Relationship

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gregorys90
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 6:09 pm

Relationship

Postby gregorys90 » Tue Dec 27, 2011 5:34 am

Dear Kerry,

My girlfriend has acknowledged that she herself could be happier. Personal self-esteem, self-image, family and friendships are involved in her current condition. I have so far been unable to largely inspire herself. I've tried to reference myself and what makes me feel good when we talk about how she feels. What our relationship has led up to right now is that she is asking me what to do for herself. I am committed to having a 'power source relationship' She loves me very much and wants to get back into, I'll just say 'the swing of things'. My love is also still there. What I see for most as a barrier to the experience of affection however is this imbalance of self esteems and the tools necessary to maintain them. I know this not an overnight fix, yet we are now physically together as opposed to video conferencing. What method is going to be fair for the both of us?

Thank you, Sean

gregorys90
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 6:09 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby gregorys90 » Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:02 am

I replied to your 27 Dec 2011 05:34 am post first.

Green font indicates confusing nonessential fluff.

With further contemplation, I came across the two paragraphs that are expected of someone who says they are abusive. With respect, this website has a language to it that many are not used to reading. I know it can be read as critical and harsher than some want to hear. Those people read the first sentence and quit. This website is only for those intent on completing their experiecne of abusing and being abused.

You should have prefaced this sentence with "I think" Abuse is commonly only reserved for something physically blatant. This is your mind's stuff, others disagree. All minor instances such as 'silence and creating space for abuse' i know people (some people not all) are more reluctant to acknowledge. This comes across as a self-righteous lecture, as though you have forgotten who you're talking with. What I'm saying is even though she might be compliant, (willing) I feel its unethical to give her that writing (what writing?) without a foundation of why it was given. Yes, it further reveals that you want to change her and it would not feel good. It further reveals that you are unware that you are the cause of the abuse between you. She would need to know the definition of abuse, and is it then also unethical to suggest ("Suggest" no. "Let her know you've gotten value and then drop it — unless she has specifically asked for support) she register and read about the definition,the spouse abuse tutorial and other anecdotes? You don't have permission nor the skills to support another in completing his/her experience of abuse.
She must seek out help once she has destroyed enough relationships—not to do it for you so you'll stay with her. She will intend that it doesn't work. You're back at the beginning, the fork in the road, in which you now get choose not to relate with someone addicted to abuse.

Sincerely, Sean

Because you have acknowledged that there is abuse in your relationship with her**, please don't reply or post on the Message Board again until you can say you have not interacted with her for six months in a row. I need to know that I'm not enabling you in creating abuse.

Kerry

** Except that you both immediately acknowledge all abuses. i.e. You: "I get that that was abusive of me." or, You: "That, didn't feel good." Her: "Yes I get that it didn't feel good."

P.S. In the future please don't post again until you've receive a reply.

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Kerry
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2002 8:01 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby Kerry » Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:30 pm

Hi Sean,

In reply to your 27 Dec 2011 05:34 am post.

My knee-jerk reply: “Been there done that and, we split amicably.” There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with someone as you each discover what you both want—your respective purposes in life aside from survival—a mutual agreement to use each other to become clear and grow.

If you were starting over, but knew her as you do now, would you have gone on a second date? It’s a hypothetical question but it might shed some light. You say “love” yet you want to fix her, to change her. That ain’t love. She doesn’t even love herself how can you love her? Do you experience the joy and ecstasy (tears) of love when you’re with her? It’s perfectly ok to love someone conceptually and not have them as your primary relationship.

I’m more concerned about your apparent addiction to choosing a woman who is not whole and complete, one who needs fixing, someone who has yet to learn how to be happy by/with her self. Don’t get me wrong; keep dating her, and in the meantime practice communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero thoughts withheld.

Clearly you are not getting her considerations when you clear her, because she still has them. And, clearly she doesn’t communicate them to disappear them. What’s missing from both of you is the intention to communicate so as to be whole and complete. Have you done the couple’s clearing process with her? If yes, keep doing it (abstain from sex) until you get to the source of her unhappiness. One pitfall with trying to help her is that it reveals that it’s you who are hiding something from her. You focus on her unhappiness as a reason to not have to handle your own stuff. Each day you have a choice to be happy or to have the same problem day after day. No one can be happy around you until you choose, throughout each day, to be happy, especially choosing to be with other happy people.

