Gabby's Reply:
Hi Confused: No. You're not wasting your time.
Each of us have our lessons to learn. You are
learning exactly what you need to learn en route
to enlightenment.
I don't have any sense that you are operating
from choice, as such you'll have to continue
doing what you have been doing until
circumstances force a decision. That is to say,
I don't think you could choose to follow any
advice. However, conversations such as
these are an essential part of the process.
I say "choice" because it appears that you are
operating from a complicated dramatic program in
which you lost your ability to choose to be
happy and satisfied a long time ago. Much
like being in the middle of a pout few have the
ability to choose to instantly be happy; their
"childhood pout program" is running them. With
you the complications are compounded by the
house.
Here are a few thoughts that may facilitate
completion of this problem:
I'm concern about the integrity of how you met
each other. You don't mention his
wife but as a fellow sister she should be
foremost in your thoughts. When a person of
integrity hears the words, "I'm in the middle of
a divorce" it's gotten as a cry for support not
an invitation to date, laugh, and have fun at
the expense of another's downfall. It requires
impeccable integrity to pull off a clean
exchange of one partner for another while still
married; the odds of two doing it without
abusing the other two are not favorable.
Most divorced individuals remain stuck in blame,
few learn how to tell the truth about their
responsibility, their cause, how they
masterminded their first divorce. These blaming
lies (repeated like mantras) contribute to the
failure (at best the mediocrity)
of subsequent relationships.
I'm also wondering about
the condition of your ex. Your philosophy about
right and wrong, the absence of compassion for
Bryce's wife, your very moral fiber, suggests
that your ex is still suffering mental and
emotional bruises inflicted by you, whether
conscious or not.
There's a great question
you can ask your Sugar Daddy, it's one that
reveals the integrity and compassion of anyone
in the process of divorce: Ask him, "Do you have
your partner's support in dating and having sex
before the divorce finalizes?" Sometimes an
abusive partner will create an upset to use as
justification for breaking their fidelity
agreement just so they can have extramarital
sex, knowing full well it hurts and upsets their
partner. Ultimately it won't work for you to be
party to him unilaterally breaking his marriage
vow. It's called sabotage. In other words, does
he have her support in having sex with you? Or,
is he abusively deceiving and thwarting her?
Re: "He even purchased a
house for my children and me to live in" and
"pulled me through the death of a beloved
sister" A responsible woman would have written.
"I conned him into buying me a house." Many
readers have drawn the conclusion that he
probably has not asked for a divorce, possibly
that he never intends to. Worse, that you are a
user, that you're running your victim-con intent
on taking as many down with you as possible. You
write as though you aren't a capable woman, as
though you haven't heard the sayings, "Don't
immediately jump into a new relationship," or, "Don't
steal another woman's spouse." Notice
that you are silently hexing the demise of her
relationship instead of intending that they heal
and stay married or divorce pleasantly.
You come across as
needy. An actualized person brings his/her
wholeness, their ability to make it
independently in the world, to financially contribute equally,
into a relationship. Bringing a trashed
financial condition into a relationship is not a
gift of love. In short, you had no business
dating anyone, let alone conning him into buying
you a house. I suspect that you're back at the
fork in the road during high school when you
lazily opted to date and con and to be taken care
of instead having a part time job (to pay for
dates) of studying so as to be financially
independent.
Your benefactor is
what's referred to as an enabler. Male enablers
intuitively look for weak-acting wimpy women
addicted to controlling and being controlled.
Whereas it looks like he's controlling you the
truth is you've used your
leadership-communication skills to manipulate
him into helping "poor" you; however unethical
it may be it's extremely cleverly powerful of
you. Such a women can be counted upon to not ask
or get answers to deal-breaking questions.
Words associated with
the "house" arrangement are: kept
woman, concubine, mistress, prostitute,
and whore. No
matter what he says or you believe, most readers
will agree that the both of you are selling and
buying sex. Mind you, there's nothing
unethical or abusive with such an arrangement
providing both (and all concerned) are equally,
unreservedly, satisfied and truthfully don't
want it any other way, in which case it's a
simple business arrangement.
Notice that the way in
which you relate the story doesn't mention your
support of his abuse of his wife. Who taught you
that such "gifts" were acceptable? How does she
feel about him spending huge sums of their
supposed divorce
settlement money on his
new girlfriend? Does she even know he bought you
a house? If, say, she doesn't know about you,
imagine what it must be like for her to live in
the presence of such an unethical person. His
kind, generous, compassionate behavior is an
act, else he'd be open and honest with her also.
We know he doesn't love
you. How do we know? With
love one is automatically driven to share the
awesome loving relationship with others. He
should have wanted to share you with his family.
"I want you to meet this wonderful person I've
found!" Instead, he hides you. Does his family
even know about you and your machinations? I
suspect they continually advise him to dump the
gold-digger.
I'm concerned about your
parent's support of your adultery, of you
intervening in another's messy relationship;
you've enrolled them as co-conspirators. To many
your letter might come across as a cry for help
but I don't get that you're ready to do what's
necessary to effect an experience of integrity
for all concerned.
I can't imagine the
"house" being a source of healthy vibrations.
Could you simply refuse to see him until he
introduces you to his wife and his family and keep
the house? I think not (I suspect he cleverly
has the title in his name) nor would it be
ethical or wise for you to keep the house even
at his insistence; it was begotten unethically
and therefore it simply can't work for you; even
so, you'd need his wife to tell you that she too
considers it a gift—from her—given that it's 50%
her's unless legally proven otherwise.
Think of what you've
already taught your children about integrity
(being whole and complete), manipulation, using,
and putting up with? A child needs certainty
else his/her moral compass veers left and right.
Set aside a budget for their therapy later in
life when they wonder why they can't choose to
leave a relationship that's not satisfying. That
is to say, you've imprinted your addiction to
using and being incomplete on them.
Lastly, you need to make
a conscious decision. You either want a
relationship with open, honest, and spontaneous
communication (no withholds),
or, you want what most everyone else has, a
relationship in which the agreement is, each can
hide their thoughts of choice from the other,
resulting in mediocrity, and little or no joy,
seldom any ecstasy.
Do show this to your
children, your family, and him; it will
facilitate completion.
Thanks for writing. Many will get value from
reading it. —Gabby
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Last
edited 12/7/21
