Do you know why parents resort to spanking?
A parent resorts to
spanking/hitting a child because they don't know how to produce the results they want
through verbal communication.
In part this is because they are carrying
around too many incompletes (withholds, and other unacknowledged
perpetrations) from other interactions. The clarity they once had is no
longer available. Incompletes serve as barriers to communication.
When a parent loses (some never had it) his/her ability to control things, in this case
their child's behavior, through verbal communications, they get upset, frustrated and angry.
Many resort to abusive, verbal, nonverbal or physical communication.
Physical communication is most often called spanking, others call it hitting.
Why does a parent do it? Or, why does one compromise his/her integrity
and support their partner in doing it?
They are reacting from fear.
They are reacting from anger.
They are upset and frustrated with their communication skills.
The way they are communicating, specifically their verbal skills, isn't producing the
results they say they want.
Most are programmed from childhood to spank.
Few spankers have any choice in the matter. Their mind is programmed to not think about calling
someone for support; or, it's programmed to call someone who agrees that spanking is
sometimes necessary.
It's not only that a spanker doesn't know how to communicate lovingly in support of
desirable behaviors, they are too arrogant to ask for help. Not much different from being
unwilling to stop at a gas station and ask for directions when lost.
A child's behaviors always mirrors a parent's communication skills.
In forty-four years of being listed in the Yellow Pages as a Communication Coach/Consultant
I have never received a call from a parent asking for advice on what to do so that they
won't have to spank their child.
I wonder what percent of parents start out with the idea in mind to never ever
hit their child?
My experience is that usually one marriage partner does not agree with spanking, but
never enough to risk putting the relationship on the line.
For example:
The enabler of abuse doesn't
communicate, "If you hit our child again I will leave." Consequently the silent
conspirator sells out and compromises their integrity for survival.
Ironically, here in
Hawaii, the land of Aloha, though corporal punishment in schools is not allowed, a
majority (yes, a majority) of parents believe it's not only OK but that it's necessary
and or appropriate to verbally yell at or
spank a child. They refuse to acknowledge that yelling is abuse, yet our SAT scores are among the worst in the nation. It hurts to be the silent
conspirator.
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