DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with "Joyce and Dave" for many years. Our children are the same ages and go to school together. We have always enjoyed each other's company.

I find myself increasingly attracted to Dave, and I think the feeling is mutual. I have great strength of character, as I believe Dave does, but spending time with him is becoming difficult.

Dave and I do not speak to each other in any way other than with respect and humor—but there's an underlying sexual tension I can't ignore.

I don't want to spoil our families' shared times together but I feel I am playing with fire. What should I do? —CARLA IN PHOENIX

DEAR CARLA: People who play with fire usually get burned. It's a time to take an honest look at your marriage and figure out what's missing. It's also time to enlarge your circle of friends and cut back on the time you have available for Joyce and Dave. Please don't put it off. —ABBY

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Carla: Let's go back to the very first moment (day, date, time, location) you looked at Dave experientially, in a sexual way. I know you know what I mean. You were going along looking at him as a married man and as a person and then, oops, you looked at him and something stirred within, perhaps only a fleeting poorly defined fantasy. This is normal and healthy, it happens when one opts to allow themselves to experience another—when one stops interacting with their mind and takes what comes up. This is also tricky because if one opens oneself to another, through a series of mutually satisfying communications, love "happens." Love is a function of communication. As you've seen you can create emotional attraction through talking (as opposed to communication) but it can't be sustained, especially using the communication model that you, your husband, and friends use. To create, sustain, and expand upon the experience of love in all relationships requires impeccable integrity.

"Strength"? Yes. "Character"? H'm. We must use different dictionaries. At the first thought/experience of attraction towards another is when a person of character, an honest person, tells their spouse. Such a couple knows that thoughts suppressed sometimes grow and are even acted upon, so both support each other in clearing the mind of the day's thoughts. A clearing creates space for each to share his/her withholds.  I assure you your husband can match (in kind) the number of thoughts you have been withholding from him. What you call "character" is a mind that has designed a deceitful communication system, mostly nonverbal and psychic, that communicates volumes, all boldly in front of each other's spouses.

Re: "Dave and I do not speak to each other in any way other than with respect and humor . . ." This is called denial. A conscious person observing you and Dave interacting would immediately experience the vibes between you two. Communication includes non-verbal and psychic emanations. That is to say, your husband knows, he just doesn't know he knows; he's both unconscious and in denial.

Re: ". . . feel as though I'm playing with fire." This is more denial. Your use of the word "feel" avoids telling it like it is; i.e. "I know I have been deceitful and that the truth will trigger upset and more."

At this moment we don't know what your intentions are. You say you want advice that will stop the thoughts that have taken over your mind, however, your letter could also be an unconscious ruse, merely another step in your drama towards divorce, breaking up (via psychic emanations) his marriage and marrying him. We'll know in 10 years what you're up to today by looking at the results. You might ask why can't we trust your mind to know what it wants and to be telling the truth now? It's because you have yet to commit to communicating openly and honestly and spontaneously—zero significant withholds, with your husband. That is to say, you can't yet be trusted to know or tell him the truth. The mind that deceives, withholds thoughts from, ones spouse also deceives itself. The object of your affection supports you in deceiving his wife and your husband for his own gratification, coveting his friend's wife; it's not an admirable "character" trait. Once you come clean you'll see the amount of abuse (as indicated by everyone's hurt and pain) you have been inflicting on those whom you have held in contempt, those from whom you have withheld thoughts, as though they aren't capable or big enough to get the truth.

As of this reply you are virtually back at the beginning when you began dating your husband. Now you must consciously decide what communication model you and your husband will be using. If you are afraid he would run away from you if you insisted upon ". . . zero significant thoughts withheld," or, if you have/had skeletons that you would not have wanted to share with him back then, then you will have to complete this relationship in its present form and recreate another as loving supportive exes.