Silence serves only the molester /
Trying to heal a clan won't work
Dear Annie: I am 22, engaged, working on a
master's degree in child psychology and in a
very uncomfortable situation.
Two years ago, my fiancé's sister revealed to
her family that "Grandpa Joe" had molested her
as a child. After she told her parents, her
mother shared that she, too, had been molested
by the same man (her father).
After a lot of crying and discussing, their
family decided it was best to do nothing in
order to avoid social embarrassment. I
disagreed, but felt it was not my place to say
anything.
Both women have gone to counseling and are doing
well. But they also decided not to share this
information with my fiancé's uncle, who is
married and has two daughters. They worry that
his wife would react violently and could harm
Grandpa Joe if she found out.
All of my education, training and intuition tell
me these girls may have already been abused.
However, if I say anything, I would be
undermining the family decision. Even if these
girls haven't been abused, the parents should be
told not to leave them alone with Grandpa.
The family wants to ignore it. How can I do
what's right without causing a rift? —Not Family
Yet
Annie's Reply:
DEAR EMBARRASSED: The next time you are invited to
join them, tell the woman you have "other plans.''
(It's true. You "plan" not to be embarrassed again.)
If, after repeated refusals, the woman asks if there
is "something wrong,'' tell her exactly what you
have told me. Her behavior is boorish and a bid for
attention. —Annie
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Not Family: "Two years ago??" and, "...working on a master's
degree in child psychology..." I'm shuddering at the
thought of you counseling others about this very
same problem. No matter what your mind tells you
this is not about Grandpa or anyone other than you.
It's your integrity at work.
What if, in a few months or years from now, one of
the girls reveals to you that "coincidentally" on
the day you were wrestling with what's right,
writing letters and sounding truly concerned, that
on that very same evening, was when Grandpa began
his first physical violation of her? You won't be
able to say, "I'm sorry, I had no idea!"
I question whether psychology is your chosen
profession. What in the heck are you doing still
dating a man who would
submit you to such a dysfunctional family? Do
you honestly think you can heal him and the entire
clan? Even after writing, "All of my education,
training and intuition tell me . . ." you still
weren't/aren't automatically driven to handle the
problem immediately regardless of the consequences.
You're more concerned about rifts and what others
think than the abuse of the girls. I assure you the
non-verbal emanations, the persistent leerings, from
Grandpa Joe are extremely unhealthy.
Re: "How can I do what's right without causing a
rift?" You can't. When I see someone about to be
bit by a rattler my natural (responsible) reaction
is to immediately cause a rift; later I can acknowledge the abusive yell or yank
on their arm.
The fact that your fiancé supports and enables the
deceit (hiding it from relatives) is a predictor of
the kinds of problems you'll be dealing with if you
marry into that clan. Keep in mind that the
prevailing leadership-communication model used
within that family causes, rewards, and empowers
child abuse. Each one of them, a leader in
his/her own right, require hours upon hours of
therapy,
equal to the amount it will take to heal Grandpa.
As you know from your studies, no discipline has (as
of (9/21) had significant replicable success
healing pedophiles and sex offenders.
For your fiancé to dump this in your space is not
a gift of love.
It's unethical. He has no business dating until he
resolves this problem. For you to be considering
dumping this mess on your parents speaks volumes
about your relationship with
them. There are two things he needs
to address to resolve this:
First he need to at least try to effect open and
honest communication throughout the whole family,
zero significant thoughts withheld.
And then, when he fails (which he will because his
present leadership-communication skills do not
inspire integrity) to effect an agreement with
everyone to attend therapy, he needs to estrange himself
from the family.
To estrange himself he needs to give each the
following ultimatum:
"All of you must complete xn hours of
counseling/therapy before I'll interact with any
of you ever again." (Read
estrangement)
How did your fiancé know, with considerable
certainty, that you wouldn't take immediate action
and do whatever it took to resolve the problem? The
answer is that he does not respect you. There's
something about your leadership-communication skills
that communicates (mostly likely non-verbally) that
your integrity is out. He simply wouldn't dump such
a problem in the space of someone he admired and
respected. He would know that it would assault your
very sensibilities, that it would in fact be abusive
to you. You fear what will happen to the family, and
your relationship with him, if you handle the
situation responsibly; that alone should tell you
that you needed to have created and discovered
what's so now in support of you
completing your addiction to enabling.
People who need therapy attract/choose partners who
need therapy so as to be better-than and to hide
what they themselves need to work on. People who are
whole and complete automatically attract partners
who are whole and complete. Clearly you have one
or more
incompletes
(deceits) between you and your parents; there are no
accidents. For you to dump this problem in your
parent's space communicates volumes about your
relationship with them.
This problem becomes truly serious for you if, after
reading this reply, you continue interacting with
any of them. You simply don't have the
leadership-communication skills to effect a
transformation within that family. It's something
you were supposed to have learned much earlier.
Notice that the way you communicate (relate) doesn't
naturally inspire healing.
If you, or any reader, would like step-by-step
coaching about how to handle this please register
for our Message
Board (free).
Once you have registered press the New Topic
button; keep in mind you must be willing to complete
your relationship with your fiancé and his family.
—With aloha, Gabby
P.S. I trust you've told your parents
what you're
considering bringing into their life; by doing so
you dump responsibility for the condition on
them—could you be unconsciously testing them?
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Last edited
9/21/21
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