Hi No Regrets: I like your letter, in part because it addresses some issues that aren't commonly discussed.

I applaud the way you have been handling your at-arm's-length relationship with both parents. Abuse-free relationships are imperative. It appears that you are ready for the next curriculum, to graduate from talking to communicating (genuine intercourse). In other words, we've seen the results that talking produces; when communication takes place it is always mutually satisfying.

Let's begin with "... My wife thinks I have a problem because ..." She's either stupid and wrong or your statement is an abusive thwarting invalidation. You married a smart woman and set her up to give you feedback and now you question her experience?

I have a concern that you might not have told your wife about the situation (up front—when first dating).  To not have told her would be unethical, assuming here that she didn't have a clean clear choice. Not telling her could be viewed as deceit; it's definitely not a gift of love; you've ripped her off from the joys and value of in-laws. It appears your wife has since discovered the importance of marrying someone with a complete and mutually supportive relationship with both parents.

You don't mention what your wife's concerns are* —what she believes to be symptomatic of your relationship with your parents, specifically, how it's affecting your relationship with her.  Would she say that you are shut down (bound up) in a few important areas? There are virtually thousands of conversations (interactions) one needs to have with each parent and or guardian(s) (both male and female) so as to be whole and complete. One incomplete of yours is your inability to completely acknowledge another (the word completely here is redundant). For example: ". . . she gave me life, but that's where it ends." Nothing could be further from the truth. This reveals that you simply can't acknowledge your wife for her magnificence and the contributions she (her family and ancestors) make to you daily. You are arrogantly oblivious to the trials and tribulations, the contributions and sacrifices your parents and all your relatives (your ancestors) made to ensure the life you now enjoy.

Your self-righteous position about alcohol and work makes you ripe for similar addictions. It appears that you live from a decision to not be like either parent, this makes it difficult for you to know who you are. You only know who you don't want to be like.  Most significant contributions have been made by people with near incapacitating addictions. Furthermore, your positions serves as a barrier to you making a significant contribution to human kind, else, you'd have to be willing to acknowledge that however they did it (given what they had to work with) your parents raised you to be magnificent.

Had you told your wife up-front, "This is what's so . . . will that be a problem for you?" she would have had a choice. The question is, can she let go of her position and support you in yours? Better still, should she perhaps look elsewhere for a ready-made actualized supportable husband, one who has a complete relationship with his parents. Trying to change someone is not love; meaning, it won't work for you to try and stop her from supporting you or for her to not accept you. Mo betta that you look at her considerations from the point of view that the genius in you created her concerns, that who she is is love and that it hurts her to know she isn't having a supportive loving effect on all her relationships. It invalidates who she holds herself to be; in short, you're slowly destroying your relationship with her.

I'm assuming that the few conversations you have with your mother are civil and that she and you both feel "Ok" when you hang up. My concern is that there could be covert hostility and subtle, if not overt, verbal abuse. "Subtle" would be in the form of condescension and self-righteousness.  If your wife hears such abuses it should bother her because she intuits correctly that she's next. For her to silently condone such treatment will come back on her. That is to say, I'm wondering if you might not be suppressing some disrespect for your mother, knowing at some level it was she who chose to make staying with/empowering an alcoholic more important than providing a nurturing childhood for you—this is but one example of the thousands of conversations you're supposed to have with your mother.

I also suspect that you are suppressing some pain and hurt. Not to worry, your letter reveals that your mind is handling things perfectly, smartly waiting to create a safe space to complete some incompletes. The incompletes will surface through your daily interactions with your wife.  All the thoughts withheld, all the stuffed disappointments, sadness, and anger (rationalized and explained by your mind), all the resentments and non-verbal expressions of disrespect and contempt, etc. will come out in due time, through the loving support of your wife. The Clearing House supports these kinds of completions.

All spouses discover that unsatisfying conversations their partner began with his/her parents must be recreated all over again, but this time through to mutual satisfaction.

Your wife is right to be concerned. You've trained yourself to put up with abuse (I suspect you don't even think that what your parents did to you was abusive). She is going to have to be vigilant in clearing your mind of "minor" upsets and thoughts withheld, given that you don't have much experience communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously.

For certain your mother was a work-alcoholic, still, I'm concerned for you and your apparent lack of compassion. If you hold yourself to be healthy, intelligent, and successful—certainly enough to attract a discerning supportive loving wife—then no matter what your mind tells you, your parents did an excellent job. They certainly didn't do it the conventional way, however, communication is a function of intention. We know your mother's intentions were honorable and selfless because of the way you turned out. Other parents use lots of words and hugs and family outings; we need only look at the condition of most relationships (and the 50% divorce rate) to see that parenting the "right" way doesn't always produce ones stated intentions.

Re: "My wife thinks I have a problem . . ." When studying communication theory one discovers a unique communication model, one in which we create (in our mind) that we cause (intend) what another says to us. Using this model it could be said that you brilliantly chose a woman (albeit unconsciously) who supports you in cleaning up/completing your relationship with your parents. To invalidate/thwart her (the implied communication being, "You're wrong, I don't have a problem and I don't care that it bothers you") is to invalidate your own genius. Arrogance and ego are two insidious barriers to the experience of communication. After a few failures to support your health, success, prosperity, your very enlightenment, you'll have trained her to give up; it will be the beginning of the end of the experience of growth. On the other hand, if you surrender to her she'll see to it that your life is awesome.

Re: ". . . it doesn't bother me." Of course it does; at some level of consciousness it doesn't feel good to be treating your parents abusively. You have created a problem between you and your wife. In this case the problem is one left over from a less-than-satisfying interaction between you and your parents. Your non-verbal covertly abusive communications with your parents are affecting her.

The responsible way to recess or estrange someone from your life is to tell them why and to give them a curriculum for getting back in.

For example: "Mom, I don't feel comfortable communicating with you. There's no experience of love. I'm going to do 25-hours of therapy/counseling. I'll know you want to mend our relationship if you also do the same amount of counseling. This is important to me because I'm concerned about letting my children hang around you for fear you'll unconsciously impart your philosophy, the way you communicated and related with dad and me as a child, on them. I'm told that one conversation is all it takes to imprint a grandchild."

Gabby

*  . . . it could simply be a natural knowingness about the importance of having a complete relationship with both sets of parents. In any case, neither she nor her parents made it a point to meet and "approve" of your parents; this reveals that her communications about "close relationships" with parents and in-laws, are simply good ideas she's read about/heard. It reveals that she and her parents need equally as much therapy/coaching as do you and your parents. No conscious parent would silently support her daughter in marrying someone with such a dysfunctional family. No conscious well-adjusted daughter (with a loving supportive family) would submit her parents to in-laws such as yours; hers is definitely not a gift of love to her parents, it's not a respectful appreciative acknowledgment. Often the child of an alcoholic parent grows up with the decision to not be like the parent and so they never taste alcohol. Such a child operates from a decision. They become programmed do-gooders. Operating from a decision to not be like someone keeps one from discovering who they are. For life they act sober and self-righteously make alcoholics wrong. It's unethical to make another wrong (a self-righteous position gets communicated non-verbally) it has undesirable consequences, it doesn't feel good to the recipient; specifically it serves as a barrier to the experience of ever loving an addict.

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Last edited 12/17/21

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