Thinking of Adopting? . . . an orphan's tips about adopting

If you and your partner (including same-sex couples) are thinking of adopting a child then this 83-yr-old orphan recommends that you allow the following considerations to enter your mind. Not to worry, any BS can easily be composted.

My creds: I consider myself to be extremely fortunate to have been put up for adoption during my first year, and again at age seven—back to the orphanage—and, the subsequent moves in and out of two foster homes, three boys schools, and three high schools, up through age 18. My fortune began when my drug and alcohol-free mother lovingly gave me up for adoption; among her reasons, she already had eight children and no husband. Another part of my good fortune was that both new parents were female Registered Nurses. Most would agree that I'm still a spoiled brat, what with two loving women committed to healing and service fussing over whose turn it was to change my diapers; as you continue reading you'll see that I do have a few considerations about same-sex couples and adoption.*

The even more fortunate aspect of my moving life (pun intended) is that time and again I've seen what happens to children who were forced to stay with dysfunctional parents, parents who were out-integrity from the very beginning; most of those children are now parents raising their own children using the same adversarial communication model taught to education majors nation-wide by all university Speech-Communication professors. I recall being shocked to hear the way teens talked about, or talked back to, or deceived their parents; they appeared to have no sense of appreciation and respect. Withholding certain thoughts from parents was/is the norm.

 

The correlation between integrity and outcomes just isn't taught to teens.

For example: For generations parents have been unconsciously teaching their children to deceive them, to withhold certain thoughts. The vast majority of parents, though they espouse truth-telling and honesty, unconsciously teach their children to deceive them and others. I refer to the fact that most all dating teens con each other into having sex behind the backs of both sets of parents; worse, abusively ignorantly blaming each other when the marriage, founded upon deceit, is terminated.

I'm under no illusion that these tips will change anyone's mind about adopting a child. These considerations are about me feeling good about having shared my experiences. Suffice to say, my childhood, education, and military experiences, prompted me to study the subject of interpersonal communication, eventually to be a leadership-relationship communication-skills coach.

 

Note: It wasn't until I was 32-years-old, after all the above mentioned experiences, with counselors, social workers, headmasters, and some of the world's finest military leaders—and with a B.A. and an M.A. in speech-communication, and a marriage and divorce—did I have my first experience of being in-communication with anyone. It was during Werner Erhard's est Training. Wow! What an eye opener. I had been sleeping up until then and, like everyone I had ever interacted with, I didn't know it.

It's recommended that you and your partner read a tip and discuss it before reading the next tip, otherwise, you might still be reacting to something from the first tip thereby not able to be with the next tip; in other words, some thoughts here might trigger upset.

First tip: If not a communication-skills coach find yourself an orphan. I advise you to develop a mutually satisfying supportive relationship with an adult orphan. Why? Because if you give permission to an adult orphan to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with you—no significant thoughts withheld (request their feedback about how you come across) you will discover the behaviors that will eventually cause a breakdown in communication between you and your partner and eventually you and your adopted child. Notice I used the assertive word, "eventually" and the word, "will" twice—I didn't even soften the predictions with maybe or possibly. Such arrogance—yes? Any resistance on your part to reading these tips mirrors your own arrogance begging to be humbled; it's about being willing to allow another to make a significant contribution to you. Eventually your adopted child will attempt to support you, usually it's about some health issue; you need to learn how to both elicit and accept support. If you're not committed to integrity your child will simply give up on you (as in, "It's hopeless"), you will lose some of your child's respect.

Four Tests:

1) Are you withholding a significant thought from your partner? If so do The [free] Clearing Process.
2) Do you respect and admire the way your partner treats his/her parents?
3) Do you respect, admire and support your partner's profession?*

4) Think of something you don't respect about your father, your mother. Have you communicated these thoughts about them, to them, verbally?

* The assumption being, that you have effectively supported your partner in having a career (a proven ability to earn their own money) so they aren't forced to stay with you if/when you become controlling and stop verbally acknowledging each and every abusive communication—if, through your leadership-communication skills, you have manipulated them to be totally dependent upon you for survival.

 

Most married couples are addicted (yes addicted) to unconsciously intending put-downs and condescensions (zingers and make-wrongs often masked as humor); the "victim," using his/her leadership communication skills, sets it up to be verbally/non-verbally abused. If you don't know you're being abusive you will eventually drive your partner away, often into the arms of another. There are no "victims" of spousal abuse, merely co-creators. Most often one partner, in complete denial of his/her non-verbal skills, is blaming the other for being more abusive. For every action there is an opposite and equally powerful (no more-no less) reaction; this applies to verbal, non-verbal, physical, and psychic communications. Once an automatic unconscious abusive behavior is verbally acknowledged you begin to have a choice.

