Gabby's Reply:

Hi Daddy Who Cares: Your letter is a covert make-wrong of your wife, as though she is wrong for wanting to tell the truth to your child. You've turned an entire country of readers against her. That's not only very powerful of you, it supports deception, therefore it's abusive.

Your position serves as a model for your daughter on how to turn others against others and how to blame another for her creations. What she needs is for someone to model what to do when she finds herself surrounded by abuse addicts such as you and your wife. It's a shame that either of you have custody. She needs to hear from you both, separately, how each of you masterminded the divorce, else, she'll have a warped view of responsibility, of who causes what in a relationship.

Your daughter needs to hear from you what you did to mastermind the abortion considerations and the divorce.

Your use of the word "we" reveals that you have not accepted responsibility for intending the outcome. A responsible statement would be, "After discussing all considerations I agreed with her to have you. I had an experience that it was definitely a mutually agreed upon decision."

I assure you your daughter can handle the truth as well as you can. Children need to hear all significant conversations their parents have had, including all accomplishments and perpetrations (especially the drug and sex history or both). We already know that if neither of you share your considerations with your child her/she will remain confused and incomplete for life. If you wait to tell her she'll angrily say, "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Worse case scenario, you could find yourself asking your child, "Why didn't you tell me you had thoughts about joining ISIS?"

Most importantly, your informed daughter will have a unique education about the possibilities and responsibilities of conception and birth. Such information will support her in having a point of view about a woman's freedom to choose.

BTW: Both of you have communicated those "abortion" considerations non-verbally. She doesn't know the specifics just that there are withholds in the space, it's been a persistent experience of being out-integrity—something's missing.

I recommend that you be the one to tell her first, from love. —Gabby

P.S. Do show everyone this post, unless you want your daughter to hide significant thoughts from you.

Gabby's comments about the three replies to the "Original Daddy Who Cares."

Dear Writers and Readers: It's disheartening that so few people know that an emotional charge associated with a traumatic experiences can be erased (completed). The following reply is only for readers who intend to complete a traumatic incident. It supports a communication model of open, honest, and spontaneous communication, zero significant withholds.

In communication coaching we say that there is talking and there is communicating. With talking one's problems persist. With communication one's problems disappear. If one still has the same problem after they conversed with another then it's said that they zoned out and resorted to talking—that communication did not take place. We know this to be true because when communication takes place all concerned feel good, they are whole and complete at the end of the conversation.

Talking is unstructured—when two talk there's lots of arguing, repeating, interrupting the other mid-sentence. And, one or more withholds aren't being verbally acknowledged. Some thoughts and judgments are stuffed, they aren't being shared spontaneously. There's an implied agreement between talkers that it's OK to hide certain thoughts from each other. Such conversations are characterized by irresponsible blaming, "They never . . .," "He never . . ." "You always . . ." etc.. Most importantly, when a couple becomes stuck in talking the person who listens to the talker talk about his/her problem doesn't have an experience of having served, of being of value. That is to say, the dumper (the person who dumps a problem in another's space) has no intention to use their friend as a means of disappearing a specific problem.

For example: Complainers dump misbehaving-children problems in their friend's space, and, the complainer still has and talks about the same problem the next day.

The difference between talking and communicating is that all communications have beginnings, middles, and ends. How one measures whether or not communication took place is by looking at the end, the results. If, upon completion, all concerned experience being whole and complete then we say that communication took place.

Interactions that aren't mutually satisfying are incompletes. Put another way, if you interact with someone and it doesn't forward them in their growth, if it doesn't support consciousness, then what happened was both parties were doing their imitation of communication. It looked like communication, it sounded like communication, and both may have parted feeling good, but, each have his/her exact same problem(s) the next day.

Another characteristic of talking is that all talkers, yes all, are enablers. Their leadership-communication skills are such that they empower their friends/partners in having mediocre relationships and stagnate addictions (unhealthy, overweight, drugs, abuse).

