Thinking of Adopting? . . . an
orphan's tips about adopting
Orphanages—the good, the bad, and the ugly
If you and your partner are addicted to
withholding significant thoughts from each
other you will automatically, non-verbally,
teach your adoptee to deceive you—a child
has no choice other than to mirror the
integrity of the adults around him/her.
—Kerry
For example:
Parents who withhold thoughts from each other
teach their child to be deceptive, evidenced by
the fact that most teens con each other into
deceiving both sets of parents so as to have
sex.
1) Few orphans complain about being an orphan
because as far as he/she knows, the way things
are is life.
Most adult orphans confide that their childhood
was OK, pretty good, or not bad. Very few say,
"It was terrible" and fewer say, "It was great."
2) Rest assured, orphans in America eat the
USDA's recommended foods, in fact most
aren't lacking the minerals and nutrients
missing in the diets of many children from low
income families.
3) Many orphanage facilities are farms that
provide food for the other orphanages (for
girls) in the state.
4) Orphans sleep on clean sheets, have access to
dentists, nurses, doctors, counselors, and
therapists; no matter the health issue it is
addressed. Note:
Good or bad, there is no lack of visiting
proselytizers trying to recruit and save souls;
the religion of the headmaster often determines
which religion gets one's mind each week.
5) Orphans have chores, but not too taxing.
Because many boy's facilities are also farms
most of the chores are planting, hoeing,
weeding, mowing, haying, feeding and caring for
the animals (milking, gathering eggs). Most
everyone takes turns waiting on tables and
helping with food preparation and doing the
dishes. Overall, it's a moderately physically
healthy life. I say moderately because
we still had enough time and energy to get in
trouble—the guilt for some "troubles" got in the
way of reading comprehension.
6) Christmas is the best time of the year
because merchants donate clothing and tickets to
entertainment events. Boys, who are bussed to
the public high school, are often more conscious
about grooming and fashion than the general
student body, in part because they receive
clothing donations from merchants.
7) One would think that boy orphans would do
well socially with other boys and men thereafter
for life; the same for girls—not necessarily so.
Orphans miss out on the experiences of
communicating comfortably with adults (males,
females and seniors and the wisdom of
grandparents) during maturation. All the adults
(headmasters/counselors/staff) are busily
involved with their specific roles. There are no
regular private arm-chair/kitchen-table
conversations with at least one adult—missing
are the thousands of seemingly unimportant (some
personal) interactions most other children have.
In short, no one modeled for them how engage in
small talk with adults; because of their
uncomfortableness in simply being,
many orphans judge small-talk to be "stupid."
8) One huge disadvantage for orphans is that
boys and girls seldom get to interact with the
opposite sex during the critical required
time-window (different for each young person).
They do not experience the thousands and
thousands of seemingly innocuous interactions
they are supposed have as do children in co-ed
families and schools. Most all adult orphans end
up uncomfortable around opposite sex teens,
therefore, eventually their own children, for
life. I didn't know how to play with my son.
9) Because an orphan knows they are different
they sometimes adopt unique personalities,
brave, strong, smart, daring, cool, punk, etc.
Some even act stupid because it's how they get
more attention. Others, to get attention, do
daring deeds that garner admiration and bragging
rights; many of these orphans end up doing well
in the military, a significant percentage end up
in detention centers or prisons.
10) Orphans become super aware of the
hypocrisies of adults and the world in general.
Broken agreements, not kept seemingly-minor
promises, are more proof of the
untrustworthiness of adults, therefore such
incidents are significant; respect is
immediately lost. As such, some orphans develop
an attitude of contempt and disrespect towards
adults which they mask with super kiss-ass
politeness.*
11) Because virtually all adults lie and deceive
each other some orphans feel, as do members of
the Romani (gypsy) culture, who believe, that
because people who own too many things got their
possessions by being unethical and by being
inconsiderate of poor people, they deserve to be
deceived/conned; so too are orphans trained to
deceive adults and therefore adults deserve to
be conned. Unlike gypsies, this behavior is
seldom done consciously.
12) Orphans receive more advice and
admonishments, as to good behavior, than the
vast majority of children from mom and pop
families; although orphans don't have much
respect for adults/counselors, the staff do take
their parenting responsibilities seriously. Good
manners are the norm. An orphan learns how to
con adults by behaving as expected. They learn
the social work-therapy lingo and can spout
exactly what gets them the best outcomes. Playing
the "poor orphan me" card works, especially with
guilty adults who have more possessions than
their neighbors or, who have not donated to an
orphanage.
