Originally written by Kerry for
tutorial
reference material, rewritten for
Communication Weekly which is no
longer online.
Acknowledging—a well kept secret
This article could also be titled, "Acknowledging: The Art and
Ethics of Manipulation." Most people are unaware of the fact that one cannot not
manipulate others. Most undesirable results are produced unconsciously
and non-verbally. I've yet to come across a cheating "
victim"
who, during a coaching consultation, did not acknowledge that he/she,
using their highly developed leadership-communication skills,
manipulated (albeit unconsciously) their spouse into deceiving him/her.
I.e. Once one experiences enlightenment one can see that at some level
they always knew.
For example: Even though I know how it works, and I can absolutely
tell when someone is doing it to me (because they know it works), it
still has the same effect, and I love it. I'm referring to when I'm at a
desk and someone comes up and touches my shoulder and says, "That's good Kerry" or any other
reassuring comment. A wave of euphoria rushes through me. In
neurolinguistics it's called anchoring a desired behavior.
Acknowledgment used intentionally with children and lovers works magic.
Ironically, undesirable behaviors can be anchored by
touching or spanking or criticism; even an unconsciously delivered
condescending stink-eye causes more of the same. Think of criticism (or
a non-verbal make-wrong) as a physical phenomenon, a wave of energy
particles hitting someone. Criticisms don't feel good, they are in fact
abusive; the negative effect often remains for life unless/until a
criticism is followed up with an acknowledgment such as, "I get that my
criticism earlier today didn't feel good."
Inappropriate acknowledgment has undesirable effects:
If a teacher
unconsciously lies and say's, "That was very good" when in fact it was
mediocre, it's the beginning of the end of respect of the teacher. The
lie becomes an unacknowledged
incomplete, a barrier to the experience of communication. All
failing students have one or more things for which the teacher did not
acknowledge either the student or his/her parents (there are no
exceptions to this phenomenon). Adults and children thrive on pleasing their loved ones. If you
ain't
pleasing or being pleased then there is something that's not being
acknowledged. Did you know that most arguing is about something else
that is not being acknowledged verbally in the relationship? Dramatized
anger, anger that lasts longer than ten seconds, is seldom about the
burnt toast.
Resentment in a relationship most always can be traced to a specific
incident in which either, one partner did not acknowledge the other for
something (good or bad) or, one did not request to be acknowledged.
Some examples:
"Guess who needs thanks for doing the laundry?"
"Guess who deserves a massage tonight?"
"Medal please, I vacuumed the entire house today."
"Tell me you appreciate me for taking care of the car."
"I heard you say you'd pick me up at 8:00, yes?" [This creates space
for the agreement breaker to acknowledge, "Yes, I get that I
lied." It also allows the possibility that you misheard.]
The ego likes to believe it's above asking for acknowledgment but few of
us are that enlightened. Failing to ask for acknowledgment is a setup,
to be right, that he/she doesn't appreciate me, etc. All divorces begin
with a
withhold, most always a thought that was not acknowledged verbally
at the very beginning, prior to or on the very first date. A thought withheld occupies space, it's
communicated non-verbally, it serves as a barrier to the experience of
communication, ergo, of love.