency is to invalidate their experience instead of getting that it has been my unconscious intention to be perceived that way."

I find it works to validate the experience that I create for others. You've created someone giving you valuable candid feedback "timid" but your question reveals that you are unaware of all that that feedback communicates. Instead of getting his thought as a consideration you bought into it as though it were a deal-breaker, as though your shy act is a fixed and unchangeable condition.  It was in fact a great opportunity to demonstrate outrageous spontaneous humor.

For example, I might have stood up and jokingly said:

"Timid? HOW'S THIS FOR TIMID. YOUR TIE SUCKS. How's that? I assure you I have the ability to cycle in and out of all emotions when it's appropriate."

Here's a question for you: Would you hire you?

A person, who on her second interview, says—

"Thank you for your candor during my first interview.  You were very perceptive. Quite often my demeanor in the presence of authority is deference. If I may take a moment now to speak up for myself; I am absolutely clear that I would be great for this job. I've read that it's easier to supervise a timid person than one who is stuck in ego or false self-confidence. Normally I'd say that your concern would be justified but with me you can be certain that I am open to feedback and when appropriate I am totally willing to say what needs to be said so as to get the job done. I am committed to personal growth, in fact I plan on spending a week at Outward Bound."

or, someone who, on her second interview, tries all the obvious interview tricks, further revealing her inability to be herself, to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, verbally, what's so, in the now.

Replacing a timid act with a confident act ultimately won't work.

The same fundamental communication principle applies whether you're aiming for your ideal personal relationship or for the perfect job, you must be willing to not have it. If the interviewer can acknowledge and appreciate the truth then you have indeed found the perfect company.

For example you might say to the interviewer:

"Before we begin I'd like to say up front that I have a tendency to come across as timid and wimpy but I assure you it's just part of my survival act."

The mind (of the interviewer) when it hears that sentence, to be right, (the purpose of the mind is to cause itself to survive, it does this by making itself right and others wrong) will say to itself, "She's not timid. Timid is not necessarily bad. Heck, I'm timid in some circumstances." The interviewer would have all these thoughts within a nano-second. It disarms them. They simply would not be able to use timid as the sole reason for not hiring you; it would be discriminating, which the mind believes it's not.

You would do well to spend some time with a communication-skills coach. Ask for support in creating a context for communication to take place. Within one free three-hour consultation a coach can support you in recalling the very first time (most likely during childhood) you used timid to survive—since then you've been on automatic with your timid manipulation act. There's a lie in your memory of that first incident; that communication runs you to this day. Your integrity will continually set it up to get feedback about timid and shy until you recreate that communication. When you tell the truth the problem disappears.

Besides "hoping and praying" is it possible that you occasionally use other words with religious connotations in your interactions with strangers? Sometime believers come across as self-righteous. It's best to keep religious jargon out of conversations with those not of your belief.

BTW: A timid act is one way to control others, to manipulate them into being easy with you; it causes (supports-condones) abuse. It magnetically attracts and rewards controlling abusive helpers and enablers. A timid person withholds his/her judgments; such a person cannot be trusted to say what's on his/her mind. A timid act controls others with silence. The controlling abuser comes to resent and disrespect the timid person who puts up with (rewards) condescending abuse.

Great letter. Lots of people will see themselves in it. —Thank you, Gabby

P.S. Do Outward Bound, or The Forum or some similar week-long "awakening" confidence-building experience. Rappelling, rope-sliding, river rafting, even fire-walking, all these have a transformative effect.  Or, volunteer through the Red Cross for an emergency cleanup activity, flood, fire, hurricane. One is never the same thereafter. Ideally, do a tour in the military; very few former military women are timid or "victims" of spousal abuse.

To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).

Last edited 12/10/21