Have you ever dated (for long) a woman who was whole and complete, your equal?

Re: Her asking you what to do smacks of you setting it up to be her father. Helping creates dependency; unbeknownst to you she has revealed that you are an enabler.

The problem reveals that neither of you have created/discovered your purposes in life. A person on purpose simply doesn’t have time to worry about self-image or worry about another’s self-image. For a power source relationship work you both must admire and respect each other’s profession and both must experience the synergy (1 + 1 = 3) that comes from the mutual support.

Can you recall a time, after you started conversations with me, in which you both were very happy? If yes, then possibly you are experiencing the consequences of not acknowledging me and others.* When you have an interaction with someone and it works, it produces positive results, what works is to acknowledge the source. It could be that you’ve taken on my role with her instead of letting her know that I’ve been supporting you. It’s referred to as taking the goodies and running, pretending that you are the source. For me I acknowledge Werner Erhard and L. Ron Hubbard. Notice that she has not made a donation to ComCom in profound appreciation for her relationship with you.

* I say “others” because when you get your life and relationships working you must share it with others else you lose it. Sharing it could be simply donating so as to empower me to keep doing what I do. For example: What works for Mormons is they commit 2 years to missionary work, the coms it takes to enroll others (such as turning on another to ComCom's support) keeps them from generating your kinds of thoughts. Service serves. Read about communication breakdowns.

Most importantly, notice that she has not sought outside support such as you did with me. She has yet to formulate an intention to be whole and complete. One brings their happiness into a relationship, not try to find happiness through another relationship. One's relationship with oneself is the key.

Re: “Personal self-esteem” and “self-image.” These are pop culture words that, for her, represent a specific dissatisfaction. In other words, they are generalizations. All we know is that she hasn’t gotten to the truth of what this is about. When the truth is told the problem disappears. It looks to me as though she controls you, remaining incomplete so as to entertain you, to keep you around. In her mind she honestly believes that if she were with or doing something else (the right thing) she’d be happy. It’s unethical of her to be dumping stuff in your space, stuff she’s unwilling to address professionally. Friends use each other to clear, not to have the same problem the next day. It invalidates you for her to supposedly clear with you and you not produce the outcome you both say you want. There are undesirable consequences for consistently dumping energy-sapping considerations in another’s space. Remember, considerations cover up the truth of what she is unhappy about. For certain she is incomplete with her parents.

Lastly, you can’t all of a sudden learn how to inspire her. You don’t, and that’s your problem.

Lest you feel badly, you’re doing fine. You’re learning what you’re supposed to be learning and life is working as it does.

Please print out our Message Board coms, not your clearings, and show them to her. else it's talking behind her back.

Kerry

gregorys90
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 6:09 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby gregorys90 » Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:38 am

Hi Kerry,

Thank you for your reply. She has read this com. We have done clearings in person, and via skype. We acknowledge our abuses to each other. I acknowledge I am the cause of abuse.

I tried to uncover our first incomplete, and I've acknowledged it and apologized that to her. It was I was enabling her in moving further into a relationship I wasn't ready for. I was ok with someone loving me without giving it completely in return. I told her that was evil of me. I've felt unconsciously guilty until then. She gets that and said thank you. I know she is a great person, she has shown me that. However, her incompleteness with herself is going to be however conscious or unconscious still. She has said to me that she would like to visit a psychologist and attend meditation meetings in a Buddhist center. She is choosing to help herself. How do I know though that it is for herself instead of to stay with me? Previously after she asked for advise, I suggested professional help. She was against it for some time and later I acknowledged without professional help I can not stand by and watch you hurt yourself. So here we are with our truths revealed. I get great value from you Kerry and I want you to feel validated. I've acknowledged who you were and this website. She knew the clearing came from here and she has agreed to read a few of the writings on here as well. I had acknowledged you. Others alongside you are a book called, the Buddha Said-Osho, A Zen Buddhism Roshi from New Jersey, a Tibetan Monk in Charleston, SC. Professor Hammill from Burlington County College. Tony from BCC. The book , the celestine prophecy. Johnson's Farm in Opihikao, and also from my time with many people from Puna.