13) Most orphans become proficient liars; they
have no choice other than to mirror the
integrity of the headmaster (read about Military
Academy Scandals. Good behaviors are
not about pleasing as they are with "normal"
children who, when
they are in-communication with their parents are
motivated by pride, they don't want to hurt or
disappoint. Although orphans and counselors
"like" each other the
experience of love is missing;
together they use what's referred to as the adversarial
communication model.
14) I can't imagine a boy's orphanage in which
there is no homosexual activity; much like
prisons, sex is rampant, in part because the
children have too much free time and little
hour-by-hour watchful monitoring and
adult-facilitated living-room conversations. It
usually begins with an older boy "introducing" a
new younger boy to sex, strangely with
friendship-like gentleness, so as to maintain
the relationship. The older boy promises (and
delivers) protection. Often these "protection
services" are motivated by genuine compassion
and concern because the
younger boy is in fact (away from the eyes of
the counselors) being bullied.
15) Few orphans describe their first sex
experience as rape. As within prison, boys can't
rat on each other because of the consequences of
what happens to a tattle-tale. Counselors
have so many charges that they lose their
ability to be in-communication with each new
boy. A new counselor may at first notice when a
new the boy is dragging around an incomplete,
perhaps from being bullied, but soon the
counselor becomes overwhelmed with the number of
interactions and can't tell the difference in a
child's day-to-day countenance. Counselors,
being typical, are themselves dragging around
thousands of incompletes. Most
counselors have one or more inaccuracies,
omissions, or lies on their job application
forms; in other
words, integrity throughout the orphanage system
is just a word. An orphan seldom experiences a
truly happy joyous counselor. Happiness just
isn't modeled for an orphan. Laughing yes, but
it's not a joyous, happy, kind of laughing.
16) Boys have no choice other than to mirror the
leadership-communication skills of the
headmaster, counselors and all with whom they
each relate (especially everyone's addiction to
withholding certain thoughts).
17) Bedtime clearings (such as the Clearing
Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen)
are non-existent so children (and the staff) go
to bed each night with dozens of unacknowledged
good deeds and perpetrations; these withholds
and deceits get in the way of comprehension when
studying.
18) Most orphans have
been shuffled from orphanage to orphanage, some
to one or more foster homes/parents, as such
they don't develop the strong attachments to
people as do mom and pop reared children. When
they leave one place they seldom think back,
it's as though the staff and fellow orphans have
vanished. Education/healthcare majors are not
taught the subject of acknowledgment as
a communication variable and so degreed
orphanage counselors don't/can't teach orphans
about acknowledgment.**
In fact, many
orphans grow up with a warped sense of
entitlement; because they missed out on
the benefits of family life some
come to believe the world owes them.
Some never truly apply themselves because they
believe the world (or a unknown rich relative)
will eventually come to his/her senses and
help/bequeath them. Of counselors, "They only
treated me nice because it was their job." The
thought of giving Christmas/birthday cards or
presents to counselors seldom enter an orphan's
mind except as a prompted obligation. For many
orphans, "thank you's" are programmed rote
manners—holidays and celebrations are
uncomfortable; generosity
to others doesn't come naturally,
giving/receiving is not experienced as an
expression of love. Because no adult
around them is in-integrity, no adult can see
that they are not in communication with the
child—all have become stuck doing their imitation
of communication.
* Due
to the integrity of its staff, which is
comparatively higher than that of typical
families, orphanages provide the exact same
street-smart conning abilities and skills
learned by inmates from fellow prisoners.
It's totally possible to create orphanages that
produce world-class leaders.
** Very few orphans donate
any significant amount, or their estate when
they die, to their orphanages; few invite staff
to weddings. It could be that orphans come to
believe that they survived (succeeded) because
of their own skills, not because of the help of
others.
Lastly, I am so very grateful that my birth
parents, and later my adoptees, gave me up
for adoption. I've seen how most "normal" family
members treat each other; I can't imagine living
amongst them. It accounts for why so many
children from dysfunctional families run away. I
believe an orphanage is often the best ethical
responsible gift a parent can give a
child—rather than submit him/her to more of the
parent's abusive behaviors and karma.
Last edited 6/4/21
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Last edited 6/4/21