As pertains to a "you were unwanted" interaction between a child and parent: Notice I use the word "interaction" instead of communication (more about this follows): If, say, a mother dumps "you were unwanted" in a child's space and doesn't know enough to keep clearing the child until all considerations have been gotten, as obviously happened with the three letter-writers, then those interactions, for each woman, are an incomplete. Both the mother and the child had become stuck doing their imitation of communication. Again, when communication takes place all concerned feel good upon completion.

As we read each woman's words we can get a sense of the upset they experienced (as they were told back then, "you were unwanted") and, that each are still experiencing the same spectrum of emotions to this very day. The upset and anger and grief have not diminished very much, if at all. The charge is still present. If we were in their presence listening to them today we'd see facial expressions consistent with emotional charge.

For example: If I asked you what you did on your sixth birthday you'd probably not be able to remember. That incident, that experience, is complete. There's not only no charge about the pony ride, which at the time was extremely emotionally exciting, until you fell off the pony and broke your arm. There's not only no charge, there's no memory of the fall. Now we ask, why? In part, it's because the incident has been told and retold so many times that it went from being significant to boring, to being vaguely remembered, to being complete; and, you've successfully ridden a pony since then.

The letter writers now believe that, "you were unwanted" communications are not valuable. However, others have proved that "accidental" children are trustworthy and successful marriage partners; they can be trusted to tell the truth no matter the cost or how difficult. With this in mind an ". . . unwanted . . ." story takes on an entirely different meaning. Part of what causes an upset about an incomplete (a less-than-mutually satisfying interaction) to persist is because the incident has become conceptualized. The anger and energy (referred to as a charge) associated with the interaction reveals that there is more to the incident than what is being remembered. The mind doesn't have full access to everything that was going on during and after the "you weren't wanted" interaction. In short, there is a lie (an unconscious omission) in the telling of the incident. It has yet to be experienced fully.

For example: If one starts to get upset and cry when they think about the "not wanted" conversation they have yet to choose to experience the hurt and pain associated with the incident. They have not experienced the conversation. They went unconscious at some time during the interaction, most likely judging the mother, which took them into their mind, rather than to stay with the experience.

A common thread in the letters is an addiction to blaming make-wrong. Here they are, years and years later, still making their parent wrong for a mistake, worse yet, for having the integrity to tell the truth. The story retold wreaks havoc on their children who are confused about what truths to tell and which ones to hide.

It's a given that many people are addicted to their drama, like an orphan who throughout life tells everyone their "poor me" story; they use it to manipulate outcomes and to explain and justify their behaviors and the results they produce. Some develop a mind-set (a belief that the effects of a traumatic event can never ever be undone) therefore he/she will do what it takes to make the belief to come true.

What's not being acknowledged are the millions of children who knew or intuited that there were considerations surrounding their conception, yet, they have typical normal lives with no need to drag resentments into each new day (read about Gabby's childhood).

The bottom line: The "you weren't wanted" communication is an important one. It introduces a child to the meaning of the words,  "wants," "intentions," and "considerations."

For example: "I said I didn't want you.  I said it was an accident, but here you are. Obviously I was lying because you're living proof of my intention, however unconscious I may have been at the time." Thousands of inmates offered the defense, "I just drove the car, I didn't know they were going to kill anyone, I didn't want to hurt anyone." In other words, millions of single women drag around the lie (I didn't want my child). Most all dating teens entertain, however briefly, the "possibility," and ignore it.

The bottom line—as to whether to tell the daughter about the considerations surrounding her birth is: If you want to raise her to be open and honest and truthful, then you must lead by example, otherwise you'll train her to hide her thoughts of choice from you.

For those who wish to complete their experience of not being wanted I recommend that you seek a therapist-counselor skilled at Rescripting. Such a therapist designs and verbally delivers personally customized sentences (scripts) for you; they create/recreate the conversations you wish you had heard. The hearing of these specific communications, even years later, have the exact same effect as if your mother had spoken them at the time. You will thereafter live being whole and complete. You can also write your own script and ask your mother to say the words you need to hear. You can also accomplish the same result via intention but it requires impeccable integrity —use the four free Clearing House processes.

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Last edited 12/12/21