Recently my husband and I invited the three of them to our home. It was the first time we had met our new sister-in-law and Josh. They both seemed nice, but my husband and I sensed that there was something about the boy we weren't being told.

Last night my husband's mother confided to him that four years ago Josh was caught in the act of molesting and sodomizing his 9-year-old female cousin. He was convicted by juvenile court and sent away for three years.

The next time we saw Josh after learning this information we were at the home of some other relatives. The family had gathered to celebrate an uncle's birthday. During the course of the party, Josh spent time alone with several young cousins of both sexes in the basement playroom.

I told my husband that the other parents in our extended family should be told about Josh's history, but he strongly disagrees. What do you think, Abby? Should I keep my mouth shut, or make sure that the next time Josh attends a family gathering, the parents be forewarned? I'm afraid to let this go, but I will abide by your answer. —WORRIED SICK ON THE EAST COAST

Hi Worried Sick: It's appropriate for you to be concerned. Admirably, it's your integrity.

However, by focusing on Josh's problem you don't have to acknowledge that you are addicted to abuse. You can thank Josh for revealing your addiction to both abuse and to covert sabotage.

I'm referring to the fact that you have mastered talking; using your mind you have yet to learn to communicate from your experience. That is to say, you experienced something during Josh's first visit and you sat on it. Worse yet, you supported your husband sitting on his experience also. It's called suppressing. This pattern is founded upon fear of telling the truth in the moment. Euphemistically it's called being tactful, or polite. In truth, it's being deceitful. You aren't being open and honest with people. It generates badmouthing (conversations behind other's backs) that you don't later verbally share with them.

An actualized woman would have sensed something, from what was said, or not said, by Josh or his parents, no doubt from Josh's non-verbal behavior. A person who operates from integrity can tell when they are in communication with an open, and honest person, or if the person is shut down. Josh is obviously shut down. He's been  made so wrong for his behaviors that he's carrying around suppressed anger (he was unconsciously set up by his parents) and hundreds of thoughts with absolutely no one to share them with. Most importantly, he is carrying around unacknowledged guilt which guarantees more of the undesirable behavior. He'll have to keep dramatizing it until someone on this planet acknowledges him and gets him.

So, this sense, this intuition, during Josh's first visit, was your integrity at work. Within nano-seconds of this first experience your integrity went from "out" to even further out. I say "further out" because you obviously have hundreds of unacknowledged perpetrations—it's clear that this was not the first time you badmouthed another. A second later you were no longer whole and complete in your relationship with Josh. You went from being whole and complete in your relationship with Josh to being incomplete in one communication, a word, a glance, or an uncomfortable silence. And, you stuffed it, rather than say, "Hey Josh," or "Hey everyone, I'm feeling uncomfortable and I don't know what it is. Can you help me get what it's about?" Instead you stuffed your experience and later badmouthed Josh behind his back. This (badmouthing) is called abuse. What would have worked was, "Josh, come out in the kitchen, I'd like you to help me with something. How's thing's going? How's life? Are you into a hobby, sports, girls, or studies?" In other words, the intention to get into communication with a teen is all it takes. Their responses reveal either a serious withhold (characterized by persistent uncomfortableness, one word answers, and a lack of spontaneity with little or no eye contact) or, that they are a normal healthy teen that loves to talk with someone who will listen and not judged them. "Josh is it me, or is it just that you don't have many comfortable conversations with adults? Who do you have that you can say exactly what's on your mind to, no filters or monitoring?"

Can you see that Josh was merely mirroring the communication model of everyone around him? —have a thought and not share it. "H'm, I wonder what it would feel like to play with . . .?" At some point in time his parents turned off his inquisitive spontaneity, they shut him down. And so began the stuffing of certain thoughts. All sex abuse begins with a single thought not shared verbally. I say verbally, because even back then Josh was sharing his withholds non-verbally (his parents were so unconscious they couldn't experience that he was withholding one or more thoughts.  If a person has a safe space to tell the truth they share it. If not they stuff it. Some thoughts gain in mass and definition and in the absence of intellectual stimulation they eventually are manifested.

What I'm most concerned about is your silence when you first discovered that Josh was at the party. This is called covert sabotage. You look good and Josh remains the villain in your drama. An actualized woman would have called Josh over and sat him down and spent as much time as he required to set up the rules of how you and others should relate and communicate with him given his past behaviors. The "celebration" was in fact inappropriate. Everyone's focus should have been on Josh and how to support him. Inappropriate laughing and joking in front of someone who needs first-aid is abuse. What would have worked is for you to have invited everyone to your house the weekend before the party to talk about your concerns. Such a support group would include Josh's parents acknowledging that they had been unconscious and not at all in communication with their son, thereby granting him permission to entertain himself sexually without guidance. It appears that no one sat Josh down and communicated (communicating is different than telling or admonishing) to him, "Masturbating is normal and healthy. Sex play with boys your age is normal, however, sex with young girls or older boys or girls or men is totally banned. And here's all the reasons why." "And Josh, you're normal; all boys have thought's of girls, animals, mayonnaise jars, pornography and such things. And, you need to keep sharing with me all such thoughts. It only turns to unhealthy when you don't share your thoughts. I'll match you, one of your thoughts for one of my childhood thoughts."

You have several problems on your hand. Notice that you empowered his mother in trashing Josh. His mother should have said, "Wait, stop. It doesn't sound like you have talked to Josh about this. Have you told him how you feel?" Also, I'm quite certain that you and your husband are hiding some things from each other, for good reasons. Your husband is equally committed to secrecy. It's not by accident that you brought Josh into your life. Josh is your guru, your mirror. A reminder to heal yourself. Thank you, it's a great topic. —Gabby

To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required).

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 3/1/21)

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