DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently watched a comedy that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and makeup.
There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to ask him to wear them. Am I crazy?
Should I try to forget this? —BURNING DESIRE IN NAHANT, MASS.
DEAR BURNING: Human sexuality is complicated. There are many women who help their husbands cross-dress, however it is my understanding that the initiator is usually the man. I don't think you are crazy, nor do I think you should "forget" something that you describe as a "burning desire."
What I do think you should do is have a frank discussion with your husband and find out how open-minded he is on the subject. —Annie
Gabby's Reply: Hi Burning: What a great letter. It will be of interest and value to many readers. I’m excited for you. Your inquiry suggests that you are ready to take your relationship to the next level, from talking to communicating. To manifest your intention you'll be entering a realm in which all that you know about sex won’t apply any more, one in which the entire experience of interacting becomes experiential intercourse—no beginnings, no ends.
- "Communicating" refers to a communication model in which both parties agree to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero withholds. Communicating, as opposed to talking, is characterized by lots of uncertainty, embarrassment, giggling and laughter, and of course, joyous love. Most importantly, it’s about communicating from your experience instead of from your mind.
The following thoughts will facilitate the transition.
I’m concerned about your comment, "…but I haven't had the nerve to ask him." There is a communication process for individuals/couples that will support you in identifying the source of and disappear your fear *. Your fear consists of many many considerations; underneath them is the truth. Considerations are thoughts, both conscious and unconscious, that have not been verbalized.
Here’s some possible considerations:
- Even the thought of thinking about talking about the subject triggers anxiety. This fear probably began during childhood, after an interaction with another, perhaps trying to talk with a parent about sex. It runs you to this very day.
Your concern about what he might think about you is another consideration.
You might have vestiges of Victorian-like values and so there could be shame, etc. associated with the thought.
Another consideration might be that several years ago he jokingly revealed a bias about something associated with such things and your mind has stored that subtle communication in the back of your mind.
Yet another consideration might be embarrassment, yours and that which you think he might experience.
Another could be that you have an unconscious fear of where it might lead to, for both you and him.
And, of course the biggie, what if he not only says no but with self-righteous condescension.
Each of these considerations, and dozens more that we haven’t covered (most of which are hidden at the unconscious level) serve as barriers to open, honest, and spontaneous communication. In the communication mastery curriculum your objective is to empty your mind of all considerations so that you’ll not have any automatic reactions. It’s called completing the incompletes. Topics of sex will be as easy and comfortable as discussions about meal preferences.
Once you have formulated the intention to share all your considerations the truth of what your fear is about will appear.
- "Incompletes" refer to mostly childhood interactions that were not mutually satisfying.
Although you are always the leader in your relationship, which includes surrendering when appropriate, in this matter you are the guide. BTW: He has exactly the same number of considerations. In truth all we’re talking about is cloth and giving and receiving pleasure.
The next "level" (a.k.a. the communication mastery curriculum) has to do with enrolling another/others in supporting your projects. This requires that you are clear about your intentions. For example: If you ask him and he says no it would reveal that you unconsciously intended him to say no. It would also reveal that you were unconscious when you asked him, that no matter what you believed you had no intention for him to say yes. This brings us to the subject of asking.
For you to ask anyone for anything you must first have in your mind that it be your idea that they say yes or no. In this way you create space for them to choose rather than reluctantly give in to your unconscious manipulative/pressure. Most men blow it big time with their partner when they manipulate them into group sex or three-somes. This is partly because they have yet to master communication. They don’t know how to create space for it to be their partner’s idea also. Consequently, the partner goes along with it but unconsciously makes sure that it doesn’t work.
For you to manifest "...lingerie..." you first have to be totally willing to let go of your "desire" FOREVER (if there's even a hint of disappointment or make-wrong he'll know he has no choice). Once you've handled your considerations you must be willing to get all his, with no laughing or expressions of disappointment or shock. You must be safe space for him to share his truths. Keep in mind, The Clearing Process for couples will reveal many thoughts you both have been hiding from each other—it will result in a squeaky clean relationship and intercourse like never before.
BTW: Topics that are deal-breakers MUST be covered during the engagement period. Both need to reveal their fantasies so as to find out if they are mutually supportable. Often a man hides (withholds) his fantasies believing he can later talk his wife into swapping, or whatever; withholding thoughts is the beginning of the end of the growth and expansion in the relationship. The fear of telling the truth always takes its toll. —Gabby
* The Clearing Process —includes a clearing process for couples. It's best that you start with five clearings, one per day for five days in a row, before you mention the topic. If you're intent on mastering communication complete all 4 free processes at The Clearing House first.