DEAR ANN LANDERS: Please settle a disagreement. It could save my relationship.
Recently I attended a business conference with my boss and received a call on my cell phone from my boyfriend. I told him I couldn't talk and would call him back. He asked if my boss was here, I said, "Yes, he's sitting right here. We are in a meeting." He insisted that I say "I love you," right then and there. I refused. I said it was inappropriate. He became angry, and then he hung up on me.
He later said if I really loved him, I would speak those words anytime, anywhere. I told him he put me on the spot and should apologize for expecting me to take a personal call during a business meeting. Now he has stopped speaking to me. What do you say? PROFESSIONAL WOMAN IN VANCOUVER, BC.
Dear Vancouver: I'm not sure your relationship is worth saving. The man sounds like a control freak of the first order. Have you considered what your life will be like if you marry him? Please give serious consideration to what I am saying. His insecurity could be a millstone around your neck—forever. ANN
Gabby’s Response:
Hi Vancouver:
Lots of valuable stuff here.
What you're experiencing is a mirror of your own pattern of controlling. You seduced an immature boy whom you could control. You have trained him to feel insecure. You have rewarded his previous controlling behaviors. In other words, this argument is not about the burnt toast, it's about an earlier argument, an incomplete.
You have not enrolled him in supporting you in your career. He thought nothing of dumping on you and hanging up leaving you incomplete for the day. This is called sabotage. In truth it was an unconscious payback for something you have done to him. I suspect he doesn't respect you for hanging out with him. You are equally immature to be interacting with him.
That he is so attached to hearing the words "I love you" reveals that you control him. You keep him around by keeping him incomplete, wondering, begging to hear the words. He was of course jealous. You have communicated something to create that.
Notice that you have trained him to argue. How did he know to not hang up after you said you "couldn't talk?" The "I couldn't talk" was a lie because you kept talking. He intuitively knew this from previous interactions with you, conversations in which you said something and didn't mean it.
Who trained him, who gave him the remotest idea that it would be appropriate to call you? This goes to the core of how you carry yourself. You'd do well to acknowledge that he communicated appropriate to your act which is considerably different than how you see yourself. You signed, "Professional" however a professional would have such things handled. Perhaps you were expecting a business related phone call but most professionals turn off their cell phones when in meetings.
Someone not addicted to arguing would have handled it, upon hearing who it was, "Is this an emergency?" (if not) interrupt whatever's being said and say, "I'm in a meeting. I'll be in meetings all day. I'll call you tonight. Goodbye."
There's nothing serious here. It's all puppy love stuff. Gabby
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#37 Boyfriend's call interrupts business meeting
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- Posts: 2
- Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:36 pm
Re: #37 Boyfriend's call interrupts business meeting
Hi Gabby,
I must say your answer is exactly the same with what I am thinking. I am facing quite the same situation with my current (ex)boyfriend. We have been together for the eight months and now we are in the break period. I suggested for a break up because things are not working. The other reason is my family and he don't like each other. I am tired being stuck in the middle.
Everyone around me has been saying that everything happened is his fault which I found not quite right because he won't get worse if I didn't submit to everything he said. But, this thought has made me somehow attached to him.
My friends and family has been constantly nagging me to break up with him whom I refused since I felt that I am the one who take control of my relationship and they have no right to interfere. The problem is my parents; they are always using the excuse that they are depressed thinking about my future. It really makes me feel even worse about myself, in the addition of stress from the relationship I am having.
Even after the break up I still talk to him and become even more distant toward my friend and family.
I must say your answer is exactly the same with what I am thinking. I am facing quite the same situation with my current (ex)boyfriend. We have been together for the eight months and now we are in the break period. I suggested for a break up because things are not working. The other reason is my family and he don't like each other. I am tired being stuck in the middle.
Everyone around me has been saying that everything happened is his fault which I found not quite right because he won't get worse if I didn't submit to everything he said. But, this thought has made me somehow attached to him.
My friends and family has been constantly nagging me to break up with him whom I refused since I felt that I am the one who take control of my relationship and they have no right to interfere. The problem is my parents; they are always using the excuse that they are depressed thinking about my future. It really makes me feel even worse about myself, in the addition of stress from the relationship I am having.
Even after the break up I still talk to him and become even more distant toward my friend and family.
Re: #37 Boyfriend's call interrupts business meeting
Hi Confused,
Thanks so much for writing. There is light at the end of this tunnel.
It’s altogether too easy to get wrapped up in the story. It ain’t about him. He’s just the fire, not the match. The value from all this is to see what’s it really all about for you.
It’s not by accident that you accidentally chose/attracted someone to upset your parents. A daughter who is whole and complete, one who has a supportive loving relationship with her parents, lives by the mandate to bring someone into the clan whom she knows her parents will love and vise versa.
