Dad gets shunned by daughter / Have I trained my daughter to abuse me and her son?
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, a single parent, has a 27-year-old son who
assaulted her several times.
He has never worked and has been in trouble with the law because of
drugs.
Recently, she called me to ask if she and her son- could spend the night
with me. (They live 160 miles away.) I told her because of his past
behavior it wasn't a good idea.
She was very offended and said I would "never see her son again."
After sending me several hurtful emails, she's no longer speaking to me,
despite the fact I have always taken care of her and listened to her
problems-about her son.
I deserve an apology - which I won't receive. But I feel bad about the
situation.
How do I fix it without apologizing myself? —DAD WITH A DILEMMA IN' FLORIDA
Abby's Reply:
DEAR DAD: Because you know an apology from your daughter won't be forthcoming, don't expect one.
Considering the fact your grandson has a tendency to be violent, I don't
blame you for not wanting him in your home.
So, stand pat. Your daughter will start talking to you again as soon as
she needs something from you.
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Dilemma: Let’s begin with, “. . . has a 27-year-old son who assaulted
her several times.” Notice that you have unconsciously taken her side,
that he assaults her.
Your sentence reveals that you have a misunderstanding about responsibility.
You have taught your daughter to cause friction and to blame. A
responsible sentence would read something like: “My daughter, using the
leadership-communication skills I taught her, has abused her son to the
degree that now they both resort to physical violence. I have
failed to teach her how to inspire harmony.”
In such abuse there are no bullies or victims, only consenting sparring partners. If we were in coaching-communication with her she would be able to recall the exact interaction—the very first specific abusive verbal/non-verbal communication, between you and her, that was not acknowledged as being abusive, and, was not resolved though to mutual satisfaction—that incident, that incomplete, became cause for all that has followed.
This gives rise to these questions:
1) What must she be trying to communicate to you? Children, when there’s a breakdown in communication between parents, will do whatever it takes to restore the experience of love that once was; to include, misbehaving, failing, getting sick, and eventually destroying their life. Many, as an adult, will attract and marry someone they know will upset the parents (so as to cause them grief) [I can’t be happy or succeed else they’ll think they did a good job].2) Who taught her that she deserved to be abused? And no, it ain't you and your spouse, it's just you.
3) Is she so unconscious (so damaged) that she can’t tell when someone is abusing her?
4) Have you verbally acknowledged each and every time you verbally abused her?
It's great that you have caused her to stop talking with you; you have been empowering her abuse of her son. She can't heal until you heal. She keeps waiting for you to teach her how to be happy.
I suggest that you estrange yourself responsibly from both. This includes offering to pay 50% of her (not couple's) therapy when/if she wishes.
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Last edited 9/24/21