Hi Scared: For my reply to be of value you will have to be willing to look at this situation from the point of view, no matter how ludicrous it may seem, that you are intending this to happen, for an as yet unknown reason. You also have to acknowledge that you alone attracted and married a woman with such a background. Call it karma, call it the consequence of an unacknowledged perpetration, a communication (an incident) from your childhood, there’s something going on here about you.
My experience has been that most people attract like people. In brief, this means that for every perpetration she has committed you have committed an equal number. What I get from your post is that you are oblivious to your own perpetrations and that you some how attribute this seemingly unwanted problem to her karma, the consequences of how she used to communicate. Now after reading this you may argue and think, no way have I committed the kinds of perpetrations she has. This is the same kind of thinking a battered spouse has, “But my abuse wasn’t as bad as his abuse.” I assure you if I spent time with you we’d uncover a horrendous number of unacknowledged perpetrations. You're much too smart to not have thought about the possible consequences of marrying her and yet you ignored your self.
If I were in communication with your wife I would support her in seeing that no matter what she believes, she is intending this. How do we know? Because that’s the results she’s producing with her present communication model. Five years from now, we’ll know what you two are up to now. Keep in mind that much of the results we produce in life are produced nonverbally, psychically, and unconsciously. Most people only discover that they are psychically intending a result after it happens. Then they can see. Oh yes, I see now what I was up to. and more interesting, and yes, I really did know.
One clue that neither of you operates from responsibility, from cause, is, “very open and honest about what happened.” If your wife were truly, as you say, repentant, she would know that it did not “happen.” It was all her creation. She merely found him to play out one of her roles.
I’m curious as to what your relationship with your parents is like. It appears that it’s not a mutually satisfying supportive relationship, else you would be resolving this with them. I’m also wondering what your parents said when you told them you were marrying a former mobster's girl. Quite possibly you knew they would disapprove and so you hid the truth from them, and ignored their nonverbal advise, their genius, and married her.
Two words concern me: "repentant" and "saved." Do you mean religiously? If so, you should be consulting your clergy. It invalidates your religion to not confide, to use, to allow it to support you through your problems.
You brush over some essentials of the problem. If you were my client it would be important for you to know exactly what your wife communicated to him when he first re-contacted her.
That communication caused him (covertly, non-verbally, psychically manipulated, no matter what she believes or says) to call again. We know this because that's the results she produced with her sophisticated leadership-communication skills. And, it’s not only about the words she used. He somehow got that nothing had changed, that she was/is still absolutely willing to be controlled. A clear conscious woman, one who has acknowledged all of life's perpetrations, having no need to be acknowledged further, would have either, simply hung up the nano-second she recognized his voice or, she would have communicated in no uncertain terms, "I'm happily married. Please do not ever call again. Good by." I suspect that she has, from time to time, fantasized about him and what they did together (this would be normal), but that she has been afraid to tell you. These
withholds are now manifesting themselves.
Now here's the kicker: No matter what you believe, it has been your intention to create her intending that he call her and invite her back into his life. Ask yourself, "What could I possible be up to that I would create this mess? For what do I need to be acknowledged (caught)?" It could be that you've been unconsciously masterminding a divorce.
There’s so much more about this I simply can’t serve you via this medium. Once you can choose to die, then you will be able to handle this appropriately. If you live in fear of dying, he’ll know. My advice to you is to get yourself into therapy and see what’s going on that you would have a need to create such a situation. Thank you for reaching out. —Gabby
BTW: There are communication processes that restore a person's integrity, that supports an individual in being whole and complete after committing/supporting a lifetime of perpetrations. These acknowledgment processes release the karma so to speak. Here in Hawaii, the belief is to have a Kahuna bless the new building ground, the new used car, etc. so as to release any negative energy. While their method is different than that of a communication skills coach the intentions are the same.
PS: If your wife has been relating with, interacting with, her parents, since being "saved," then there's a 41% chance she is a recidivist. That is to say, here in Hawaii 41% of all parolees return to prison. It's my contention that they do so in large part because though they may be somewhat rehabilitated, their loved ones, family, and friends did not also under go rehabilitation. In this case, your wife may have continued interacting with her parents, thereby re triggering/reinforcing the undesirable pattern (one single conversation can undo the hard work of the prison rehabilitation staff). Remember, it's her parent's leadership communication model that caused their daughter to opt for supporting crime. Unfortunately, the only solution I can recommend for a parolee is: Insist that his/her parents, family members, and spouse attend 50 50-minute sessions of therapy/counseling, as a condition for the parolee to ever ever interact with even one of them again.