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Communication Tip:

Originally written by Kerry for tutorial reference material, rewritten for Communication Weekly.

Intending, creating, and recreating a communication

This 1 1/2 minute video titled Dog Babysitting Baby was submitted to YouTube by LordDavid6 from Argentina. It’s a delightful illustration of what happens when one (in this case a dog) recreates another’s communication, in this instance a baby’s discomfiture and upset.*

Using communication coaching lingo, “A” (the baby) created a communication and “B” (the dog) recreated it. As always, if “B” perfectly recreates “A’s” communication then “A” no longer has it; “B” has gotten and disappeared it for “A” and both are complete—what’s left is nothing, referred to as space—space for the next creation/sentence. The baby communicated, the dog got and recreated it and the baby got that its discomfiture had been gotten.**

A breakdown in communication between people often begins before the actual delivery when “A” fails to intend that “B” recreate their communication. Most always “A” blames “B” for not getting/understanding them. When “A’s” leadership-communication skills produce something other than what they thought they intended it simply reveals that “A” was not clear about his/her own intention. A clear mind supports clarity of purpose and intention. To discover what’s clouding your mind use — The Clearing Process.

Let’s use the above as pertains to communications between a parent and child:

Mother to son: “Time for homework.” Several minutes later the mother notices that the child is still watching TV. In this case the mother failed to cause her son to recreate what she believed to be her intention; most often a parent blames the child instead of accepting responsibility for failing to intend that their child get and recreate their communication. What’s also true is that the mother (albeit unconsciously) intended her son to thwart her.

What? You say the mother intended her son to not do as she said? Yes. Unbeknownst to her (she had gone unconscious) there was/is an incomplete in the space, one that’s serving as a barrier to communication. Most likely, earlier in the day, she yelled at him and it didn’t feel good (yelling is abusive). It’s not just that she yelled, it’s that she has yet to acknowledge the abusive communication to him. i.e. “I get that my yelling at you at breakfast didn’t feel good. I get that it was abusive.” Her integrity set it up for her child to (unconsciously) thwart her as a reminder to restore (recreate) the experience of integrity between them. Read— Creating/recreating the experience of integrity between parent and child—a clearing process.

Children are perfect integrity meters for parents:

A child will misbehave, fail in school, or even get sick, to draw attention to the fact that the experience of communication between family members is missing, when the integrity is out within the family. Whenever a child is misbehaving, off compass so to speak, it can always be traced to an incomplete, typically something is not being acknowledged; it’s always because the parents are withholding thoughts from each other, they have become stuck dramatizing an upset. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon. This nonverbal drama between parents (pouting/no hugging) greatly affects a child. The absence of an experience of love between parents causes uncertainty and fear within a child. Most always a child thinks he/she is the cause of the friction between his/her parents; children especially believe they are the cause for their parent’s divorce. No matter what words a parent might use to explain to their child why the divorce is not their (the child’s) fault, a child assumes it’s a consequence of how they have been behaving-communicating; the thought the child has of causing the friction persists for as long as the parents go without hugging and giggling. One thought goes something like: If I were a truly loving child I would inspire my parents to treat each other lovingly as they used to, now they argue all the time so I’m definitely not a loving deserving child. Children are naturally responsible, they intuit that somehow they are causing (intending) everything.

* It’s understood that most dogs automatically respond to certain frequencies by howling, a throwback to communications between wolves. It’s further assumed that the dog did not intend that the baby recreate (get) his howling; it’s just a nice happenstance.

** More accurately it should read:
“A” intends to communicate.

“A” then creates a communication (in his/her own mind).

“A” then intends that “B” recreate his/her communication.

“A” then delivers the communication to “B.”

“A” then confirms that “B” recreated/got “A’s” communication
which confirms "A's" intention.
This all happens seemingly simultaneously.

Tip: If a neighbor’s dog barks abusively, you can, using simple audio equipment (mic, amp, & speaker), capture the dog’s barking and play it back via an amplifier capable of adding a micro-second delay; it will cause the dog to stop barking. The dog will start barking again and again immediately hear it’s own voice; the confusing echo eventually causes the dog to stop barking at itself. It’s best to have the neighbor’s supportive permission for this solution. More about cause and effect and a neighbor’s persistent barking dog.

PS: What to do when your baby won’t stop crying

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 8/7/13)

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