#38 Wife is attracted to wrong husband / What will it cost me to tell the
truth? |
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with "Joyce and Dave" for many years. Our children are the same ages and go to school together. We have always enjoyed each other's company. I find myself increasingly attracted to Dave, and I think the feeling is
mutual. I have great strength of character, as I believe Dave does, but
spending time with him is becoming difficult. [ top ]
|
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Carla: Let's go back to the very first moment (day, date, time, location) you looked at Dave experientially, in a sexual way. I know you know what I mean. You were going along looking at him as a married man and as a person and then, oops, you looked at him and something stirred within, perhaps only a fleeting poorly defined fantasy. This is normal and healthy, it happens when one opts to allow themselves to experience another—when one stops interacting with their mind and takes what comes up. This is also tricky because if one opens oneself to another, through a series of mutually satisfying communications, love "happens." Love is a function of communication. As you've seen you can create emotional attraction through talking (as opposed to communication) but it can't be sustained, especially using the communication model that you, your husband, and friends use. To create, sustain, and expand upon the experience of love in all relationships requires impeccable integrity. "Strength"? Yes. "Character"? H'm. We must use different dictionaries. At the first thought/experience of attraction towards another is when a person of character, an honest person, tells their spouse. Such a couple knows that thoughts suppressed sometimes grow and are even acted upon, so both support each other in clearing the mind of the day's thoughts. A clearing creates space for each to share his/her withholds. I assure you your husband can match (in kind) the number of thoughts you have been withholding from him. What you call "character" is a mind that has designed a deceitful communication system, mostly nonverbal and psychic, that communicates volumes, all boldly in front of each other's spouses. Re: "Dave and I do not speak to each other in any way other than with respect and humor . . ." This is called denial. A conscious person observing you and Dave interacting would immediately experience the vibes between you two. Communication includes non-verbal and psychic emanations. That is to say, your husband knows, he just doesn't know he knows; he's both unconscious and in denial. Re: ". . . feel as though I'm
playing with fire." This is more denial. Your use of the word "feel"
avoids telling it like it is; i.e. "I know I have been deceitful and that the
truth will trigger upset and more." Another BTW: The fact that you are withholding thoughts from your
spouse reveals that he is withholding an equal (yes equal)
number of thoughts from
you. Withholders attract withholders (zero exceptions to this
phenomenon) Notice that your husband
and friend's wife are unconscious; they have been having a relationship
with someone (you) whom they don't totally know. You hide a part of who
you are from both. Both honestly believe that they are in-communication
with you yet we know that it's an act, that your mind is racing a mile a
minute with thoughts you hide from each. 1) Formulate the intention to be supported in communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero significant withholds from your spouse. 2) Find yourself a communication-skills coach who will guide you thought the conversations it will take to restore your integrity. Your mind is so clouded (occupied with thoughts, withholds and perpetrations) that you cannot see what direction you are heading. It's virtually impossible to communicate appropriately when one isn't clear about his/her intentions. Any communications that will come from your mind now will only generate more of a mess. Therefore I recommend that you use The [free] Clearing Process (it's one of four free communication processes in support of communication mastery) located at The Clearing House. Do the process and you will have some space to see things more clearly. Telling the truth to everyone will create even more space for you to become clear about your intentions. You can also continue operating from your decision to withhold, trying to make life work using the mind that created this mess, in which case it will begin to cost you your aliveness, possibly your health; you'll begin noticing your children are mirroring your deceptiveness. My sense is that they have already started withholding their thoughts of choice from you and your husband, which will create even more breakdowns in communication. Great letter, thanks, —Gabby P.S. When "victims" (your husband and your friend's wife), awake, usually after their own divorce, they acknowledge that they knew all along. Both are presently stuck in their stupid (I didn't know) acts (read Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating).
Comment Box is loading comments...
To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required). Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 1/21/21) [ top ]
|
If you liked this letter please press the "I like" voting button. Upon pressing the button you'll be taken directly to the index of more New Letters. |