#43 Student
burns candle at both ends risks a burnout / Son mirroring
father's leadership communications
DEAR ABBY: My son is a
college student with an extremely demanding major. I have become
concerned.
Last year he began taking an overload of classes, a large number of
extracurricular activities, and started a part-time job. As a result, he
now feels too stressed to continue school and his grades have dropped.
He is also making errors at work.
He dropped all his extracurricular activities, but his grades have not
improved. Neither has his performance at work. He is now in danger of
failing school and being fired from his job.
What should I do? And what is your advice for my son? Scared Dad in New
Jersey
Dear Dad: The most
important thing is your son's health and peace of mind. Encourage him to
slow down and take an extra year to complete his studies. Even though it
may be more expensive, it will be worth it. Since your son is a student
and has access to a student health center, he should make a point of
getting checked out. Some short term psychological counseling can help
him lower his stress level.
Gabby's Reply
Hi Dad: Two considerations come to
mind. Is he paying for his college or are you? Readers who paid their
own tuition, or who are perhaps loaning their child the tuition, or, are
providing a 50% matching grant to their child can easily get the
significance of this question. It alludes to the fact that
helping creates dependence.
This leads to my second consideration. We just don't know to what degree
he is trying to please you due to an unconscious and powerful pressure
on your part for him to succeed. Your concern is commendable, most
"helicopter" fathers don't reach out for support. However, most parents have total space for their child to learn what he/she
needs to learn, including "fail," if needs be. I sense that
you have an investment in his success. Whatever motivates you is an
unhealthy (stress) attachment.
One thing we know is that you two have not been
in communication with each other; talking yes, communicating no. We know
this because when communication takes place problems disappear.
There is a
breakdown in communication between
you; specifically, there is something he's not telling you or, you have
not been a safe space for him to share what's bothering him. I.e. Do you
have space for him to tell you he's gay, dating another race, masturbates 3x a day or is
attracted to young girls or does he know he'd get a lecture.
I'd recommend that you do
The [free] Clearing Process for Professionals but I don't get that
you're ready to acknowledge your cause for this problem. Do the process
and you'll discover what this
is all about.
I also have a problem with your concern because you are assuming that it
will take some action on his part to succeed in college. You leave out
the possibility that he is failing due to your leadership-communication
skills. Notice I don't say lack of communication leadership skills. The
way one discovers towards what end they are leading another is to look
at the results. Many unconsciously lead their loved ones into
mediocrity, I.e. Wife of overweight couch potato. I say this because you
are not being objective about the
cause. You write: "As a result, he now feels too stressed." We don't
know what the source of the problem is. It could be that he's
experimenting with drugs or relationships, or even religion. I for one thrived on overloads,
extracurricular activities, and a part-time job in college. An objective
person would simply ask him to recall the last time things were going
well—the specific day and date. Then, "What happened?" It appears that
he did have the
routine down pat—studying, taking tests, getting passing grades,
socializing, and
then something happened. It was an incident with a day, time,
place, and probably another person or persons. He might not know
what it is when you first ask him, but with intention a person who is a
safe space for the truth to be told could get to it. If I asked, because I
don't have a history with him, he'd know in a nano-second that I'm
not attached (judgment-wise) to what he says or does.
In any case, you asked for advice. Back off, not just 180° degrees, I
mean take up a new activity or hobby. Get so out of his life (including no
letters that require that he take time to reply) that he calls you
for advice.
You have to intend for him to fail if that's what his
unconscious
intention is.
By getting into communication with him you can get clear
and support what he's up to. If all along he has unconsciously been
masterminding a massive failure and you have been working towards his
success, then you both have been at cross-purposes. Often children
unconsciously fail so as to teach a parent (or society) a lesson.
Communicate to him
clearly:
"I'd like you to agree
to visit the school's mental health counselor and then get a physical exam and let me know the results. If you are
experimenting with drugs please let me know; I can handle it without
offering judgmental advice. After these two requests you have my full
support in taking a recess or dropping
out; do whatever you want. It's absolutely positively OK with
me. Forthwith, I'm directing my energies elsewhere so as disappear the
pressure of my expectations on the both of us. Tell me what you'd like from me and I'll find a way to do it,
even if I have to go to therapy. Can you tell me if you think I have
anything to do with what's been happening? Have you been experiencing
psychic pressure from me?"
If he says, "No it's not
you" then you (alone) do a three-hour
consultation with a
communication-skills coach; at some level he is mirroring your
leadership-communication skills. Within seconds into a consult a coach will be able to
support you in seeing that you have been the cause of your son's recent problem, and,
demonstrate for you a
different communication model, one that will produce different
results. This is how it should be. You need to grow along with him. It
appears you have taken him as far as your present skills allow.
I recommend that you do
The Clearing Process —it's free and
it works. Afterwards, a week of camping and hiking with him would result
in a healthy bonding/clearing. Thanks Gabby