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Hi
Mom: Congratulations! You have taught your
son an important lesson. He has chosen a
most difficult and commendable path. Most
therapists advise, "If you intend to have an
abuse-free life then remove yourself from
abusive relationships, especially your
parents." Mo betta you accept credit for
teaching him how to extract himself from
relationships that don't work. Given your
unconscious addiction to blaming his only responsible choice is to
not interact with you so as to not create
even more abuse.
Re: "I try not to
cause problems for him." Yes, you "try," yet
you do cause problems for him. When on a
date and the other says "no" and one
persists, it's called date rape. You refuse
to honor his non-verbal communication, "No
communication." You emotionally and
psychically stalk him continually making his
life even more miserable. Worse yet, you
attempt to make him feel guilty because you drove
him out of your life.
Notice that your letter doesn't mention what you did to
drive him out of your life. Instead you
write, ". . . our son and his wife of three
years have chosen not to be part of our
family." This is what's referred to as
covert blame. It's further evidenced by your
repeated use of the word "we," instead of
"I," and your blame statement, "He refuses
to talk things over." A responsible person
would have written, "I've lost my ability to
communicate with my son. I've driven him out
of my life. I even find myself blaming him
for not wanting to interact with me."
You ask, "Should I quit subbing at this
school?" You already know the answer. It
doesn't matter whether or not you were there
first; in your universe you're the one who
messed up your relationship with him. It's
now your job to identify the source of and
disappear your sadness, hurt and anger. It
must be your intention that he chooses to
not interact with you; presently you're
stuck as the "victim."
If you keep interacting with children (the
school's students) you will teach them
(non-verbally-psychically of course), as you
have your son, how to ruin a relationship
and blame it on the other. Your vibes
are not healthy for impressionable children;
without anyone knowing it you sap their very
energy. Your "pleasant" act only masks the
hurt and anger that you non-verbally drag
around daily into each and every
interaction. We've all had "teachers" from
whom we did not learn, those with personal
relationship problems, those who had become
stuck doing their
imitation of communication with
family members. Most of us had "subs"
and "teachers" from whom we did not learn,
those who dragged around messy personal
relationships into each lesson
communication. In other words you can't
model-for/teach children to have wonderful
relationships with their parents because you
have yet to learn that skill.
BTW: He's smart to keep you
away from his children because you'd only
impart your adversarial way of
communicating; you'd accidentally teach them
to create friction. One
ten-minute visit from a grandparent addicted
to abuse imprints a child for life. Think
of it as the psychic vibrations directed
towards an impressionable child made by a
visiting leering pedophile. The child
doesn't know what happened they just aren't
the same thereafter. You would, without
knowing it, be unconsciously communicating
that there is something wrong with their dad
and that they should not grow up to be like
him.
One thing you have yet to learn,
therefore you couldn't teach him, is that
there is a responsible way to recess oneself
from an abusive relationship. Dumping you
abusively, as he has, ultimately won't work
for him. He's dragging anger and blame into
interactions with everyone throughout the
day, especially the students and his own
children. Your very presence, without
opening your mouth, (the very dread of
seeing you at school) triggers him to behave
the way he does. You can of course
facilitate his transformation by healing
yourself. Once you get off of your position,
the one that causes him to resist you, then
he'll begin to see his responsibility in the
matter. Once you completely back off, to the
extent that he doesn't get his daily fix of
resentment-generated adrenaline, he'll have
no one to fight/resist. Then he'll start
dramatizing his unresolved anger with his
wife.
Now here's the cool part. You
have an opportunity to begin the advanced
communication mastery curriculum for
parents/grandparents. Seek out a
communicologist (a leadership-relationship
communication-skills coach) and ask for
coaching; if you are willing to let go of
your relationship with your son you can
begin to learn how to create space for
satisfying communications with him. You have
to begin from the point of view that
unbeknownst to you the genius in you has
created this situation for an as yet unknown
purpose. You will discover, through
coaching, how to complete your relationship
with your son, and your son will learn (via
osmosis, by example) from you.
A very good beginning is to ask yourself,
who in your life would say that you're
treating them as your son is you? As you've
noticed, it has hurt them.
If you're willing to complete the
free
Clearing Process for Professionals you'll
be eligible for a
free 3-hr-coaching/consultation. —With
aloha, Gabby
Use this Comment form for
comments/feedback.
To ask a question please go to Dear
Gabby's Message Board (free
- registration required).
Last edited 12/11/21
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