You’d do well to look and see what thoughts you’ve been hiding from your parents. From your perspective "they" must have done something terrible to hurt you for you to persist in abusing them.
Your happiness is dependent upon you learning how to communicate responsibly. Presently you’re stuck in blame, you're at effect. That’s OK, you’re supposed to be. 99.9% of the population stays there their entire life. Few have the intention to create a new paradigm. If you persist with your point of view you have the formula of more of the same. Ten years from now you’ll still be running your life in opposition from what your parents and others want you to do. As you’ve noticed, taking an opposite stance is not you either. There are conversations that will accelerate you through this; however, you can’t have them with anyone you know. All with whom you relate empower you in being the victim. Notice how they have all taken your side, “Everyone around me has been saying that everything happened is his fault.” You and I know you are 100% cause, that you’ve manufactured this mess using your very powerful leadership-communication skills.
There is something that needs your attention on this planet and it will never work for any of us until you find/create your purpose in life.
With aloha,
Gabby
Thanks so much for writing. There is light at the end of this tunnel.
It’s altogether too easy to get wrapped up in the story. It ain’t about him. He’s just the fire, not the match. The value from all this is to see what’s it really all about for you.
It’s not by accident that you accidentally chose/attracted someone to upset your parents. A daughter who is whole and complete, one who has a supportive loving relationship with her parents, lives by the mandate to bring someone into the clan whom she knows her parents will love and vise versa.
You’d do well to look and see what thoughts you’ve been hiding from your parents. From your perspective "they" must have done something terrible to hurt you for you to persist in abusing them.
Your happiness is dependent upon you learning how to communicate responsibly. Presently you’re stuck in blame, you're at effect. That’s OK, you’re supposed to be. 99.9% of the population stays there their entire life. Few have the intention to create a new paradigm. If you persist with your point of view you have the formula of more of the same. Ten years from now you’ll still be running your life in opposition from what your parents and others want you to do. As you’ve noticed, taking an opposite stance is not you either. There are conversations that will accelerate you through this; however, you can’t have them with anyone you know. All with whom you relate empower you in being the victim. Notice how they have all taken your side, “Everyone around me has been saying that everything happened is his fault.” You and I know you are 100% cause, that you’ve manufactured this mess using your very powerful leadership-communication skills.
There is something that needs your attention on this planet and it will never work for any of us until you find/create your purpose in life.
With aloha,
Gabby
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- Posts: 2
- Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:36 pm
Re: #37 Boyfriend's call interrupts business meeting
Dear Gabby,
Thank you for your reply.
I love the way you say that I am the one to blame in a heartful way. And you are right again that I have to find the answer for my problem by myself. I just hope that the decisions I make will be the right one.
Cheers.
Confused Girl
Thank you for your reply.
I love the way you say that I am the one to blame in a heartful way. And you are right again that I have to find the answer for my problem by myself. I just hope that the decisions I make will be the right one.
![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_smile.gif)
Cheers.
Confused Girl
Re: #37 Boyfriend's call interrupts business meeting
Hi Confused,
Thank you for the acknowledgment.
It's imperative that you become clear about the difference between fault, blame, and responsibility. Responsibility has absolutely nothing to do with fault or blame, those are words used in the legal system's adversarial communication model. Responsibility on the other hand usually only means something to someone who is resisting being responsible. Responsibility is a what's so acknowledgment. And, most importantly, once you accept it there's none left for the other to take.
Re: "And you are right again that I have to find the answer for my problem by myself. I just hope that the decisions I make will be the right one." Not so. Through our interactions, our communications, you will begin to find yourself automatically making choices that work—that's what happens when communication takes place—problems simply disappear (new, more desirable ones take their place). There is nothing to do. You can't make the wrong decision. It doesn't work to make any decision you've made wrong; you needed to have done all that you have to get here. It doesn't work to invalidate your genius. It's all working out perfectly.
Gabby
Thank you for the acknowledgment.
It's imperative that you become clear about the difference between fault, blame, and responsibility. Responsibility has absolutely nothing to do with fault or blame, those are words used in the legal system's adversarial communication model. Responsibility on the other hand usually only means something to someone who is resisting being responsible. Responsibility is a what's so acknowledgment. And, most importantly, once you accept it there's none left for the other to take.
Re: "And you are right again that I have to find the answer for my problem by myself. I just hope that the decisions I make will be the right one." Not so. Through our interactions, our communications, you will begin to find yourself automatically making choices that work—that's what happens when communication takes place—problems simply disappear (new, more desirable ones take their place). There is nothing to do. You can't make the wrong decision. It doesn't work to make any decision you've made wrong; you needed to have done all that you have to get here. It doesn't work to invalidate your genius. It's all working out perfectly.
Gabby