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Daughter-alcoholic mom-estrangement-guilt
Gabby's Reply: Hi Loving: I applaud your decision to recess your mom, however, it's doubtful that your communication—asking her to contact you when she's ready to quit—will produce the result you say you want. Your use of the word, "asked" reveals that you didn't mean it; it wasn't an ultimatum that cannot, no matter the circumstances, be modified or changed. This problem calls for conversations about the subject of estrangement and its effects; these conversations must be with someone whom you respect, one who can communicate from personal experience. However, and this is important, you must get clear about everything before you issue her an ultimatum that will work.* Most agree that it's both "bad" and abusive to drink in a way that negatively affects another. As you've probably learned via Al-Anon—all addicts have integrity issues, as such they can't be trusted to tell the truth when it comes to promises about quitting; worse yet, they hang around enablers (you) who unconsciously set them up to fail. I suspect your mom will call and tell you she's "ready" to quit but won't have started yet. If you ask, "When . . .?" she'll either get upset and attack you (so as to detract you from getting the answer) or, she'll engage your mind with B.S. (a smoke screen) hoping to get her through another day without committing to living, to being pleasant. It looks to me as though you're opening yourself up to (unconsciously intending) more abuse and drama; you will create her dumping reasons and excuses in your space, none will feel good. In other words, it will be more of the same with you acting the role of both an AA sponsor & mother. She can't heal with you in her space. Your leadership-communication skills simply don't inspire her to opt for healthy choices; what's missing in the relationship is respect; her for you and vise versa, and, you don't have her permission, nor the skills, to coach her, to change her. I mention all this because if/when you do decide to estrange yourself you must get clear, up front, if in fact you'll mean what you say. Your mother knows you well; if you're not telling the truth (if you can't be trusted to mean what you say) she'll intuitively know. She'll let some time pass after your imitation of an ultimatum and then you will unconsciously intend for her to call you (for a truly excellent reason. I.e. house fire, broken leg, needs food money, etc.). In other words, she'll think that you won't be strong enough to follow through with your ultimatum. To issue an ultimatum you must be willing to choose to experience painful sadness time and time again until the sadness disappears (which it will). You must be prepared to decline phone calls, to not listen to phone messages, to not open letters, and, to return all gifts—for life—if that's what it takes. The mind, to be right, will destroy the body and take as many down with it as possible. She may never choose to heal so her greatest gift to you may be to unconsciously force you to leave the family (to start your own lineage) so as to make something of yourself. It could be said that she is teaching you to not put up with invalidating abuse. Note: It will has hard for her to stop drinking as it will be for you to stop enabling her—with your unconscious intentions.
It's
possible she simply can't choose to heal; it won't mean that
she doesn't love you, only that her love has become
conceptualized, that she's living from a memory of her last
experience of love with you.
For
addiction estrangement to work the agreement needs to be, no
communications except for emergency/in-hospital-about-to-die
visits. Why such a strict rule? Because you don't yet have
the leadership-communication skills (to engage
in an evening of mutually satisfying conversations with her)
we can't be absolutely sure if she is the cause of the
friction or if it's you. If you are equally addicted to
abusing and to
setting it up to be abused then you'll
find yourself screwing up new relationships, but at least
you won't be able to blame her. For example: Let's say you successfully estrange yourself and later become happily married and after a few years of successful communications with your new partner your mind will come to believe that you are healed and powerful and clear enough that you can successfully interact with your mom. Not so. Assuming she's still drinking, and has not attended meetings or therapy, within a few minutes of the first visit you will undo all the work you've accomplished. You'll be back as-a-child finding yourself tippy-toeing on egg shells, overwhelmed with withholds (thoughts you won't verbalize because you know they'd trigger an argument). She'll dredge up (repeat) things (incompletes) she's still dragging around. On the way home from that first visit you'll find yourself apologizing for, and trash-talking, your mom (behind her back) to your partner. Badmouthing another produces undesirable karma. Plus, dumping a problem you're unwilling to resolve, with finality, in a potential partner's space, is in fact abusive. Read: An inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner.
Read: Parole—The
1st 24-hours to find out what
contributes to recidivism (42% of parolees return to
prison). In other words, unless you too attend counseling or
support group meetings, etc., she will remain the same. That
is to say, you are already equally as
damaged. P.P.S. You might have to estrange yourself from all your relatives, if, as it sounds, they will abusively make you wrong by dumping guilt in your space, etc. Remember, they are all enablers; without their behavior-reinforcing-support your mother might just choose to heal. Most homeless "bag" ladies have irresponsibly estranged themselves, or have been estranged, from their families. More accurately, if she sets it up to be estranged. * A supportive estrangement-communication goes something like this; "Call me when you've not had a drink for six-months in a row." (more about estrangement)
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