Dear Suspicious . . .: I trust you are aware that your letter comes from victim and blame. It's important that you acknowledge this. Why? Because, if you don't get to your cause in this matter you will have to recreate the scenario again with your next partner.

While his retort is an abusive make-wrong, your husband also happens to be right. You do need help, equally as much as him. However, the source of the problem is you—and, neither therapy nor the reason you give for being in therapy* will solve your problem. What will work is to read and be with this entire reply. "Be with" as in read and simply get it without reacting. Bookmark it and re-read it several more times over a period of several days—it ain't easy to grok the first time around.

Let's begin at the beginning. It was your karma that attracted a deceitful person. Thousands of people, having no need to get caught for a lifetime of withholds, abuses, and deceits with parents, teachers, and friends, attract partners who honor agreements. It's not that they have been "better" than you, it's that they have acknowledged their perpetrations to themselves and their victims. A person who is whole and complete, having acknowledged all lies, deceits, and perpetrations, can see and hear (experience) another's lie, their mind is not clouded with incompletes. A person who has yet to acknowledge, say to their parents, that they sneaked out to have sex with their boyfriend during high school, cannot always tell when another is being deceitful to them. Sneaky withholders attract sneaky withholders. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.

It could be said that unconsciously attracting and choosing to marry someone addicted to withholding (deceit) thoughts was your integrity at work, supporting you in completing your relationship with your parents and others. Once you have acknowledged your perps you'll be whole and complete and you'll have no need to have another mirror your out-integrity.

The next thing you need to acknowledge is that you have not been a safe space for your partner to tell you the truth. Your present leadership-communication skills unconsciously shut down communication. Truth-telling/exchanging is an acquired leadership-communication skill. So too is withholding, deceiving, lying, and training others to lie to you, an acquired leadership-communication skill. To master being the space in which others tell you the truth you must first commit to hanging around only those who are committed to communicating responsibly, openly, honestly, and spontaneously; my experiences of 44+ years as a coach has shown me that honorable people socialize in very small social/family groups and prefer to not engage in conversations with those whose aura (such as yours) reveals out-integrities. It's best that you start your own group of one and keep a candle lit at all times—you never know when you might find a truthful like-minded person.

You and I grew up emulating what's referred to as the adversarial communication model. It's the same model used within the legal system and by our parents and all (yes all) teachers and clergy. It's characterized by badmouthing, fault-finding, and blaming—each person in the relationship withholding his/her thoughts of choice.  I'll withhold from you that I think you're a wimp and you'll withhold from me that you think I'm self-righteous and arrogant. Instead, we'll both carry on our relationship on top of these thoughts withheld from each other, acting polite, withholding key truths—truths essential to each other's growth (spiritual-as opposed to religious).

Notice also that you did not include a fidelity agreement in your wedding vow. (read, Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating.)

For example: It's most likely that one or more of your friends knew or intuited that something was wrong between you and your betrothed but they withheld the thought, perhaps communicating their disrespect non-verbally by not inviting you to their parties. They withheld their intuition, their experience, for reasons. Reasons are the bane of most relationships. One either communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously, or they have their reasons. A couple either communicates openly with each other or they are stuck doing their imitation of communication. This addiction to withholding thoughts costs each his/her aliveness; for most it's the beginning of the end of the growth within the marriage, for some the accumulation of out-integrities affects their health. Any thought withheld serves as a barrier to the experience of communication (love).

When you are in-integrity it's virtually impossible for your partner to hide things from you and visa versa. Any withhold becomes as "a mote in thine eye." You'll sense in a nano-second when he has something on his mind, usually something he believes will upset you (read about The Clearing Process).

Here are a few telltale signs that you may be unconsciously masterminding a divorce:

1) You are withholding one or more thoughts from him/her. A withhold can be a judgment, a perpetration (even a childhood one), or an unacknowledged abusive communication (you were abusive to your partner and have yet to acknowledge it to yourself or them).

2) You have perpetrated, or still are perpetrating, fraud or deceit which you have yet to acknowledge (cleaned up). Most couples are experiencing the consequences of inaccurate or incomplete job, tax, car/health insurance application forms.

For example:

Cheating: To a high school teacher
Lying: To a parent or former partner
Deceits: Errors/ommissions on forms

In other words, you are run by your arrogance, wanting to believe there are no consequences for childhood perps and abuses. You have been trying to make life work without having to clean up the messes.

3) You support your partner in communicating abusively, condescendingly, without insisting that he/she acknowledge to you that they know they did it, each and every time. Condoning such abuse, by silence, creates contempt and disrespect.

4) You find yourself blaming your partner for your inability to cause him/her to open up to you.

5) You have created subject matter that cannot be discussed.

For example:

If you asked a question and it triggered upset (upset is used to distract another away from a truth) and you did not get your answer, then you have rewarded controlling abuse, for the illusion of harmony.

6) If you honestly think that things would be better if only he/she would open up more, if only they would communicate with you, if only they would answer your questions. This point of view is called blame. You are stuck blaming him/her for your inability to cause communication to take place.

BTW: Both divorced partners (yes both, simultaneously) began the deceit when they brought their addictions to withholding and blaming into the relationship; both chose to withhold a significant thought on or before the first date.  

The answer: Get thee to a communication-skills coach. You (not you and your partner) need to spend some time with a coach. —Thanks, Gabby

* The difference between a therapist and a communication-skills coach is that a coach requires a three-hour appointment during which the source of the problem is identified. The coach will not schedule another appointment until you have estranged yourself from the abuse; whereas a therapist will (except for physical abuse) support you in going back home to co-create more abuse, so as to charge you again and again for additional  appointments.  The curriculum for mental health professionals includes the required university communication-skills courses,** virtually no university, college, or academy curriculums offer any form of leadership training required to be a junior grade military officer; this compared with the thousands of hours required to be acknowledged as a leadership-relationship communication-skills coach. Most mental health majors take all the required Sp-Com courses and still not be able to have a mutually satisfying, open, honest, and  spontaneous (no significant thoughts withheld) conversation with his/her parents. Teachers report that often a therapist's child has more behavior problems than others.

** The very same curriculum required of education majors. Nationwide 25% of college freshman require remedial reading and comprehension courses because their K-12 teachers communicated something—just not the require subject matter through to proficiency.

Comments

Add Image

 

Not using Html Comment Box  yet?

[ top ]