Communication Tip:

Talking vs. Communicating

During the first two hours of a two-day Communication Workshop for Educators (presented by Werner Erhard — est, The Forum) Werner passed around a mic and asked each of us (200 participants) to share our definition of communication. With few exceptions most every "educator" had a different definition* —some declared it to be "love," or "God," or simply "everything." —all of which gives rise to George Bernard Shaw's quote, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

For our tutorials I make an easy to understand, overly simplified, distinction between the words, "communication" and "talking." I say that talking (which we do 90% of the time) causes (yes causes) others to deceive us, to withhold significant thoughts from us. Talking produces less-than desirable results; it creates the kinds of persistent problems we say we don't want. Conversely, when communication takes place, we manifest our stated intentions; problems disappear. I can tell when communication has taken place because problems are resolved and all concerned feel good upon completion. This model, this way of communicating, is referred to as the mutually satisfying communication model.**

The difference between talking and communicating is that with talking one assumes no responsibility for ensuring mutual satisfaction. When two talk about a problem the problem persists.

As you can see this distinction is easily understood; you might not agree with it but you'll never forget it, and, you'll be able to successfully convey it to another.

For example: If your child has been misbehaving then this "alleged" unintended problem persists because you have become stuck talking, doing your imitation of communication. Your child is doing his/her best to let you know that they are not in-communication with anyone, that there's something (an incomplete left over from an earlier less-than-satisfying interaction*** or there's a withhold) in the space that needs to be verbally acknowledged and completed.

* The workshop participants were mostly teachers. It should come as a shock to know that most teachers have their own home-grown definitions of the words communication, abuse, and responsibility; few, if any, can quote even one of the several dictionary definitions.

** More about communication models.

***  "Alleged" My stated intention was to have my child to do his/her homework; the result was that he/she continued watching TV. My unconscious intention was to have him/her ignore me to bring to light an incomplete. Often we produce results other than what we believe we intended; when we get something other than what we thought we intended we blame, in this case, the child. Most always a child's thwarting is a dramatization of an incomplete.  For example: Earlier the father yelled abusively at the son and the father has yet to acknowledge the abuse. I.e. "I get that my yelling at you today during breakfast didn't feel good." In this case, pouting, attitude, misbehaving/thwarting is the only way the child knows to restore the experience of love that once was. Unacknowledged abuse serves as a barrier to getting a teacher's communications.

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