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Prerequisite: Responsibility—
It's been my experience
that most children have trained their parents and teachers to back
off from getting an answer to a question about responsibility so you must be prepared to intend a truthful answer or
you will lose Kimo's respect. He won't be aware
that he doesn't respect you, it's just that he will
know he can con you. In his mind you'll be a "nice"
"easy" teacher, a
pushover.
If you ask the question and he
typically responds, "I dunno," it's possible he
expects you to give up after a few seconds of silence.
Few adults have the intention to get truthful answers and
he knows this already. It depends upon his parents, and
how they have handled him when he does this avoidance
game, as to just how long he's willing to hold out not knowing.
If you buy into his "I don't
know" stuff you'll reward his "stupid"
act. You also become responsible for the consequences
of his lie. The "I dunno" accepted is simply another
more-of-the-same conversation. The "I dunno"
challenged and taken through to mutual satisfaction
becomes a new experience, one remembered for life.
If you'd like to help him, which
ultimately doesn't work, you could suggest,
"What would Tommy say you did to get him to hit you?"
Kimo may still come up with, "I dunno." The ideal is for you to say,
"Kimo, please go sit over there. When you
can think of what you did to get Tommy to hit you, you
come and tell me OK? But before you sit down
please tell Tommy I'd like him to come talk with me."
Then you say to Tommy, quote, "What happened between you
and Kimo?"
Tommy will burst forth with his
version. If it's blame, then you ask the identical
question,
"What did you do to get Kimo to do that
to you?"
If he's stuck in
not knowing, have him
sit, away from Kimo, until he's willing to remember.
I've
seen children stay in their rooms all day and finally
come out and tell the truth when they were hungry. At
home I'd recommend different rooms. Never have I come
across a child who didn't come up with the truth. Most
always it's related to an earlier incident, referred to
as an
incomplete.
It might appear that having a child sit alone all day
in denial would prevent him/her from getting the rest of the day's
lessons, however, the truth is the child could not be with your next
communications (content) completely because their mind would be
partially occupied with the lie. The lie, the incomplete communication,
"What did you do to cause . . . ?" serves as a barrier to communication
taking place. Communication takes place in space.
Once a student gets that you
don't buy their blaming lie they'll communicate
responsibly, immediately.
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