Hi Boredetts: Great letter. It speaks for many teens in many families. Thanks for writing.

Firstly: There's nothing wrong with you or your sister. It's simply time for you to teach your parents and grandparents how to communicate, specifically, with teens. They are clueless.  None have ever taken a relationship-communication skills course. They honestly believe that they don't need it and that they already know how to communicate, which is true, except that the way they communicate (their communication model) doesn't work for you two, it's not mutually satisfying. This condition simply couldn't exist if even one of the four had attended a relationship-communication skills workshop (college Speech-Communication courses don't count). Your grandparents did not teach your mother or father to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, so they couldn't teach you.

For example: None of them, when they are in your presence, know to acknowledge the obvious boredom on your faces (like an elephant in the room). This is called being unconscious. A conscious adult can see when you are incomplete (whatever look you have on your face when you are upset, or bored, or when you're hiding a lie/deceit (a withhold), when you're not in communication with someone, when you are not radiant, happy and joking). The non-verbal dramatized communication emanating from you (like a penetrating thick fog) is so obvious that it begs to be addressed before continuing any conversation. They would then stop their conversation and ask, "What's up?" or, "What's going on?" In a family that communicates openly, this would be your invitation to tell your truth. "I'm bored."*

They are all stuck in ignorance. They are totally and completely unaware that both of you have been bored and that you have been deceitful, that you are not communicating openly and honestly with them. They all (yes all) hide thoughts from each other and so they have lost their ability to see when you are hiding thoughts. It's called being out-integrity. A lifetime of withholding thoughts detracts from ones aliveness, and as your grandparents are experiencing, ones very "health" (read Conversations in Support of Health). 

Your mother made you wrong for telling the truth. This was abusive of her. Worse yet, she closed the topic for life (". . . better not hear that kind of talk again") so now you both have to stuff certain thoughts. Making others wrong and shutting-down communication is an abusive behavior you will definitely inherit from her so look for it with your children, and remember what it felt like. An awake mother would have said afterwards, perhaps later that day—

"I get that I made you wrong. I know it didn't feel good; it was abusive. I get that I haven't included you in the conversations with your grandparents. I get that I have not been a safe space for you to tell me the truth. I get that your relationship with them has been boring for you. Keep letting me know your thoughts about this. Would you be willing to call each of them now, separately, and let them know what you've been thinking and that you would prefer to have Saturdays be obligation free? Thank you for being honest with me."

BTW: No matter how honest and reliable and dependable you may believe yourself to be the truth is you can't yet be trusted to tell the truth. You've been trained to hide certain thoughts from adults—for reasons—therefore you can't be trusted to be home alone without committing perpetrations and later verbally acknowledging them to your parents. Proof? —even now you can think of several deceptions going on between you and them, and, you support (enable) your sister in hiding certain things from them.** You still require adult supervision so as to get you through your teens as safe as possible, with your integrity relatively intact—without police intervention, without conning a clueless boy into impregnating you so as to ... .  Your present leadership-communication skills will train your children to be as deceitful as you and your sister presently are with your parents.

Secondly: Your grandparents are not in-communication with you, or with each other. They are unconscious. They've become stuck doing their imitation of communication. This is not your fault. They never studied how to get into communication with teenage girls, yes, its a curriculum that requires they ask others how to optimize your growth. In their arrogance they thought these skills would come naturally. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whereas parents read books about raising children there are very few books or web sites for grandparents about how to support grandchildren (read Grand parenting—a communication-skills primer).

You both are of a different generation, that, and you are still somewhat awake; you both can see things that adults can no longer easily see. The hypocrisies you see amongst adults drive you bonkers—they actually generate confusion and disrespect; some might say it's what drives teens to drugs and sneaky (behind-the-backs-of-their-parents) sex. This confusion serves as a barrier to communication, especially with composition and comprehension in school.  That is to say, withholds in your personal relationships affect your ability to completely be with a teacher's communications.

Your parents and grandparents are unconscious; it's not you. There's nothing wrong with you. All (yes all) the thoughts you have you're supposed to have (even the "sick" or "weird" ones). The way your grandparents talked with each other when they were young is totally different than how you and your sister talk with each other and with enlightened adults (if you're fortunate enough to know any).

So, what's this really about? It's about you learning how to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero significant withholds. Not you and your sister, just you. You're supposed to use grandparents to learn how to communicate openly and spontaneously. You practice spontaneity and truth-telling with them. Most every new topic you bring up with them will trigger thoughts, considerations, arguments, reasons, justifications that have caused the world to work as it is. None of their wisdom (thoughts they believe to be true) have worked to eliminate hunger and homeless problems in their own neighborhood. Given that you're the one writing, your sister may or may not take advantage of this opportunity. If she chooses to continue withholding thoughts from people (beginning with family) then she will become like your grandparents and drive her grandchildren out of her life.
 
