An example of an acknowledgment:

"I've been feeling badly about having said, 'xxx.' I get that I was abusive. I know that it didn't feel good. I'm presently committed to 25 hours of counseling. I request that you honor my estrangement from you until I've heard that you also have completed 25 hours of therapy."

What you're experiencing is the uncomfortableness of being out-integrity (some call it ones conscience).  You are not whole and complete. You created a communication after which neither you nor your ex now feel good. Actually, it was a series of interactions, argument after argument, that were all about an even earlier and similar fight (argument) you started with someone else—most likely one of your parents.

This is about your integrity, it's supporting you in cleaning up (acknowledging) the original, the first such incident in your life. Possibly your anger and blame are such that your mind won't let you recall the first time you acted that way; most likely you have other incompletes with that first person that now serve as barriers to experiencing the guilt associated with that first abuse.

It's also about not verbally communicating your boundaries up front. No cheating, no drugs, no scamming others, etc. What you did (unconsciously) was to non-verbally grant him permission to deceive you, to withhold certain thought from you. Read: Creating a marriage  vow that precludes cheating. Apparently you didn't get clear as to what was so for him and his ex. You were so unconscious you couldn't tell that he wasn't totally with you, that he was incomplete about that relationship.*

How you met is of significance. Was he still dating (sexing) her? Clearly he was not ready to date. Someone coming out of a relationship needs considerable time to complete the experience else it can come across as you trolling for an emotional needy (weak) person, and the possibility, as you've discovered, that the relationship was not over. Did you ask him if it was OK with her for you to be dating/intimate with another? Did you ask what he did to destroy his relationship with his ex? Was there blame in his narration? Obviously you ended up not liking her, perhaps never having met her (which would be proof of him stuck in badmouthing and blame) —and, proof of your addiction to eliciting (enabling) blaming gossip.

Notice that I used the word "interactions" instead of communications. In communication coaching we make the distinction between communicating and talking, exchanging words, etc. When communication takes place there is an experience of mutual satisfaction. When talking takes place there are frequent breakdowns in communication.

The most effective way to clean up your personal relationship mess is to clean up your relationship with the first person in your life with whom you exhibited such behavior. For all intents and purposes that person is still "bleeding" from your abuse, so much so that you won't allow yourself to create and sustain a loving relationship with anyone (read Reunion Conversations then use The [free] Clearing Process to acknowledge life's [mostly teen/childhood] perpetrations). You can use an alias user name.

How you talk about "awful" reveals an inaccurate memory of a childhood incident—one in which the other was sick or deserved it, at best they were awful to you. Sick or not it's you that we're concerned about. What we're looking for is the very first argument, the name of the person, the day, the exact location, and your age. There's something inaccurate about your memory of that incident. That's what all this rage was/is about. Once you tell the truth about that incident you will find that you'll no longer be reacting to specific things that now bug you. And, what's cool is you'll find that you no longer have a need to attract and set people up (people with similar incompletes) to say or do what you've been getting them to do to upset you.

BTW: It works to tell the truth. You write, "A relationship ended last summer . . ." as though it just "happened," as though you had no cause in the matter. A responsible statement would be, "I ended a relationship last summer."

You could send him a letter right now but it would only be your "nice-guilty" act. Without cleaning up your #1 incident your attempt will not have a significant impact on anyone, especially you; and, you'll have to set up life to create it again, giving you yet another opportunity to restore your integrity.**

For certain, it won't work to dump stuff (empty, guilt-generated words in his space), so that you can feel good, ostensibly in hopes that he also might feel good. It wouldn't feel good unless you can say in the letter that you have committed yourself to a series of counselings/therapy or a long-term support group. And, that you will not be interacting with him again until he has completed at least 25 sessions of counseling. Of course you have to absolutely mean this.

Now here's the kicker. No matter how innocent/less abusive your ex appears to be, he needs equally as much therapy. Notice that his intention has been to make you feel as guilty as you do. We know this because that's the result his leadership-communication skills produced. He communicates no responsibility in the matter. In his universe he also masterminded the whole incident, to include setting it up to trigger your fury, possibly to be right that you're sicker than he is. Anyone who would date you now has the same stuff going on. A person in-integrity (someone who is whole and complete with their parents) would simply not repeatedly date you. Your incompletes are written on your face, it's easy to tell, it's an aura kind of thing. Only someone who is out-integrity, someone needing to set up life to support himself in cleaning up some earlier incident, would date you. It appears that this ex may be a helper or an enabler. The point being, if your ex doesn't proactively immerse himself in a completion process he too will keep producing these results—for life.

To be clear. If you start interacting with him again, before both of you have completed a minimum of 25-hours of therapy, you will keep the both of you stuck—it would not be a loving thing to do.  —Thank you, Gabby

* If you recall you began the deceit; you deceived him on your very first date. The thought you withheld from him (herpes, a decision to have, or not have sex, on the first date, a prior abusive relationship, a dysfunctional family) automatically, non-verbally, granted him permission to withhold his thoughts of choice from you. All divorced couples withheld significant potentially deal-breaking thoughts from each other on their first date. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon. Withholders (cons) always always attract withholders (cons).

** If the person with whom you were first abusive is dead or unavailable (or too toxic for you) there are communication processes that will support you in completing that relationship. Ask a therapist about re-scripting or Ask Gabby

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Last edited 1/15/22

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