Hi mjmj6: n n To disappear something you must first be willing to have created it, to have intended it. The problem is not your daughter. It’s you. Not you and your husband, solely you. You have trained your daughter to be abusive, inconsiderate, a user, manipulative, a saboteur, and a blackmailer. She is in fact mirroring you. You taught her to act this way. She is communicating her disrespect of you. How can one respect someone whom they can con and manipulate? What you call communication ain’t it. You’ve mastered talking, which produces more of the same less than desirable results. You are addicted to abuse and drama. Until you heal you no one around you can heal. Just your very nonverbal emanations give others no choice but to react as they do. You’ve mastered leadership but the way in which you lead doesn’t work for you or others. n n You are also unconscious. That is, you can’t tell when you are lying. For example: “She has not seemed truly happy or peaceful since.” A conscious person would have written (or at least back-spaced and corrected) “She has not been happy or peaceful since.” You are in denial.n n Re: “We have told her that unless she is willing to go with our home rules, she will unfortunately have to move out.” “Told,” yes, but not communicated. What gets communicated is, “I have had no intention of kicking you out?” You have trained her to know that you don’t always mean what you say—that you lie. n n Your resistance to experiencing all that you’d have to be willing to experience—the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the doubt, the guilt, the grief, that would come from having her move out until she has completed 25 hours of therapy/counseling, keeps her from experiencing all that she needs to experience so as to complete her childhood.n n Notice that your “fairly relaxed atmosphere” (read no clear mutually agreed upon co-created agreements to include consequences), produces this condition. Non-authoritarianism is a good idea, but it’s inconsistent with human behavior at this stage of our evolution. The problem escalated beginning with the first perpetration having gone unconsequenced which begot all perps since then. She has lost respect of you and of herself. n n On cable there is a great series, The Dog Whisperer. View it if possible. The essence of it is that 99% of all undesirable dog behavior comes from owners being unwilling to be the pack leader. Dogs and children need a pack leader. The alpha male grabs the miscreant by the throat until he/she submits to authority. Nothing that bothers the alpha male is allowed to pass without consequences. Your family is missing a parent, an alpha male.n n Notice that you have trained your two other children and your husband to thwart and sabotage you. No matter what you think/believe, they have a vested interest in Marie being the object of your attentions; they intuitively know that if it weren’t for Marie, you’d shift the drama to each of them—that you'd see that they need as much counseling as she does. They have tremendous resistance to seeing that they are intending (however unconscious it may be) Marie to act this way. It’s called “not accepting responsibility for the results of one’s communication model.” How your husband communicates, his leadership-communication model, rewards and empowers Marie to thwart you. That indicates a considerable amount of covert anger and hostility on his part. It started as nonverbalized acknowledgments (withholds) and perpetrations on your part. He now has no choice but to mirror you. His lack of commitment to life, to aliveness, is being dramatized by Marie.n n It could be said that Marie is acting this way so as to call attention to someone, now others outside the family, that you and your husband are no longer in communication with each other. She knows, has a memory of, what it was like back when there was an experience of love in the household. You and your husband have lapsed into what’s referred to as an “ imitation of communication
.” Problems persist when there’s a lie in the space. When the truth is told the problem disappears. There’s a lie going on between you and your husband. Marie can see it. It repulses her, drives her crazy.n n Re: “When we have confronted 'Marie'” and “We have tried numerous times to talk” are examples of why your children have no choice but to mirror your irresponsibility. A responsible person would have written, “When I
have confronted 'Marie'” Further, "What have you decided?" was not answered....” would have been written, “I don’t know how to get Marie to communicate with me, to answer my questions.” Instead you come from blame, as though she’s the one with the communication problem. Communication coaching will support you in knowing how to create space for communication to take place.n n I’m concerned by your use of the word, “spiritual.” If you’re referring to the fact that you’re a church member/attend church, then it’s clear that your belief system isn’t working. If you are a church member and, say, a Christian, then you have thwarted (sabotaged) your pastor by not allowing him/her to counsel you using the tools of your denomination—how to pray effectively. It could very well be that part of Marie’s disrespect, “does not believe what we believe any more” has to do with the fact that she can see that your beliefs don’t work for you or her.n n Re: “Will we just be "pushing her down further", by insisting she move out?” Written from responsibility, “Will I
just be "pushing her down further", by insisting she move out?” Yes, “tough love” will facilitate her in accelerating her downward spiral, so that she hits bottom while she’s young. She needs to hear from you, “Don’t call or write or leave messages until you can tell me you’ve completed 25 hours of therapy or counseling." BTW: Her “nice fellow” is also addicted to abuse; he’s an enabler, unconsciously supporting her in treating you abusively. No actualized boy would date her in her present condition. only someone whom she can control (read con using sex) by not having to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously. She hides from him the way she treats you. He is not a safe space for the truth to be told else he would have resolved (inspired harmony) the friction by now, just by his very niceness. He has developed a "nice act."n n Unbeknownst to you or your “friend,” your friend, and all with whom you relate, are part of the problem (inside the box). They can’t hear your lies because they have similar abuses going on in their lives. Any advice he/she has to offer won’t work. A true friend, one who knows from direct experience, would have told you long ago to get therapy and to not call them until you had resolved the Maria issue. You irresponsibly dump your stuff in his/her space day-after-day, without having had an intention to resolve the problem within 24 hours. Friends don’t do that to each other. They use each other to resolve and create new (mutually desirable) problems daily. Again, talking produces more of the same.n n Re: ”I seem to change my mind by the minute” Yes, this is indicative that you have so much stuff clouding your mind you can’t see the truth. Stuff such as unacknowledged childhood perpetrations, (lot's of unresolved parent stuff) and present-day withholds. I recommend that you use The Clearing Process
, do five clearings, one per day for five days in a row. You’ll notice a difference in your clarity. What you need to do will pop to the front of your mind, you will find yourself communicating appropriately. n n Paying for her counseling, like paying for her college, won’t work. She has no intention to heal. Matching funds on the other hand accepts responsibility for your cause in the matter and supports her in accepting responsibility for her cause; when she values it enough to work for it she'll make it work. She’s stuck being a user; lending her money will only compound the negative karma she’s heaped upon herself; along the same line, do not lend her a car, she’s setting up life for an accident, perhaps an unwanted pregnancy. Her anger is such that she’s intent on taking as many down with her as possible, beginning with making sure you and your husband have failed as parents. Talk to her boyfriend and get him to acknowledge that he will pay child support for life if he accidentally impregnates her. His integrity is out so he also is ripe for creating undesirable problems. n n Thanks so much for reaching out.n n With aloha,n n Kerry a.k.a. Gabbyn n PS. There’s a lot here, do check back in few days, I might have some edits/additions.n n PPS. Because we have talked about so many behind their backs it would work if you had everyone read our coms—to include both sets of in-laws. They need to know the effects their leadership communication model has had on their children. They can’t sleep well at night knowing they have yet to teach you kids how to have a supportive loving relationship with your children. Whenever two are at odds with each other there is always someone pretending to be an ally who in fact is unconsciously intending the friction. There are no exceptions to this fundamental communication principle. Get into communication with the silent hexer.