DEAR ABBY: My son is a college student with an extremely demanding major. I have become concerned.

Last year he began taking an overload of classes, a large number of extracurricular activities, and started a part-time job. As a result, he now feels too stressed to continue school and his grades have dropped. He is also making errors at work.

He dropped all his extracurricular activities, but his grades have not improved. Neither has his performance at work. He is now in danger of failing school and being fired from his job.

What should I do? And what is your advice for my son? Scared Dad in New Jersey

Dear Dad: The most important thing is your son’s health and peace of mind. Encourage him to slow down and take an extra year to complete his studies. Even though it may be more expensive, it will be worth it. Since your son is a student and has access to a student health center, he should make a point of getting checked out. Some short term psychological counseling can help him lower his stress level.

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Dad: Two things concern me. Is he paying for his college or are you? Many readers who paid their own tuition, or who are perhaps loaning their child the tuition, or, are providing a 50% matching grant to their child can easily get the significance of this question. Those who had their tuition paid for them or who are now paying their child’s full tuition will find they have absolutely no choice but to argue and justify their position.

This leads to my second consideration. We just don’t know to what degree he is trying to please you due to an unconscious and powerful pressure on your part for him to succeed. Your concern is commendable, however, I am suspect, in part because virtually no fathers are concerned enough to write me. 99.9% have total space for their child to learn what he/she needs to learn, including "fail," if needs be. I sense that you have an investment in his success. Whatever motivates you is an unhealthy (stress) attachment.

A week of camping and hiking with him would result in a healthy bonding.

I also have a problem with your concern because you are assuming that it will take some action on his part to succeed in college. You leave out the possibility that he is failing due to your leadership-communication skills. Notice I don't say lack of communication leadership skills. The way one discovers towards what end they are leading another is to look at the results. Many unconsciously lead their loved ones into mediocrity. I say this because you are not being objective about the cause. You write: “As a result, he now feels too stressed.” We don’t know what the source of the problem is. It could be that he's experimenting with drugs. I for one thrived on overloads, extracurricular activities, and a part-time job in college. An objective person would simple ask him to recall the last time things were going well—the specific day and date. Then, “What happened?” If he had the routine down—studying, taking tests, getting passing grades, socializing, and then stopped, something happened. It was an incident with a day, time, place, and probably another person or persons. Now he might not know what it is when you first ask him, but with intention a person who is a safe space for the truth to be told could get to it. I could because I don’t have a history with him and he’d know in a nano-second that I’m not attached to what he says or does.

In any case, you asked for advice. Back off, not just 180° degrees, I mean take up a new sport or hobby. Get so out of his life that he calls you for advice. You have to intend for him to fail if that’s what his intention is. By getting into communication with him you can get clear and support what he’s up to. If all along he has unconsciously been masterminding a massive failure and you have been working towards his success, then you have been at cross-purposes.

Communicate to him clearly:

“Take a recess or drop out, do whatever you want. It’s absolutely OK with me. I don’t want what’s happening to be about you trying to teach me a lesson. Tell me what you’d like from me and I’ll find a way to do it, even if I have to go to therapy. Can you tell me if you think I have anything to do with what’s been happening? Have you been experiencing psychic pressure from me?”

If he says, “No it’s not you” then you (alone) do a three-hour consultation with a communication-skills coach; at some level he is mirroring your leadership skills. Within seconds into a communication consultation a coach will be able to support you in seeing that you have been the cause of your son’s recent problem, and, demonstrate for you a different communication model, one that will produce different results. This is how it should be. You need to grow along with him. It appears you have taken him as far as your present skills allow. Thanks Gabby

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