Woman wants to pay for dinner / Results reveal intention different than wants

Dear Abby: I'm in my early 20s and have a friend, "Logan," who is in his early 30s. We go out to dinner every so often to catch up. When the server asks how the check should be split, Logan quickly says to put it all on one check - and before I know it, he has already paid for both of our meals.

I have told him before that I'd like to pay for some of our meals or, at least, be allowed to pay for my own—but his response is always that I'm young and in college and he is working.

I appreciate the gesture and his concern, but I feel a little insulted that someone would think I'm unable to take care of myself. It also makes me feel a little guilty when he always grabs the check. Is there something I can do to assuage my conscience without insulting my friend?  —YOUNG, BUT NOT PENNILESS, CIRCLEVILLE, OHIO

Abby's Reply:

DEAR NOT PENNILESS: Before you go out with Logan again, explain that while you appreciate his generosity, you would prefer that he allow you to pick up the check for two reasons: one, because you are financially able to do so, and two, because the situation is making you uncomfortable.

Alternatively when you and Logan are seated, rather than waiting for the server to ask how the check should be divided, instruct the server that the check is to be given to you. —Abby

Gabby's Reply:

Hi Young But . . .: Many readers are wincing at your feigned ignorance, your "innocent" con, and for being stuck as a victim.

You have some understandings of the problems inherent in sexism but not enough to know better.

You letter reveals that you've yet to have one of thousands of conversations* you were supposed to have had with your parents, during which dating etiquette and protocols are communicated (when something is communicated it is gotten, it is [known,] as opposed to understood). Your mother and father and both sets of grandparents all have different perspectives and experiences that you've yet to tap into; in other words, this is a question you're supposed to have asked each of them.

What's interesting is that once you've engaged in these fundamental parent-conversations you won't be accidentally unconsciously attracting/socially relating with men addicted to helping/enabling women. Notice that he intuitively (albeit unconsciously) knows that you can't be trusted to say what's on your mind. Respect is missing. You wear your fear on your face, to men it's an aura thing. An actualized woman would tell him, verbally (not non-verbally as you do) "I feel a little insulted." We know something's amiss because you don't feel good with his generosity; I wonder if he would repeatedly pay for a young man's meal.

BTW: "I feel a little insulted" is a make-wrong. It would be easier for him to get if you shared, "I'm uncomfortable," an experience, as opposed to an arguable concept that probably would evoke denial. I.e.  "I didn't mean to insult you." Or, "If I insulted you I'm sorry." The word if is a covert denial, a sneaky make-wrong.

Re: ". . . someone would think I'm unable to take care of myself." No. They would think that you're unwilling to take care of yourself, to pay your own way; more likely they'd probably think you are, at best, a con. Most agree that a woman who could comfortably provide for herself wouldn't let him manipulate her. One's first experience of successfully insisting is transformational, one is never the same thereafter; it communicates a ground of being that supports equality.

You've also revealed a misunderstanding about wants vs. intentions and responsibility; you've told your story from victim instead of from cause. I.e. "It just "happens," as opposed to, "Using my leadership-communication skills I set him up to pay." An actualized women knows what's right and fair, as such she automatically causes a balance of energy exchanges. She knows from childhood experiences of having run all the cons during teen-dating (of not feeling wholesome/complete afterwards) and now operates from choice.

You're lucky to be catching this behavior now, many ex wives now regret their teenage cons, of setting it up for each new date to pay (possibly never having paid for any date). The anger it creates in some men (compounded with each instance) is awesome; during the divorce settlement process a man doesn't know why he is driven to unfairly punish, to exact payment. Neither can he see that his integrity has set it up for him to be punished (in his mind, unfairly) for using women. Part of it comes from unconsciously setting it up to be used throughout his teens. An actualized boy, one who has a complete relationship with his parents, intuitively knows to date girls who get good grades, are involved in several school activities, and perhaps even have a part-time job, as such, they always include the words "Dutch Treat" in their invitations; girls are held to be equally capable. Boys who are not self assured are usually attracted to girls from a different (seemingly lower) economic/social group because they simply don't know how to disappear the comfortableness when interacting with an actualized girl, a social peer, one who can pay her way.  In truth they fear that no actualized girl would go out with him because he's too controlling and invariably dragging around too much anger. As a matter of control—paying for the first, and subsequent dates creates possible debt (favors owed.)

