Whenever a child is misbehaving or performing poorly in school it reveals that there is a breakdown in communication (between the parents, and, between the parents and the teacher(s) and, between the parents, teachers and all the adults the child relates with).
Misbehaving and failing is how children let us know that we adults have lapsed into doing our imitation of communication with each other and with them. A misbehaving/failing child is letting everyone know that he/she is not in-communication with anyone. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon.
If you have to keep re-awaking your child each morning, if your child has stopped waking up refreshed, full of boundless renewed energy, then your child is letting you know that it's no fun waking up to arguing blaming parents who used to be happy, who haven't warmly hugged each other for several days, and who are now non-verbally dramatizing withholds and upsets between them. Most importantly, your child is letting you know that they are going to bed each night with dozens of withholds, that you have not cleared them each evening at bedtime, to ensure restful regeneration.*
Non-verbally dumping a persistent abusive relationship problem in your child's space, a situation that you're not willing to resolve through to completion, is unethical, it's a dispiriting energy that can't be restored through sleep. It causes worry; a worried child can't be with a teacher's communications. Comprehension (communication) can't take place in a space occupied with worry.
All children believe they are the cause for the abuse between their parents (no matter the words of assurance that it's not them). Abusive quarreling between parents causes a child to feel bad about him/herself. A child can recall each instance in which they misbehaved after which the parents started arguing. Believes a child, "If I were a better, more loving, child they would treat each other nicer, so I must not be Ok (loving)." A child needs to know, from personal experience, how to clear parents who are dramatizing upsets and withholds, else they won't know how to clear their own partner later when married.
Note #1: Often a child's first attempt at a significant supportive communication is when, in school, they learn about the health risks of smoking; they usually try to get their parent to stop. 99% of the time the child fails. It's invalidating. Such thwarting begins the trend towards enabling, to "putting up with," abusive invalidation, of accepting failure and mediocrity. "Why try to help if they don't want my support?" A smoking parent can't see that smoking (diluting the life-enhancing, brain-stimulating, effects of each breath of air) affects their child's behaviors and grades. The implied non-verbal communication to the child being: "Go to school so that you can become happy, healthy, and successful, even though it didn't work for me. If I knew how to be happy without negatively affecting my health I wouldn't be smoking, I'd be happy. I expect you to have more self-discipline than me. Do as I say, not as I do."
Note #2: If you are withholding one or more significant thoughts from your spouse/partner, then you have caused him/her (and your child) to withhold an equal number of thoughts from you—again, no exceptions.
* To create a safe space for your child to empty his/her mind each evening do The Clearing Process, then you can do the bed-time Clearing Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen with him/her.
Last edited 10/4/21