Teens misbehave, do poorly in school, do drugs and search for
love (sex) outside the family when parents lapse into their
imitation of
communication. When real/genuine communication takes place there is an
experience of mutual satisfaction and love upon completion.
Children are integrity meters. A child can tell when his/her parents
are not communicating openly and honestly with each other, when one* is
withholding a thought from the other, specifically, when there's a
breakdown in communication. A thought withheld serves as a barrier to
the experience of love; the concept of love is there but there is no
experience of it.
When the integrity of a family is out, when both parents are
withholding thoughts from each other, children experience confusion;
like a migrating bird, their very growth-compass starts to wander. When
one parent decides to withhold a thought from his/her partner the
thought floats around in the space between the parents and the child;
the thought is being communicated non-verbally. The relationships went
from being in-integrity to being out-integrity (something is missing or
something has been added to the space). The experience of love that was
is no longer, love has become conceptualized. Unresolved upsets between
parents are very scary for a child, most always they (the child) assumes
that they are causing the upset; this triggers fear and uncertainty.
Life for a child is a series of interactions, each one is
experienced as being complete when everything is back to normal (hugs,
kisses, and laughter).** When parents argue and don't go through to
completion, the interaction serves as a barrier to the experience of
integrity (of being whole and complete). There's something different
about the expressions of love thereafter. It's possible a child can
sense when a parent is first considering divorce.
Most often the cause of an out-integrity between parents is a
perpetration, a make-wrong, a condescending remark, or a non-verbally
delivered stink-eye. I.e. "Where the hell were you?" "Boy that was
stupid!" "I told you not to buy that brand." If an
abuse is not
acknowledged*** through to mutual satisfaction then the incident remains
as an
incomplete, most often for life.
The foremost barrier to communication mastery with one's spouse and
children is arrogance; a parent's belief, that he/she can achieve and
maintain health, happiness, and prosperity without
communication-skills-coaching, drives most children to misbehave and
eventually do drugs. Children search for the high and the experience of
love that once came from communications with their parents. The parents
are stuck, honestly believing they are in communication with each other
and their child.
Lastly, if parents have succumbed to
mediocrity, not on-purpose in
life, not in service to their community, if they have become couch
potatoes, then they don't generate the energy it takes to inspire their
child to excel. A family that has succumbed to mediocrity generates
thoughts of hopelessness (a child thinks—if my creators can't be happy,
how could I ever be truly happy?), instead of the high that comes from
mutually satisfying communications, drugs become a child's source of
inspiration.
* It's virtually impossible for only one partner to be
withholding a significant thought from the other. The way to tell if
your partner is deceiving you, is withholding one or more sugnificant
thoughts from you, is if you are withholding thoughts from him/her. And, if you're willing,
to look you'll recall that you began the deceit by withholding something
significant from him/her, probably on
the very first date. Withholders always attract withholders, there are
no exceptions to this phenomenon.
** In all instances in which a child is failing and doing drugs
there have been few, if any, warm fuzzy hugs
lately
between one or more of the family members.
*** "I get I was abusive earlier today. I know it didn't feel
good when I yelled at you." Notice that the acknowledgment doesn't
contain an apology or explanations and especially not, "I'm sorry." An
apology guarantees more of the same undesirable behavior. Read:
The
Clearing Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen.
BTW: I know of no college/university that offers communication mastery
courses to its education majors; the prevailing belief is that it can't
be done—for more, read about the
Communication Skills Tutorial for
Teachers.
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