#26 Separated lover hides relationship from his family /
Should I keep rewarding his deceit?
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my early 40s, and I been involved with "Rick" for so many years I have lost count. He has been separated from his wife since before I met him, but he has not divorced her. Rick is at my place all the time except when he sees his son. Neither his son nor any of his family knows about me. His mother died recently, and it hurt not to accompany him to her funeral. But of course, I couldn't attend because his family would find out he has a girl friend.
Sometimes Rick has different days off work than I do. I don't know what he does on those days, but I've heard that he sees other women. I know for a fact that he keeps in touch with his former girl friend.
Rick thinks I'm content with the status quo, but I feel my life is one big lie. I'm tired of being nothing more than a convenience; however, I've been with him so long, I don't know how to move on. Abby, please tell me how to get on with my life, sans Rick, without hurting his feelings. Sign me... TIRED OF THE STATUS QUO
DEAR TIRED: Why should you be concerned about hurting Rick's feelings? He has no qualms about hurting yours by denying your existence to his family and friends. Face the fact that Rick has no intention of making a commitment. If he did, he would be divorced and dating you openly.
Since you are no longer content to be hidden, summon the courage to leave, and give yourself the opportunity to meet a man who will make a commitment to you. You may suffer for a while, but time is a great healer, and when you find your Prince Charming, you will be glad you cut Rick out of your life. Trust me. —ABBY
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Hi Tired: You can't get there from here. It hasn't cost you enough yet. Your letter is merely part of your drama. You need to choose to experience the pain of completing the relationship in order to be complete. Therapy and communication coaching will accelerate you through the grieving process. It's best to have another path to pursue before leaving this one.
Also, acknowledge that you have been running your victim act on men and lying about it. Your ethics have determined his ethics because you have been committed to deceit. It's virtually impossible for anyone to maintain their integrity hanging around you. They must lie and deceive to keep you. You have become addicted to the drama of being incomplete. An honest man, an honest relationship, would bore you, you're mind wouldn't get its daily fix of worry.
You are cause in the deceit between Rick and his parents. The deceit couldn't take place without your presence. You are party to deceit with whomever told you about his alleged affairs. Worse yet, you are making something more important than asking him directly. So you support him, cause him, to continue deceiving you. You've deceived him into thinking you have been happy with the status quo. Do you see what I mean, Tired? You are the source of the deceit.
When you handle whatever it is that keeps you from deserving to be treated with respect, and commanding it by your very ground-of-being, then others will have no choice but to be truthful and committed to what you're up to (it's an incomplete with your parents). Up till now you have lied, about you and he not being aligned with each other's commitment. You have been aligned, both of you have been committed to deceiving and being deceived. He had to be committed to deceit in order for you to get to this point, specifically, to learn how to communicate responsibly, to give up blaming others.
I don't believe you're protecting "his feelings," you might just find out you're resisting (fearing) experiencing the pain of aloneness. Thank you, Gabby
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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 11/28/12)