All young people come to this fork in the road. Most continue to operate from the decision to hide thoughts/things from adults; they reap the consequences of this deceit for life. They develop an "honest act" around adults but in truth hide all sorts of things from them, as though adults aren't capable of hearing the truth. Fear takes over. Eventually a teen becomes addicted to withholding.  They try to have an open, honest relationship with their life-partner but they start out by hiding one or two thoughts right at the very beginning (on the very first date) which dooms the relationship to mediocrity and boredom; over 50% end in divorce. These "adults" then teach their children to deceive them—evidenced by the fact that the majority of teens con each other into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex.

What would work is for you to recall the incident, it's a memory of a specific communication, an interaction, that was the turning point; before this incident your grandparents were great and fun, after which they weren't (it could very well be when you first met them)—that incident needs to be shared verbally with them, unless of course neither of you recall ever liking them, in which case you need to share with them your thoughts as to why you dislike them. Your sister needs to do the same, only separately, because her first incident might not be the same as yours.

You haven't discovered the wonderfulness of grandparents; most have become so much more tolerant and accepting than they were as parents—they are less likely to react or blow up over "little things." You can talk about anything with them. You can say anything to them and they can get it. Because of memory lapses they laugh at all your old jokes, they'll watch reruns with you thinking it's the first time they saw the movie. They feign shock and awe and disapproval at the trends/fads you share with them. They love to be conned into taking you to the mall or to the movies. Executives pay lots of money for consultants but you've got two that you're not tapping into for free. You simply can't be whole and complete until you're comfortable interacting with old people. What's missing in your relationship with them is acknowledgment, respect, admiration and compassion for all they did so that you're doing as well as you are.

Here's two incredibly valuable communications: "Hey gramps, you need to change your underwear." "Grandma, have you been drinking your perfume again? I could smell it from the car, you smell like a 'lady of the night.'" Seniors lose their sense of smell, they forget that 50% of the distance between themselves and others is theirs; if another's odor or sounds reach another then they are unconscious and being intrusively abusive.

Re: "The other day Mom overheard us in our room talking . . . " This is an irresponsible communication; it's covert blame. Communicated responsibly it would read, "I was so upset I manipulated my sister into complaining loud enough with me to make sure Mom 'overheard' us.

BTW: Many teens are driven to 'communicate even louder' —as in misbehave, fail, do drugs, or get sick—any communication to bring to someone's attention (sometimes the police) the breakdown in communication within the family. Remember, parents most always honestly believe they are in communication with their teen.

** Thoughts (perpetrations) you hide from parents serve as barriers to comprehension and composition (creativity) in school. Your addiction to withholding will cause you to magnetically attract dates who are also withholders; dates who will have no choice other than to follow your leadership and withhold deal-breaking thoughts from you (I.e. Herpes, prior abuse, broken condom, dating another at the same time, and the biggie, telling a date about your dysfunctional family. It's important to know that girls con boys into telling them exactly what their mind needs to hear so as to have sex—"I love you."). Withholders always always attract withholders. Proof? —ask your parents and grandparents what thoughts they withheld from each other on their very first date; look and see what it has cost them in terms of aliveness, sharpness, little or no joyous belly laughing—laughing yes, with joy, no. Notice that neither have effectively assured you of your wonderfulness, how you make life worth living.

BTW: When you tell the truth the problem disappears. Once you communicate, "I'm bored." you'd immediately be experiencing something else.

Do show this post to everyone. Your parents need to know that the way they have been communicating with you will most likely drive you into the arms of some boy who won't make you wrong for truthful spontaneity. I'm guessing that hugging your father has already become uncomfortable; if he doesn't get communication-coaching he will drive you out of his life to seek affection.  —With aloha, Gabby

P.S. Part of what their "oldness" is about, what makes them and their conversations boring, is that they have not tapped into your abilities (your inquisitiveness, your humor) to keep them young. They are dragging around a lifetime of verbally unacknowledged withholds and perpetrations. Do The Clearing Process and you'll get some sense of how much crap they are dragging around into each present-day conversation.

If you want to liven things up, ask each—

• What was the worst thing you ever did?

• What was the worst thing mom/dad ever did?

• What is your proudest accomplishment?

• Did you two have sex before you were married?

• What's the worst thing you ever stole?

• Did either of you cheat on each other?

• Was grandma your first girlfriend?

• What thoughts did you hide from your parents?

• What topics should we not talk about in front of you?

• When were you two the happiest?

• What happened to change things because you sure don't look happy now? (clue—it's a specific incident).
  

I guarantee that if you ask a couple of these questions they will be more energetic and alive afterwards than they have been for years. It will trigger new conversations between them later that evening when you've gone home.

Keep in mind, one way adults hide truths is to counter-attack with anger so as to avoid telling the truth; they'll make you wrong for asking questions. They'll call you, "smart alecky," "precocious," or "rude." Not to worry. It's far easier to fix rude than it is to fix shut-down.

If you are afraid to ask any one of these questions then you will (absolutely-positively) drag that fear into your first marriage.

It's your job to teach them how to communicate with you else they'll go their graves as unconscious unhealthy bores.

Last edited 12/11/21

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