Abby's Reply:
DEAR BIG BROTHER: You should not have to be in the
position of explaining your parents' deplorable
behavior to your little sister. While you can assure
her that the fighting has absolutely nothing to do
with her—or you—the people who should be quieting
your sister's fears are your parents. Please waste
no time in telling them how upset your little sister
becomes when she hears the quarreling, and that it
makes you want to break down and cry, too. It's
something they need to hear. —Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Big Brother: It's so mature of you to reach out
like this. It's exactly what you're supposed to do.
Your sadness is appropriate, let the tears flow, and
if you can, breathe deeply while crying, it helps to
complete the trauma. I say breathe because if you
don't choose to breathe you'll find yourself holding
your breath which keeps the pain and hurt inside.
Exhaling exhales the hurt. Breathing ensures
that each cry is about a new hurt rather than crying
about the same hurt over and over as some adults do;
some are still crying about the same thing they were
crying about at your age. Breathing and talking
about it completes each experience of sadness.
Your parents are stuck in abuse,
abusing each other and their children. They both
need an equal amount of professional help
(therapy/counseling/coaching). They are unconscious,
not totally awake; else they'd be able to see the
fear and sadness on the faces of their children.
Very few parents treat each other abusively by
choice. They are programmed like a computer to goad
and react and argue, to make each other wrong; they
have in fact lost their ability to communicate
upsets responsibly (from cause) and so they blame
each other for their upsets. What's so is they are
continually dramatizing old upsets, some of which
happened when they were your age.
Sadly, school teachers are not taught how to
communicate anger and so they can't/don't teach that
skill to their students. My point being, it's not
your parent's fault, they have not been taught how
to communicate responsibly; they are mirroring their
teachers, parents and the clergy.
Your letter seems to indicate that you have not
taken sides, that you don't think one parent is more
argumentative than the other. That's great, it's
very smart of you. Sometimes one parent will look
like they are more abusive, more angry, than the
other. An unconscious observer might be fooled into
thinking that one is the poor victim and that the
other starts the arguments, but you and I know we
always start the arguments in which we "find"
ourselves, so too do each of your parents. If you
hang around someone who is angry quite frequently
then you become responsible for the arguments you
trigger simply by rewarding their behavior with your
presence; you become cause for what you say you
don't want. In other words, living a lie, saying you
want harmony but hanging around a fighter, has
undesirable consequences. Blaming another for fights
you create is irresponsible.
You ask what to do. The first thing you can do is
show them your excellent letter and these replies,
after which several things might happen. They might
feel so guilty that they'll decide to do therapy
together. While this might sound like a good thing
it rarely is because fighting parents usually,
unconsciously, select a therapist who is not clear
about responsibility; parents seldom do enough
actionable coaching to both address and complete
one's addiction to arguing and to locate the source of
their anger. Another thing you might notice is
that they'll stop arguing for a few days, or even
lowering their voices, or going outside to argue.
This will only be temporary. Most likely what will
happen is your parents will decide to
separate/divorce. And while this thought might pain
you at first, it will fix the problem but it will
create another one. Unfortunately, you'll still have
to live with one of them; usually the one who is the
better con, the one who can convince
a judge that he/she is less abusive). The
truth is they are both equally (yes
equally) abusive. Most
judges are unconscious.
BTW: Thousands of children decide
to leave home, to run away, rather than submit
themselves to more abuse; this is a drastic step
that requires lots of conversations with someone you
respect. Life on the road for a teen is
exceptionally difficult. You simply can't imagine
how many people are driven to take sexual advantage
of a young person. "Trust no one" becomes ones
mantra.
Often what happens when parents divorce is: A judge
decides who's the best con. For example: Both
parents usually will say, "Judge, the children will be better off
with me." What judges know, but can't do anything
about (unless both parents are beating their child),
is that in a child custody case letting the winner
take care of you is like letting you be raised and
trained by the best con, a person addicted to lying,
blaming, and abusing. I.e. "But judge, I'm not
as abusive as my spouse therefore the children will
be better off with me." Unless the parent who is
awarded the primary custody of the children is
required to complete a minimum of 25-hours of
counseling the divorced single parent most likely
will carry on the fighting with the spouse, even
though they don't live in the same house, or in your
case he/she will start snapping at/fighting with you
and your sister. Abuse addicts
need a periodic fix. Arguing generates
adrenaline which acts like a drug. Once the spouse
is gone there's no one left to argue with so as to
get their adrenaline fix.
Remember, the nice, meek, quiet,
innocent-looking parent (or
aunt/uncle/grandparent) is always
always as abusive as their
partner; they start their fights non-verbally so
it's hard for an observer to notice who started
it. Part of his/her con is to manipulate others
into thinking their partner is more abusive.
Quite often one will non-verbally goad their
partner into hitting them so as to get agreement
from others that they are not as abusive as the
hitter. Only
a person addicted to abusing and to being abused
attracts and marries an abusive partner. There
are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.
Many children your age, who are experiencing such
abuse at home, immerse themselves in school or
sports or other extra outside-the-house activities;
some opt for premature intimate relationships. All kids
who do drugs are driven to do so because both
parents have become stuck doing their
imitation
of communication. These children
don't have even one person (not even a teacher) with
whom they can communicate, (talk yes, communicate
no) so as to validate their sanity,
so as to get
high from the experience of communication. Many do
their homework at school or the library and play
sports or get a part-time job so as to spend as
little time at home as possible. It's possible you
could support your sister in enrolling in some
activity, dance or music classes, sports, or a youth
group. This will have two advantages: You'll both
meet other children and adults and possibly be able
to discuss the problem. The more conversations you
have about this, the more people you share this
with, the sooner you will complete your trauma—even
though you don't think of yourself as having been
traumatized. In other words,
if you describe this in detail about 1000 times with
others (yes 1000 times) it will prevent you from
behaving the same way when you grow up. You will in
fact prevent the automatic programming that comes
from such abuse.
". . . a child shall lead them." You
have the opportunity to make a tremendous
contribution to your parents and your sister.
Please let me know what happens.
With
aloha, Gabby
BTW: If you the reader have,
or know of, a similar situation you too can show
this letter to others—even leaving this letter in
someone's mail box will make a difference. Silence
condones and supports.
Use this Comment form for comments/feedback.
To ask a question please go to Dear
Gabby's Message Board (free
- registration required).
Last edited 12/6/21
