#22 How do I stop wife verbally abusing our son? / Husband needs therapy immediately
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply concerned about my 9 year-old son's self esteem. My wife is constantly yelling and calling him names over trivial things. She is a perfectionist, so anything not perfect is cause for verbal assault.
A recent example is a misplaced 39-cent notepad. My son was called an idiot, stupid and an ass in her tirade. I feel this cannot be good for his emotional well being, but I am unable to stop her. She becomes irate when I even suggest that she is less than a good mother. She does not do this in public, but I still think it is hurtful to my son's self esteem. She does the same sort of thing with me, but I've had counseling to deal with it. What can I do for my son? CONCERNED DAD IN BATAVIA, ILL.
DEAR CONCERNED: Your concern is valid. Your wife's inability to control her temper can have lasting effects on your son's self esteem. Children form their sense of worth from messages (verbal and nonverbal) their parents give them. When a parent tells a child he is an idiot, stupid or an ass, that's how he will perceive himself. On some level he will blame himself for the abuse. Unless something is done now to break the cycle, as your son grows up he may be unable to shrug off the guilt and sense of inadequacy his mother is placing on his shoulders.
The label for what your wife is doing is "verbal abuse." It may take psychological counseling for her to learn how to cope with her temper in a more appropriate manner. I urge her to seek it.
You didn't say how long the verbal battery has been going on, but if the pattern is well established, counseling is also in order for your son. Our society has come a long way in recognizing the need to protect children from sexual and physical abuse. It's unfortunate that so little can be done for the child who is verbally abused, because as it stands, unless a concerned adult steps in to defend him he is all alone today. ABBY
Gabby’s Response:
Hi Concerned: Thank you so much for writing. You do indeed have a challenging problem.
If I thought you'd listen I'd say take your son to an orphanage. Get him away from the both of you. He would not even be safe with any friends/relatives, all of whom empower you two in traumatizing each other and your son.
Even if you take my next advice and enroll yourself today in six months of weekly therapy sessions you will still be submitting your son to more abuse—for however long it takes for you to heal.
Your wife is extremely sick, however, you are equally sick. Yes, equally. For every alcoholic or batterer there is an enabler. For you to attract someone that sick without insisting that she get therapy, is your far greater problem. "I still think it's hurtful..." reveals that you are in denial.
For you to heal you have to be willing to let go of your dependency upon having her as your main problem in life, someone to make wrong. It is your self esteem we are looking at. It could be said that you are intending (albeit unconsciously) for her to abuse your son to teach you a lesson.
Hourly you are teaching your son what to expect in a relationship. Most likely he will someday find someone just like her and he'll sit by innocently bemoaning while allowing/creating abuse in his relationships. Your legacy to him will be thousands of dollars in therapy bills when he can get away from you two.
It's even worse. You will find yourself uttering pathetic, feeble excuses, possibly through jail bars, to your son, as to why you supported her in beating up on him daily. You are stuck in what's called an adversarial communication model (see Spouse Abuse Tutorial).
I acknowledge you for reaching out. Millions of other parents are unwilling to see that they are equally sick and therefore the cause of the abuse. —Gabby
BTW: Get another counselor. Yours trained you to put up with abuse instead of supporting you in getting to the source of your need to attract, incite, foment, and reward abuse. You're looking for the first incident of abuse in your life, the person, day, place and time. Relate that communication, that interaction, to someone skilled at "getting" another's communication; most likely your memory of it contains a lie. That incomplete is called your number one; it's a communication that did not end mutually satisfying. You unconsciously made a decision from that incident that runs you to this day.
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Last edited 8/29/16