Communicating with a
Veteran—boot camp for loved ones
If you are relating or living with a veteran then this tip will be of value (see About Us for Gabby's military experiences).
Upon graduating from boot camp a service member returns home for some well deserved leave before reporting to his/her first duty station. The honoree still has the vibrant energy that comes from the experience of being in communication, of being gotten, of validation. It truly generates a contact-high for everyone. Parents and friends immediately notice the maturity, the confidence, the bearing, even the way he/she speaks is somewhat different. The consensus is that boot camp worked. In comparison, the service member finds that everyone at home has remained pretty much the same; there appears to be no equivalent development maturity-wise in anyone; if anything, those who used to badmouth and complain seem to be doing it more, perhaps even louder because in truth no one really listens to them. Everyone, especially family members, talk about the same boring, comparatively insignificant subjects. Perhaps, for the first time ever, the service member realizes that his/her family has become stuck doing an imitation of communication. For some bound-up families it only takes a few conversations for the service member's newly acquired power and energy to fade and blend in with the prevailing commitment to mediocrity. In the military one communicates so as to produce the desired result whereas at home the implied agreement is to communicate so as to cause supposedly unwanted problems to persist, ergo, there's no aliveness, no self-generating energy; one relative is stuck on welfare, another has been a problem-creating alcoholic for goodness knows how long, and one, using his/her leadership-support skills supports another in being an overweight couch potato. Sadly, the service member, has not yet developed the leadership-communication skills that would effect a transformation within the family, and so he/she stuffs these observations, these thoughts, thereby causing everyone to unconsciously continue producing more of the same. It's better than most families, but things aren't as good as one knows they could be. In families in which no one communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously, through to mutual satisfaction (zero thoughts withheld), everyone is bound up, each is withholding at least one thought from everyone for different reasons. This way of communicating, this communication model taught to us by parents and teachers, trigger judgmental thoughts that are usually stuffed. In communication coaching lingo these thoughts are called withholds. Thoughts withheld are one of the foremost causes of breakdowns in communication). Thoughts withheld serve as barriers to the experience of communication, especially the kinds of conversations that effect transformation within a family. The belief is that one simply can't tell family and high school friends that they are still unconscious, that conversations with them are, if truth be told, boring and inconsequential and, that what keeps everyone stuck is that no one has permission to tell the nitty-gritty truth. Within days, if not hours of arriving home, the service member is looking forward to reporting to his/her first duty station where the outcomes of conversations can determine life or death. Fast forward now to the exciting event looked forward to for years, the discharge date, in which he/she is now a veteran returning home. What most friends and family don’t realize is that they are experienced as (non-verbally judged to be), clueless, often irritating. The questions asked do not support the vet in being complete, instead they support effectual talking. A vet has had thousands of mind and body altering experiences while everybody at home has remained virtually the same (read Parole—the First 24 Hours, about what happens when the family of an inmate doesn't undergo concurrent rehabilitation, when, upon his/her parole, they use the same communication model with his/her family, the same way of relating, that didn't inspire integrity). Whereas before enlisting the vet, along with most everyone else, had accumulated a typical lifetime of withholds (hundreds of deceits, abuses and unacknowledged perpetrations). Now as a vet they have ten thousand thoughts that have never been communicated/shared with anyone. For example: Some perpetrations are as simple as when their squad leader asked if they had cleaned their weapon and they lied, knowing they just gave it a once over. This lie, along with thousands of others, has never been acknowledged. That lie, though seemingly insignificant, affects all outcomes to this very day. Why? Because the vet is, as is everyone, honest to the core. We simply won't allow ourselves to win big or to get away with even one unacknowledged lie.
This condition, of having thousands of withholds, causes one to be out-integrity, to be bound up emotionally. No one is skilled at getting into communication with the vet, especially the VA (their staff just haven’t been taught how to clear a vet). The vet is doomed to dramatize his/her withholds non-verbally for life. Typically, because they have no one to share their deep dark (even "sick") secrets, and because they feel so powerless and alone with their thoughts about making a difference, they go unconscious by resorting to drugs. All conversations with a veteran are but an imitation of communication, unless, and here’s the biggie, you have done The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row (it's free). Once you are clear and committed to communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously (no thoughts withheld) you may assist a vet in creating/recreating an experience of integrity (of being whole and complete). The Clearing Process will be your boot camp, it will empower you in getting into communication with a veteran. There can be no sustained peace until veterans learn how to communicate, from a place of integrity, their experiences of the horrors of war. The difference between communicating and talking is the results. As we've noticed these past generations talking about one's war experience causes more of the same results. A vet, for the rest of his/her life has the responsibility to communicate, else they have wasted their life and the lives of all who died in service to their country. —Kerry Comments welcome. Comment Box
is loading comments...
Also: Communication-Skills Tutorial for Veterans Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 6/11/14) Post comments, feedback or questions use Gabby's Forum If you like this tip please press the I like button.
|