You're running some unconscious lies that are not becoming; ". . . and before I know it, . . . "  Can you now sense some readers grimacing? And, "I appreciate the gesture." I don't get this. I don't see it as a gesture unless you sense it does in fact represent something else (a debt being repaid, or a down payment, an investment, for something in the future, of greater value). Even if it's a gift, a deserved gift calls for a sincere appreciative acknowledgment, a "Thank you!" I don't get that you've paid an equal amount of money on boys and men throughout your life for you to fully comprehend the worth of his gift.  In fact, many reading this suspect that there's more behind his generosity (perhaps you're both unconsciously running a "long con" on each other). Your task is to remove all doubt from everyone's mind. Like a father would do, if he were truly interested in your happiness, he'd be supporting you in attracting a peer. Those "lunches" take you out of the intimate peer relationship game.  Conversely, have you supported him in lunching with peers?

BTW: It is possible to receive "gifts" from someone who's well off financially, but an exchange of equal/similar value must be arranged and insisted upon by the recipient and verbally agreed upon. If the giver won't let you even take them on a picnic then you're hanging around an enabler; in this case, it would be the giver (your friend) who possibly can't get a date with a social peer and so he opts for someone he can impress and control. He might simply be assuaging his ego or getting peer-points for being seen with an attractive woman.

Re: "I have told him." Can you imagine a rape victim touting, "I told him. . ." What you've been taught by parents and teachers is how to talk. Now's the time to start studying communication. When something is communicated it's gotten. There's no misunderstanding. There's no doubt that No means No. Telling him and not intending it is a con. Wanting something is different than intending it.

Partners who are in communication with each other acknowledge, through-to-mutual-satisfaction, any communication they experience as unconscious condescension or invalidation. His, "you are young . . . " retort is both condescending and an invalidation of your experience. Not meaning what you say is a lie. Even unconscious lies have consequences. Not recognizing his abuse and nipping it in the bud is your far greater problem. All spouse abuse begins with such early unconscious biases.

Your question, "Is there something I can do to assuage my conscience, . . . ?" is quite revealing. No matter what your mind might now think you meant, it communicates that you'd like to find a way to continue to have him pay your way, and, for you to feel good about it.

My reply is in support of you committing yourself to communication mastery, of identifying the childhood incidents (referred to as incompletes), that set in the fear. There is a way of communicating (a communication model) that supports transformation, so that you are healthfully and appropriately assertive and attract respectful mature men.

To feel good, to restore your experience of integrity, it would work for you to share this reply with him and acknowledge your unconscious con, and, arrange for repayment of some kind (so that your unconscious ignorance isn't rewarded). My sense tells me he will have no choice but to argue, defend, and justify his behaviors. A conscious man would reply, "Thank you for sharing all that. I get it.  It's a perfect wake-up call for me."

Readers who recognize themselves can determine the approximate debt (over their lifetime) and pledge gifts or volunteer-time to a charity so as to create an experience of integrity, so as to preclude the consequences of using.

Great letter. Many will see themselves. —Aloha, Gabby

P.S. Please do not misconstrue my reply to imply that he is not a nice and generous person and a friend worth having. It's simply that you're both stuck in teen dating behaviors.

* It's possible to have these conversations with a communication coach. The coach will support you in completing your relationship with your parents (this means either verbally cleaning up the incompletes with each or estranging yourself from them until they get therapy).

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Last edited 12/7/21