- "abuse" A communication is said to be abusive when all concerned don't feel good upon completion.
"complete" An interaction, a communication, is said to be complete when all concerned feel good upon completion.
Most parents unconsciously dump three damaging admonishments (make-wrongs) into their child's mind, communications that don’t feel good, communications that affect one negatively--for life.
Three damaging childhood "Don'ts"
- "Don't lie." 1
"Don't be afraid." 2
"Don't cry." 3
Few grown-ups remember that those well-meant corrections by parents were usually experienced as a make-wrong. You were doing something and were made wrong for doing it. It didn't feel good or even supportive. In truth, the unexpected verbal abuse shocked your system. A conscious person would notice that 3 of your 43 smile muscles didn't, and never have, returned to complete rest.
It's not that parents do this; it's not their fault. Public school systems do not introduce students to the difference (in terms of results) between talking and communicating. Virtually no parent can quote the definitions of the words, abuse, responsibility, agreements, intention, or integrity. Understanding the definition of a word produces different results than does knowing a definition.
If one knows an abusive communication negatively affects a child for life then a conscious parent automatically cleans up (acknowledges) each and every abuse.
Few parents are conscious enough to hear their own lies and abuses; both have yet to acknowledge every specific abuse to their child. I.e. Mom: "Son, know I made you wrong this morning." [period, absolutely nothing else, no explanations, apologies, reasons or justifications]
Test: What decision did you make from your very first, "Don't be afraid" admonishment about fear, the automatic reaction that affects your confidence to this very day." The majority of children are admonished, "Be careful. Don't fall." when first walking on a stone wall. Ergo, most of us have lost our natural balancing/coordination abilities. A tight-rope walker's spouse does not yell their own fears, from below, "Don't fall."
The Clearing Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen is designed to support the integrity of the family, it's about creating a safe space to verbally communication withholds. The word "verbally" is a reminder—all withholds are being communicated (dramatized) non-verbally, manifested as behavior/learning problems.
1 About lying: Children are supposed to lie. That's how they learn to tell the truth. One lies and discovers that it had several undesirable effects. A parent's job is to create space for the child to notice the effects, to experience what "happened" as, and after, they lied. If one admonishes or punishes a child for lying, the child feels bad about the "unfair" punishment/punisher rather than experiencing the effects of the lie. Read How to Train Your Child to Deceive You.
2 About fear: Many children upon encountering their first fearful experience—perhaps darkness or an insect, a height, or a scary movie—will say, "I'm afraid."
Most parents reply with their knee-jerk reaction, "Don't be afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just ..., etc."
This well-meant advice invalidates a child's experience, it wreaks havoc with a child's mind. In one fell swoop, it affected (however slightly) the child's spontaneity and confidence for life. Often, "Don't be afraid" isn't delivered with love; usually it's delivered with a raised (jarring-frightening) voice that feels condescending; it feels like a chastisement, like an admonishment—a make-wrong. "I was feeling happy and now I'm not." "Obviously there is something wrong with me and my senses; I sure as hell thought it was fear."
3 About crying: Babies are integrity meters. They can tell when there is an incomplete (an integrity issue) between parents. They cry to let us know that there is an incomplete in the space. Read: Womb-mails — baby’s email to expectant parents.
Last edited 8/26/23