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"Anonymous" in Washington state wrote to Dear Abby: "I can't stand my 10-year-old daughter." Gabby published the original letter to Dear Abby and Abby's reply and composed a different reply #123 Mom can't stand 10-year-old daughter and offered "Anonymous" the following free Parent-Child Clearing Process What follows is a communication-clearing process for the mom (the letter-writer) and her ten-year-old daughter. It's a customized version of The [free] Clearing Process for Parent and Child.
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Instructions: Read the following several times before you set aside the time to sit with your daughter. It's referred to as a Parent-Child Clearing Process. Allow an hour for the process with your daughter but 30-mins will be a good beginning. Choose a time and a private room with a door so that friends, family members, the TV or the telephone, won't be interrupting you. Turn off your cell phone and turn off the volume on an answering machine. It's OK if you print and read from this page as you're sitting opposite her. Announce to your daughter words to the effect, "Tomorrow morning at 9:00 you and I are going to sit down for an hour and have a nice long-overdue mother-daughter talk. It will make our relationship better; you'll be more comfortable talking with others, especially boys." She might then ask: "What's it about?" You reply: "It's about communication. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow morning."2 To create a context for doing the process you can tell her, "You're old enough now for us to do a mother-daughter communication process that will make our relationship work better." She might assume that this is something all mothers do with all daughters at a certain age. She might even expect it to be the Birds 'n Bees talk. Have two straight-backed chairs positioned opposite each other and a table and box of tissues within arm's length of you both. Note: Do not suggest, offer, or hand her a tissue—that would be helping—she must reach for one on her own. Have her sit on a straight-backed chair. Then you position your straight-backed chair directly opposite her, with you as close as possible, so that your knees are outside her knees but not touching hers. This unusual close positioning will let her know that something different is about to happen. Again, as far as she knows this is an event that happens between all mothers and daughters her age. You both will be uncomfortable. Begin by asking her to look you in the eyes. If she looks away, avoiding your eyes, keep saying (gently, with love) "Look into my eyes please." Once you are able to look each other in the eyes for about 10 seconds, ask her to share whatever thought(s) she may have on her mind. Keep in mind that for her to be looking at you, being with you, perhaps for the first time ever, may be so emotional (possibly experiencing sadness, fear, anger, happiness and love) that she will start to tear or cry. If so, breath deeply and say, "It's OK sweetheart, breath." Then you breath so that you are matching her inhalations/exhalations. (It's important that you not say anything else or touch her while she cries; simply be there for her). You must choose to be uncomfortable. Ask the same question, "What thoughts are you thinking?" several times until the emotion subsides. Each wave of crying has a thought attached to it. Providing you breath deeply (breathing-by-example), it will bring to the surface the specific thought that triggered the emotion, the thought that needs to be shared verbally. Once she is able to look you in the eyes for about 10 seconds without looking away or crying, tell her, "What we're doing is called a clearing process. I'm going to say some things that might be uncomfortable to hear." Note: This is called creating a context so as to deliver a difficult communication. Then say, "I'm going to say that again" and then say, "I'm going to say some things that might be uncomfortable to hear—I want you to know that part of the process is choosing to be uncomfortable." Say or read to her, "[her name], I'm going to say some things that might be uncomfortable for you to hear. Some things I say might sound strange or not even be true, or they might be confusing. Some things might make you feel like crying. That's OK. Some things I say might upset you. That's OK. You have my permission to be upset." "For example I might say, 'The ceiling is the floor.' Now you know this is a lie, but I want you to just get it and not comment on it. Don't make any funny faces or smile. Let's try it. Here goes, 'The floor is the ceiling.' "Good." "Let's try another, 'You're an elephant.' 'Oops, no smiling.' 'Let's try one more. 'I am your mother.' 'Good.' 