Abuse survivor afraid to be honest / Time to
begin therapy
DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old man who has never
been in a serious relationship until now. I have
been seeing "Stephie" for eight months and
think
I may be in love with her.
I have successfully managed to evade Stephie's
questions about my past and got away with it
until recently. She keeps asking me about the
scars on my body. I was physically abused by my
parents when I was a child. Regrettably, I lied
to her about the nature of the scars.
Stephie wants to be married and start a family,
and so do I. She wants her kids to have a great
dad, and I think I can be a very good parent. I
would never do to my kids what was done to me.
On the one hand, I want an open, honest
relationship with her. On the other, I'm afraid
if I tell her the truth she will leave me, and
I'll spiral into another five-year depression I
may not be able to escape from.
My
parents are both dead now so I could continue to
lie without Stephie ever knowing. But I get the
feeling she doesn't entirely believe what I've
been telling her. What should I do? —SURVIVOR IN
OHIO
Abby's Reply:
DEAR SURVIVOR: Because you are discussing a future
together, it's time to level with Stephie about
everything. That you would not want to discuss this
painful subject at the beginning of a relationship
is understandable. But please do not continue the
deception.
You should also explain to Stephie about your period
of clinical depression. If she's going to marry you,
she has the right to know your medical history.
Yes, telling her may be risky. However, if she loves
you she will accept you just the way you are. And if
she isn't up to the challenge, it's better to find
out now before becoming any more involved.
P.S. If you feel that a breakup could trigger
another round of depression, it is important that
you talk to a psychotherapist NOW. The abuse you
suffered in childhood may have left emotional scars
as lasting as the physical ones, but with therapy
you may be able to heal. —Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Survivor: It's great that you feel ready for an
intimate relationship, even more so that you reached
out for support.
To be blunt,
you're not ready for an intimate relationship. You
have postponed your therapy. Included in therapy and
coaching will be conversations about integrity and
telling the truth, communications you didn't
experience having with your parents (at least not
through to mutual satisfaction).
Your
question, "Should I tell them the truth" reveals
that you are missing some of the fundamental
experiences required for a successful personal
relationship. You most certainly have run across
others (if only in movies) who have posed this
quandary, "to be honest or not?" so it's not that
you don't understand concepts such as deceit.
"Understanding" something is as far from knowing as is
not knowing. One of several problems is that you
don't automatically tell the truth. You are run by
fear. You have created what's referred to as a breakdown
in communication.
One answer to
your question is: What would you expect your
daughter's suitor to do? You say you think you'll be
a "very good parent." What I do know is that you'll
do an excellent job of teaching your child to lie
and deceive. Another answer is: An
inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner.
Another
problem is that deception (lying, presenting
yourself as mentally healthy) hasn't bothered you
enough yet for you to have come clean with her. It's
not that a person who operates from integrity
doesn't lie, it's that when they do it bothers them
so much that they are automatically driven to come
clean about it. Your integrity
is so out that you were able to continue interacting
with her about other topics without being aware that
the experience of communication with her is
virtually impossible. The boldfaced lie (and
omission) should have caused you a sleepless night.
In a relationship in which one partner withholds a
thought from the other, they both end up doing their imitation
of communication with each
other. Neither knows who the other really is, both
are having a relationship with their partner's
"honest act."
Now here's
the surprise. Stephie
herself needs an equal amount of coaching and
counseling. She is both unconscious and
out-integrity. A conscious person could tell in a
nano-second that you are dragging around something
(it's an experience that's written on your face,
it's an aura thing). I suspect she did sense
something but she continued into another
conversation with you without clearing up the
confusion. In other words, she's not committed to
being complete; for her, confusion and uncertainty
are OK. Confusion and, doubt serve as barriers to
being here now.
Notice also
that she didn't catch you on your verbal lie.