Thank you, Sean

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Kerry
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2002 8:01 pm

Re: Relationship

Postby Kerry » Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:40 am

Hi Sean,

Re: “I tried to uncover our first incomplete,” You either did or didn’t. That you didn’t catch your use of the word "tried” reveals that you were unconscious and out-integrity when you wrote that sentence.*

Re: “I told her that was evil of me.” I don’t know where you got that unconscious withholding is evil. It’s neither bad nor your fault that you aren’t experiencing love with her or that she isn’t experiencing happiness with you.

Re: “However, her incompleteness with herself is going to be however conscious or unconscious still.” This sentence doesn’t make sense. It reads as though you were smoking pakalolo. Remember, her “incompleteness” mirrors yours. She cannot be happy nor complete as long as she hangs out with you. If you ask her what will make her happy, what would be the perfect scenario in which she knows with certainty that she would be happy—you'd have your answer. I suspect it's "I don't know." What we’re looking at is your barrier to happiness. Hanging out with someone addicted to being unhappy and incomplete keeps you incomplete.

Re: “. . . she would like to visit a psychologist and attend meditation meetings in a Buddhist center.” The key word is “like.” This is a hook she uses to keep you hanging out in hope. A person intent on being happy would be happy and (already) participating in what support happiness. She would have self-help books from the library all around the house; she’d be recommending websites she found of value to you. Her asking for advice was another set up. We know because she didn’t immediately act upon your "professional help" suggestion. i.e. Her: "My brakes aren't working, what do you recommend?" You: "Take it to a mechanic immediately, else you could kill us both." Her: "I'll think about it."

Re: “How do I know though that it is for herself instead of to stay with me?” You can’t because it isn’t. We have no idea what she’d do if you recessed her. It’s like an overweight person going on a diet just to attract a partner. Once married, or if the partner dies, then they have no reason for staying slim. There’s no doubt that her meeting you has accelerated her path to enlightenment, however she can never catch up with you. You chose an incomplete woman rather than one who is whole and complete; ergo, you have something to focus on, someone to fix/change, so that you don’t have to heal yourself. If your dad told you that she's not for you would you listen? I suspect no.

You haven't mention anything about her relationship with her parents however nothing can work for her until she cleans up those relationships. That you haven't supported her in doing so (as a priority) says that you've read my stuff but you have a barrier to getting it.

Re: ". . . later I acknowledged without professional help I can not stand by and watch you hurt yourself.” This reveals your lie. You didn’t mean it and she intuited that you didn’t mean it. What's missing is respect. I suggest and you follow through. I get your respect.

Re: “So here we are with our truths revealed.” This is a lie. "So here I am with my position that causes her to be stuck" would be the truth. The truth, when told, frees and disappears the barriers to love and happiness. You haven’t gotten to the truth and so she can’t either.

Re: “I get great value from you Kerry.” I don’t get this. What I get is that you read my stuff and feel good afterwards, but you don’t get it. I’m not about more of the same. For you to be still having relationship problems makes me an enabler. It appears that you’re looking for a therapist, one who will support you in having the exact same problem day after day, session after session. You are have the same problem that school superintendents have, addicted to operating in a condition called, "things are getting better." The SAT scores are improving," always getting better but never, "everything is fixed, I /we achived our goal." Read Conspiracy for Mediocrity This is the kind of stuff we should be concerned with.

She knew the clearing came from here and she has agreed to read a few of the writings on here as well.” “Has agreed” and “knew it came from here” but the fact is she didn’t pick up on your support; when you first mentioned The Clearing Process she didn’t ask, “What’s the URL?” Had you written, “She has read . . ." then I’d know she was intent on getting to the source of her less-than-satisfaction. As it is you have no intention for her to heal; instead you’re simply playing with her for your own gratification. This is not bad as long as you both stop lying saying you want to heal. “I’m using you until someone who is already whole and complete comes along.” Or for her, it would be, “I’m using you until I find someone who makes me happy.” —then you both could stop trying to help and change each other. When a fellow swimmer tries to help a drowning friend most often both drown. If you loved her you'd recess her so that she'd be forced to get help from a professional, a life guard, or to flounder until the circumstances forced her to live or die. All we know now it that your leadership-communication skills keep you both stuck in hope, in the illusion that things are getting better.

Notice that you didn’t answer my question? “Can you recall a time, after you started conversations with me, in which you both were very happy?” You appear to have ignored that entire paragraph. This reveals that you are unconscious and out-integrity.

*Please do five clearings one per day for five days in a row before you post here again.

Again, please show her our coms.

With aloha,

Kerry


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