'Let's begin.'" Communicate verbally to her the following: (you may read it verbatim or use your own words) "(Insert her name), I want you to know that I know I have been abusive to you." If she doesn't say anything then continue. If she says something, no matter what she says, just get it. Absolutely no comments, no facial expressions. For example, she might immediately say, "Oh no, that's OK mom, I understand." After she says what she needs to say, you say, "Thank you." No matter what she says, you're to say, "Thank you." (absolutely no other comments). Then communicate the following: "I want you to know that I know that the way I have been treating you at times has not felt good." (same "getting it" procedure) "I want you to know that I have felt badly about the way I have treated you sometimes." This sentence may trigger an automatic reaction—for her to feel sorry for you; she might be moved to minimize or deny the abuse, (such as "That's OK, mom, I understand" or even, "I know I deserve it sometimes.") in which case refrain from commenting. Just get it. Remember, no matter what you tell her, she still believes that she's the cause for your upsets (and, from her perspective she is cause—so you don't want to invalidate what she (in her universe) knows to be true).3 Her memory is such that every time she has been "bad" it has been followed with an abusive argument between you and her father. "(Insert her name here), let me repeat that last sentence. I want you to know that I have felt badly about the way I have treated you." — pause and then say, "Thanks for getting that." Ensure she is looking in your eyes and say, "I'm not going to try to explain why I have been treating you badly because I don't know why. I could give you dozens of reasons but none are the truth as to why? What I do know is that I haven't been verbally sharing all of my thoughts about you with you. I haven't been communicating openly, and honestly, and spontaneously with you. I've been withholding significant thoughts from you; actually there is no one in my entire life with whom I have been completely open and honest. Here are a few reasons why I haven't been open and honest with you." Continue by sharing these or other reasons: "I have thought that if I shared my thoughts, if I said everything that was on my mind, you wouldn't feel good. Another reason I haven't shared some thoughts with you is because I didn't want to feel uncomfortable. Another reason I didn't share some thoughts with you is because I thought that if I did I would be considered a bad mother and I want to be a good mother." "Now I need to ask you. Can I share some of the thoughts I have been withholding from you?" Get a clear clean, verbal, Yes. If there's any hesitancy at all, (or a typical teen "whatever" or a mousey submission) tell her, "That's OK. Let me know if you change your mind. OK? In other words, for this process to work I need your verbal permission to share some of the thoughts I've been hiding from you." If yes. "OK [her name], now is the time to choose to be uncomfortable. One thought I've had, and I know it isn't true but the thought persists, is that I have had the thought that I think you're ugly." It's not that you are ugly, it's that I've had the thought and I've been afraid to share that thought with you." She will react. Whatever her reaction (crying/smiling), whatever she says, simply get it, and say, "Thank you for telling me that." Nothing else. No explanations/justifications, especially, no apologies. Another thought I've had is that, "I want to change you. I want you to be . . . ." "I want you to . . . ." "I don't like the way you . . . ." Again, this might bring up sadness or tears. Be with her. No matter what she says don't comment on it. It's extremely important that you not comment on what she says. If you comment on something she says (other than "Thank you for sharing that.") you'll shut down communication. You have to choose to be uncomfortable. You have to resist wanting to comfort her with words or a hug, or worse, trying to explain yourself. Again, what she needs is for you to be there for her without an apology, without advice, without parenting wisdom. Anything you say will minimize the benefits of the process. You can even say, "The instructions say that I'm not supposed to touch or hug you or try to console you. It's very uncomfortable for me to be here without being able to apologize but the instructions say, that I'm definitely not supposed to apologize, or say I'm sorry, for my behaviors." Be there silently for her to share whatever came up for her from your sharing. Once she has said everything she needs to say, thank her, and then create space for her to share her withholds with you. Begin by asking her. "Tell me something you would change about me?" Again, don't comment, no smiling,4 just, "Thank you." Then, "Tell me something else you'd like to change about me." Keep repeating this 12 times—even when she communicates, "Nothing else comes to mind." Underneath the, "Nothing comes to mind," stored in the back of the mind is something (often it's a biggie, the one she's afraid to say for fear of being punished or of hurting your feelings). The more intent you are on being a safe space for the truth to be told the more open and honest she will be. As she begins to get that you are not commenting on what she says she'll feel safer to share truths. Next: Tell me something you'd change about you? Ask 12 times. Next: "Tell me something you don't like about how I treat _ _ _ (1st brother)." Repeat 12x. Say thank you after each share. Next: "Tell me something you don't like about the way I have treated