Second tip: Keep in mind that an orphan can experience when a relationship is out-integrity, when partners are withholding thoughts from each other, when they are pretending to be open and honest with each other, when in fact they are both unconsciously masterminding a divorce. When a child experiences abusive communications (verbal, non-verbal, physical, or psychic) it causes uncertainty and fear (unless, each and every abusive interaction is verbally acknowledged. i.e. "I get that that didn't feel good." or, "That doesn't feel good?"). All divorces began with the first incident that was not cleaned up through to mutual satisfaction. That incident is referred to as an incomplete. An orphan always has in his/her mind exactly when the relationship began its downward spiral, so, a good test is to ask your child, "How are your mother and I doing? Are we treating each other nicely? What would you change about me?" I've noticed during consultations that often the first unresolved incident (usually a stuffed make-wrong) was when they were dating. i.e. Rude to a waiter, bad-mouthed their own parent, didn't acknowledge they were late for a date, and the biggie, they abusively trash-talked a former relationship partner—all the incompletes were silently condoned.

Third tip: You both must have open, honest, and spontaneous communication with your own parents (zero withholds); it must be a mutually satisfying supportive relationship else, no matter your resolve, you'll be teaching your child how to communicate as you did/do with your parents. You will unconsciously teach your child to treat you as you do your parents. The responsible alternative is to estrange yourself from your family/abusive relationships; submitting a loved one to the machinations of your dysfunctional family is not a gift of love.

Fourth tip: You must have in mind that your adoptee is yours for life, even if you drive your partner out of your life. Why? Because an orphan can intuit when something is out within any relationship. They can tell when you are unconsciously masterminding a separation/divorce. Children, especially babies, are integrity meters; some orphans even develop psychic-like abilities. Children misbehave, fail, or even get sick when they experience a breakdown in communication within the family. If it's not addressed and resolved they will do whatever it takes to restore the experience of love that once was. Eventually a child will bring in teachers and social workers, even the police, so abusively disturbing are the vibrations of parents out-of-communication with each other.

The above paragraph is important enough for me to reword it. Asking you, at your age, to honor an adoption agreement is possibly asking too much. The level of integrity it takes to be a successful adopter is comparable to living in a monastery; you just can't continue operating with your high school level of integrity. The fifty-percent divorce-rate reveals that most couples can't even be trusted to honor the vow, ". . . till death do us part . . .".  You simply don't know how bad things can/will get. You're considering making an agreement to enjoy a child's loving rewarding wonderful creations and/or, the possible sociopathic, maniacal suicidal/homicidal behaviors. Such behaviors challenge even birth parents many of whom are conflicted about putting up with everything, even jail visits. One doesn't even know for certain what genes/DNA a foster child possesses that predetermines aberrant behaviors/illnesses. A child from a mother who didn't eat healthy, who did drugs during pregnancy, requires adopters with undergraduate degrees, preferably nursing/counseling/therapy skills and a large supportive extended family; after reading this you won't be able to say you didn't know. What you call love won't heal a damaged child; trying to change anyone, especially a chemically damaged child, is not love; at best, you can be there for him/her. Test: Can you envision that (due to drugs) your adoptee was born with a mental condition, that he/she will start fires in your house and hurt your existing child? Will you keep him/her? I suspect that your adoptee knows the answer—which will determine his/her testing behaviors.

 

Fifth tip: An adopted child will mirror your integrity. If they intuit that you will eventually give up on them they will manipulate you into quitting on them so as to be right, that they knew all along you wouldn't hang in there when things got really tough. An orphan's mind remembers that once before someone did give up on them; what's worse, is that they have no recollection of what they did wrong. That is to say, it could happen again anytime for no apparent reason; no matter your words of reassurance, they can tell when you're lying, to yourself and them. Test: Do The [free] Clearing Process —it will reveal what your adoptee will experience about your integrity.

We're not even talking about the usual circumstances that test ones commitment to living from integrity. The possible variables are, job loss, physical abuse, threat of loss of shelter, hunger, severe sickness, physical/mental problems, infidelity, and out-right illegal activities by a partner. Can you envision carrying on even if your partner divorces you, or dies, or ends up in jail? When one marries they can't begin to imagine that cheating will take place, such is their ignorance and arrogance. Read Creating a marriage wedding vow that precludes cheating. A significant number of spouses put up with invalidating condescending abuse because of fear of no place to go; thereby submitting their child to more abuse, forcing the child to be an unconscious unwilling enabler. It teaches a child to put up with abuse which causes disrespect. Worse, it invalidates a child's ability to have a positive effect on others.

Sixth tip: You and your partner need to have professions to fall back on if and when needed. Not "about to have" or "plan to have" but both have had one or two years of self-sufficiency, without the other's financial help, in taking complete care of oneself. If you have in mind that you can count on welfare, food stamps or the help of others (the option to run a con on others to help you) it will ensure that you eventually fail. Manipulating another to pay you money/alimony is not something you want to teach a child.

Here are several required readings (more tips) for anyone considering adopting a child. If you have questions/comment Ask Dear Gabby (free registration required, alias OK)

Shall we adopt a local child?

What can an orphan see that most others can't?

Considerations about adopting another's child.

* Same-sex adopters and the principles of yin-yang.

Orphanages—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

Last edited 4/21/21