Hi Working: Your letter doesn't address the source of the problem. Worded responsibly it would read, "How do I disappear the fear I have in my relationship with a co-worker?" Or, "What drives me to continually thwart my CEO?"

As written, your letter reveals that you are stuck in covert sabotage of your CEO and that you are addicted to blaming, specifically, your co-worker.

It also reveals that you are unaware of the effects of an unacknowledged out-integrity (a perpetration), by even one employee, on the outcomes of a group, company, organization, or team. For example: Would you trust a brain surgeon who is cheating on his/her spouse to operate on your brain?

Your signature, "Working with a cheat . . ." suggests that you are unaware that you are talking about yourself. Roger merely mirrors your own "morals." Worse yet, you and all the employees are mirroring the out-integrity of your CEO.

Your sentence, ". . . I feel I have broken a pledge . . ." indicates that you are in denial. "Feel?" A responsible statement would be, "I have broken my agreement and I have supported my co-workers in badmouthing another and in thwarting management as well." You have read and understand the company's "Code of Conduct" but you haven't owned it. In the enlightenment game understanding responsibility is the booby prize.

Also, acknowledge yourself for your integrity. Of the millions in the workforce who daily create and condone such perpetrations, you alone, among all of them, are bothered enough to reach out for support. It also reveals that your integrity, though "out," is relatively close to the surface. Although you have a few unacknowledged perpetrations (keep reading) you don't yet have so many that you, unlike Roger, are no longer aware of the consequnces of deceit.

Because your problem is extremely common throughout the workforce, I'm going to mention here that your CEO has sabotaged him/her self. Like Roger, he/she has unconsciously set it up to get caught for a perpetration, one that is hidden from everyone.

To begin with: It is irresponsible for your CEO to dump such a "code" in your space without making it clear exactly how to support it, and, without having you verbally agree to his/her face (eye-to-eye) to honor it. As you can see, signed agreements, created by only one party to the agreement, of themselves don't work. What you signed is what's referred to as an illusion of an agreement. Because it was not communicated it was not co-created; it's just the CEO's good idea of how they want employees to behave. They have had no intention for it to be honored. How do we know? We know because it's not being honored. The CEO is missing the respect it takes to inspire integrity.

Another problem is that you have a CEO who is missing certain fundamental leadership-communication skills. Not to worry; all commandants of military academies are missing these fundamentals. All commandants issue (as opposed to communicate) the "Code of Honor" (read Academy Scandals . . .).  Talking about, issuing, handing out, going over, or saying the rules, (as opposed to co-creating, through communication, the agreements) ensures that they will not be honored. All "Academy" officers (yes all) in the military now, are themselves out-integrity. Each commissioned officer, if asked by a communication-skills coach, one skilled at creating space for the truth to be told, are able to recall one or more infractions of the "Code of Honor" by their fellow cadets for which they did not handle the incident per the "Code" [. . . confront the perpetrator and ask them to report themselves . . .].  Powerful codes "delivered" hypocritically by an individual (such as your CEO) who him/her self is out-integrity, do not get co-created and owned; communication does not take place. Employees and cadets alike have absolutely no choice (none what-so-ever) but to mirror the integrity of their leader; there are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.

Notice also that your leadership-communication skills have caused (unconsciously intended) others to badmouth Roger behind his back. You have been the leader of the conspiracy. Instead of you acknowledging to him his perpetration the very first time, you set him up to do it again and again. This is covert sabotage. You have conveniently forgotten that it was you who unconsciously intended for things to get this bad. You see, it's really all about you.

It would work for you to make an appointment with your CEO and get clear exactly how to handle a person who is breaking a rule. Then ask the CEO to communicate the reporting process to everyone.* There are clearing processes that CEOs and managers can use to restore and maintain the experience of integrity with in an org. Before you make your appointment I recommend that you first do The [free] Clearing Process for Professionals.

I have found, from facilitating weekend-long communication-skills workshops, and 4-month support groups, over a period of 44+ years, that it takes me three-hours to communicate ten agreements to 1 - 10 participants, and, between 5 and 10 hours to communicate the same agreements to up to 100 participants, so that they are gotten, owned, and honored.

What you're dealing with is your own fear. Use the incident to get counseling/coaching. Ask the facilitator to help you locate and complete the very first similar incident in your life. You are still handling similar incidents based upon an unconscious decision you made on how you handled that first one. There's a perpetration you have not acknowledged. Until you acknowledge it (first to yourself and then most likely to your parents or a teacher) you will keep creating breakdowns in communication and "Rogers" in your life to remind you to do so.

Tip: The incident you're looking for will include you damaging another's reputation, possibly getting them in trouble because of your machinations. You will get value from reading about The Community Support Group. It's about how we, you and I, back in grade school, unconsciously intended those now in jail, to be there, and how we still are intending for 42% of them to fail upon parole. Another memory trigger (to help you recall unacknowledged perpetrations) is Reunion Conversations.

BTW: The company rule, "that employees are to report anyone conducting outside business on company time," will keep creating these messes. It doesn't support responsibility. I.e. "What am I doing/not doing, that caused this problem?" Instead you support "behind the back tattle-tailing." Written supportively the agreement would read, ". . . I agree to confront the perpetrator and ask him/her to acknowledge the perpetration to their immediate supervisor, and then acknowledge, to me, that they have done so." Such a policy can only be issued when there is also an agreement to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously (zero significant withholds), through to mutual satisfaction, and that no punishments will be issued. Thank you for your letter. Millions have the same problem.

Because Roger doesn't seem to be concerned about his obvious activities it would work to find out if Roger might have some profit-commission-sharing deal with the CEO—in exchange for office space. Perhaps trying to sell the CEO's property? —Gabby

* Given your fear I recommend that you begin by making a hard copy of this post and slipping it to your CEO (it might require creativity for you to have certainty that they got and read it). There's absolutely no way you can make a difference unless he/she is willing to acknowledge the effects of their leadership-communication skills, such as they have had and are having on his/her staff and employees. The results will either be transformational or, more of the same (actually things will go downhill if your CEO ignores the condition and doesn't engage the services of a communication-skills coach). It will not work to fire Roger or his manager; the level of integrity they operate from is consistent with everyone's integrity. A "manager" would not work for such a company; the CEO has not performed to the satisfaction of another "manager."

To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).

Last edited 7/23/22)