_ _ _ _ (2nd brother)." Repeat 12x. Say thank you after each
share. For example: You: Tell me something you don't like about how I treat your 1st brother. Her: Nothing. You: Thank you. Tell me something else you don't like about how I have treated your 1st brother. Her: (after a very long pause during which her mind hopes you'll not press her for the truth. Remember, most adults have trained teens to not answer difficult or embarrassing questions or truths. The teen just remains silent which causes the adult to skip the question and begin another communication). She might then say, "Nothing, except when you yell at him." If you feel comfortable you may ask, "When was that?" (because she may be thinking of an abusive incident you forgot, one in which she has yet to hear you verbally acknowledge (to him, in front of her) as being abusive. . —then, "Thank you." Note: A blanket apology, such as, "I'm sorry for all the times I yelled at you" does not complete each specific yelling, for you or the recipient. You: "Thank you. Tell me something else you don't like about how I have treated your 1st brother." If you intend to be the space for the truth to be told she will get it and share it. Repeat the above for the 2nd brother. Next: "Now tell me something you like about me." Repeat 12x. Say thank you after each share. Next: "Tell me what you like about you." "Good. Thank you." Repeat 12x. "Now let me tell you some things I like about you." Communicate at least 12 things you like about her. Lastly, "What have you done for which you'd like to be acknowledged—good or bad?5 I promise there won't be any punishments." If she has resistance to acknowledging any perpetrations then you lead the way by sharing a few lies, thefts, and abuses you perpetrated on others as a teen. (Using the Reunion Conversations, while you do The Clearing Process will trigger memories of your childhood perpetrations). Again, repeat your question 12x. Ask with the intention of being a safe space for the truth to be told else she'll hide the biggie, the biggest perpetration of her life or the "sick" thought she (or you) thinks means she's evil or bad. Remember, all sex offenders hid their very first "aberrant" thought from their parents. Research premise: I believe research will prove that the majority of sex offenders didn't have any conversations about sex with their parents. Read Birds 'n Bees 2.0 a must for today's prepubescent children. Once you do The [free] Clearing Process you will get an even better understanding of how the process works. Upon completion you'll have a whole new and exciting relationship. She will be happier than she's ever been with you, and, providing you've shared all your secrets (your childhood and present perpetrations) with her, including all the details about your relationship with her father (especially the stuff you hid from your parents), you'll experience the experience of love and mother-daughter friendship with her. 1 You presently can't create a safe space for the truth to be told because you are out-integrity, you have perpetrations for which you have not been acknowledged. Deceit always begets deceit. The Clearing Process supports you in acknowledging life's accumulated perpetrations. 2 It's possible that on the morning of the clearing she may say that she isn't feeling well, or actually be sick—or simply wants to get out of "it" whatever she's afraid "it" might be. She will in fact be experiencing fear/anxiety (possibly guilt about a hidden perpetration) in which case, you can tell her that it's OK. "Let's re-schedule it for another day. How about next Saturday morning?" 3 She has been trained to accept abuse; as such she doesn't see/experience abuse as abuse (not knowing anything else she assumes it's normal). 99% of all women unconsciously put up with (actually reward and therefore cause) their spouse to be condescending because they are used to being spoken to that way by their parents thinking it's love. She thinks that verbal abuse means she's not bad enough to be thrown out; so, she might not be getting what you're acknowledging. You might have to give her an example of a specific abusive incident with her after which you didn't feel good. 4 You have developed a way of communicating upsets and disappointments non-verbally. Gamblers call it a "tell" (an almost imperceptible micro expression). All children can read their parent's tells. 5 You must be ready to hear something shocking and not react. For example: Her: "I had sex with my babysitter." "I started a fire in the house down the street." "I stole money from . . ." "I watch porn when you're not home." "I look in your dresser drawers." In other words, for you to be a safe space for her to tell the truth you must be willing to hear every/anything, else she'll know that you'll react negatively—that you'll punish her with a typical "upset mother" look. Click the "Back" button below to return to Mom can't stand 10-year-old daughter.
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Check back from time to time for minor edits. (last edited 1/20/21)
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