It reveals that she too is out-integrity; she's
hiding one or more significant thoughts from you,
thoughts she believes may be a deal-breaker for you
with her. Withholders automatically
attract withholders. They intuitively know they can
con the other so that they don't have to reveal
everything, they know they have found a like-mind,
someone who doesn't communicate too openly, too
honestly, and too spontaneously, one who allows a
few thoughts to be withheld.
A person who
is whole and complete (in-integrity) simply doesn't
attract/date those that need therapy. Their
integrity is such that they can immediately tell
that the person is withholding something. When
playing poker a "tell" is an unconscious
communication; in a personal relationship a tell is
a communication (usually non-verbal) that indicates
there is a withhold, an incomplete, in the space,
something that's serving as a barrier to the
experience of spontaneous communication. A person of integrity
can hear (experience) a lie and is driven to get to
the truth. Lying around them is unthinkable; it's
virtually impossible to drag a lie around them for any
length of time. Such a person creates an experience
of love and respect. It's a privilege to hang around
them; it would be suicidal, and an affront to them,
to lie. Someone who is used to lying (to hiding
certain thoughts), to not being committed to
communicating openly and honestly, can't always hear
another's lie.
Re: ". . .
and I'll spiral into another five-year depression."
You'll be ready for a personal relationship when you
know that you are healed, specifically, that you're
not dragging around yesterday's incompletes to
explain today's results. It's possible to identify
the specific interaction (date, time, location,
person(s) involved), that began the depression. That
incident is called an incomplete. Once you've
completed it, (communicated the incident
responsibly) similar interactions won't trigger
depression.
Re: ". . .
and think I may be in love with her." Whatever it is,
it's not love.
With love there is no doubt
whatsoever. When it's being experienced it is an
experience different than moments before or after.
P.S. It works
to begin from love, rather than working towards it.
Practice creating the experience of love with
everyone in preparation for your #10. *
Re: "I would
never do to my kids what was done to me." This
self-righteous position makes you ripe for behaving
just like your parents. Children who resist being
like one or both parents spend so much energy trying
to not be like them that they don't know who they are
except not like them. Most often one gets/becomes
what they resist. Who you are is everyone. If you
recall, there was deception and lying in your
parent's relationship; in other words, you have
become them.
While it's
possible to accelerate the healing process
experience tells me that it will take years longer
if you do it from within a relationship. As
mentioned above, anyone who would marry you reveals
that they need as much therapy. Most people honestly
believe that what they call love will heal their
partner. Instead of supporting someone in getting
therapy they try to do what it takes trained mental
health professionals years to accomplish. This is
not only not love, it's selfish arrogance.
Bottom line:
It is unethical of you to be in a relationship until
you've mastered telling the truth. To experience
having a relationship one must be totally willing to
not have it.
With aloha,
Gabby
* Couples
who have a loving relationship do not experience the
experience of love 24/7. For example: When a loving
couple are discussing taxes both are preoccupied
with the task. They are then alternately
experiencing confusion and clarity. If one goes
off-purpose, say their mind wanders from the task at
hand to thoughts of love, it's most likely both will
have an experience of love, unless—the following is
important because it's not commonly known—unless,
there is a thought being withheld between the two.
In such a relationship the agreement is to
communicate openly and honestly, zero significant
thoughts withheld, and when one withholds a thought
the person is out-integrity. Loving couples always
look into the other's eyes to see if there is a
withhold lurking somewhere. I.e. "I found myself
looking twice at an attractive woman in a store
today." The way to recreate the experience of love
is for both to communicate all thoughts through to
mutual satisfaction. Then the collective mind (both
minds) is empty, and all that's left is space and
the experience of love. Quite often couples who at
one time did have an experience of love lose their
ability to recreate it at will. They live from the
concept of love, that they do love each other, but
have not had an actual experience of love for a long
time. For them love has become conceptualized. In
such a relationship thoughts withheld are serving as
a barrier to the experience of love.
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Last edited
12/6/21
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