Dear Annie: My sister and I have not seen our brother for over 10 years. Our mother passed away several months ago, and we think he should be informed of the details. Mom was abusive when we were young, so there was a lot of tension in our family, and it explains why my brother lost touch. However since she has gone, that is all in the past. We want our mother's death to bring a sense of closure and reconciliation, but so far it hasn't.

I found some addresses on the Internet for a person with my brother's name. I wrote to those places, but never received a response. Can you help? —Still Looking in Omaha

Dear Omaha: The Salvation Army might be able to let your brother know you are searching for him. Contact Salvation Army, Missing Persons Bureau, 10 W. Algonquin Rd., Des Plains, IL 60016, or salvationarmy.org. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Omaha: It could be that not finding him yet is your integrity at work. It's quite possible that what you've been doing, unbeknownst to you, is setting yourself up to confront what you'll need to acknowledge in order to have a mutually satisfying conversation, and therefore a continuing supportive loving relationship with him.

Have you had the realization yet that you are your parents, specifically, your mother? Perhaps you have already completed your phase of being her. On the other hand, maybe you have done everything in your power to grow up to not be like her, and so you have developed a "nice" act (nice as in unreal and phony, not in the present, can't be trusted to tell the truth to a person's face—addicted to gossiping and badmouthing) so as to resist being like her. Others might say you've developed a "loving" act, but you know a street-wise person could see through it immediately.

Let's say that you have had the realization that you are your mother, that you also have been abusive to others, perhaps your own spouse or children. Given your upbringing that's to be expected. However, if you know that you are/have been abusive (perhaps you've created others being abusive to you) and you have not gotten therapy, then it could be said that not finding your brother is your integrity at work. If you haven't healed yourself then the psychic genius in him knows to stay away from you.

Re: "street-wise person." Just what will you do if you discover he is homeless, dying of cancer, about to be paroled, or not as well off financially as you? Did you prosper from your mother's estate? You must allow for all scenarios. To create space to find him you must be willing to master positive support—it's a challenging responsibility. I say positive because you already have mastered supporting him non-verbally. We are always supporting others; often we are unaware that we are enabling or thwarting others. All communications, all emanations, vibrations and thoughts, affect everyone everywhere. Not attending county council meetings unconsciously thwarts those intending to improve our community. Support can be both positive and negative, verbal and non-verbal, local or distance. Read about intention and entanglement as pertains to interpersonal communication.

You don't say what your relationship with your mother was compared with your brother's relationship with her. Possibly you were the "good" child, or maybe you were the more abused one? From his perspective did you sell out and suck up to her and in so doing cause her to be more abusive to him? True or not, it's important to know his perspective. He may harbor unconscious resentment for you for appearing to have turned her against him. Or, he may harbor guilt for turning her against you so that he could survive another day. These are things to consider.

Are you perhaps religious in a self-righteous condescending way that turns others off? Again, he might sense (intuitively know) this and intend to not interact with you, knowing how impossible it would be to communicate with you. He might intuit that you only want to "inform" him so as to fulfill your sense of responsibility, and that you are merely curious (consider him to be a museum object) and have no intention of creating a mutually satisfying positively supportive relationship.

You might also ask yourself what you did to drive him out of your life. It would be valuable for you to acknowledge just what you did/did not do that caused the breakdown in communication within the family? Perhaps you believe that it had absolutely nothing to do with your leadership-communication skills? What did you do, or not do, that has caused him to not even want to interact with you? Getting this will trigger and release a tremendous amount of pain in your heart; at some level you are cause for the missing experience of love. You might have to ask these questions dozens of times because your mind might want to hide the truth from you. The clue that there's some truth in this is your statment, ". . . it explains why my brother lost touch." This blame statement reveals that your explanation is not the truth. "Lost touch" is not a responsible statement. It's an unconscious covert way of denying responsibility. "Drove him out of my life" would be a responsible communication. There's so much more that you have not told us.

Do you honor all agreements? Do you tell the truth, "I'll pick you up at 5:00" or do you frequently find yourself apologizing for being late and for  "forgetting?" If so, he might intuit that you'd be a source of upset for him and therefore psychically remains hidden until you become responsible.

Who else in your life have you driven away? Who would say that he's smart to stay away from you? Do you blame your ex's or do you tell the truth as to how you destroyed other relationships? Do you find yourself passing on uncomplimentary gossip, or badmouthing others? His social circle may have addressed these addictions, therefore he'd find himself uncomfortable just listening to your unconscious innocuous verbal abuses. Possibly you are stuck in mediocrity; could it be, again psychically, that he intuits that your purpose is to survive rather than to serve.  

I absolutely support your stated intention to complete your relationship with your brother. Doing so will support you in being whole and complete in your relationship with all others. It would work for you to seek counseling to get in touch with some well-hidden truths and in completing your relationship with your mother. Counseling/communication coaching will support you in acknowledging some unconscious lies that you have been dragging around. Minimally, counseling will support you in being complete in your relationship with him, it might even create space for him to come back into your life.

To create space do The Clearing Process (it's free and it works). Thank you, Gabby

P.S. Underneath all the considerations he absolutely loves you.

To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 4/2/19)