Daughter wants to sever ties with mother-in-law / How do I repair the damage I've done?
Dear Annie: Yesterday I received a phone call from my
daughter-in-law. She stated that she would appreciate it if I didn't
call her anymore until I was ready to admit that I was telling lies
about her and that I would stop.
Annie, I haven't been saying
anything about her, and I refuse to admit to something when I am
innocent. We live in a small town, and I suggested that we go to
whoever is telling her this piece of baloney and confront them. What
should I do? —Shunned Mother-in-Law
Annie's Reply:
Dear Shunned: Talk to your son, and explain the problem. Ask him to
talk to his wife and get her to consider the possibility that one of
her "friends" is trying to poison the well. Meanwhile, call your
daughter-in-law and say you are sorry—not for doing anything wrong,
but because she obviously was hurt by this malicious person, and a
good relationship with her is important to you. —Annie
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Shunned: I agree with your offer to go with her to the source. If she declined my offer I would have asked her for the person's name so that I could talk with him/her?" My sense is that she would have refused; ostensibly, so she would think, because she doesn't want to violate the trust of the gossiper. However, the truth is she also knows at some level that she was the cause of, the space for, the divisive gossip to take place. She knows that she empowered the divider to get his/her fix of gossiping for the day. Also, she knows that she was looking for crap to make you further wrong for something.
Let's assume that the gossiper has manufactured a bold-faced lie. This means that your daughter-in-law is equally damaged, to the extent where her integrity won't allow her to experience the out-integrity of someone who maintains "friendships" by creating/passing along lies—so damaged that she thinks nothing of abusing you based upon hearsay. This means your son is equally damaged because he is consciously or unconsciously supporting her abuse of you.
For example: If your DIL were operating from integrity she would have replied to the gossiper, "H'm, that's uncomfortable to hear. Have to told my MIL that you're saying these things about her? Let's call her, together now."
It will be of more value to you if we
address the fact that you are
creating this drama. Of all the problems and issues in the world
that could use your support you are stuck handling crapolla like
this? As damaged as they all are (your daughter, the gossiper, and
your son-the-enabler) they are in fact mirroring you.
We'll
begin by acknowledging that your leadership-communication skills
trained your son to select her. Now he's using what you taught him
to support her abusive treatment of you. This is his covert and
irresponsible way of delivering a communication to you, through her.
I'm concerned that you don't mention having discussed this with
your son. It's hard to imagine that he's not aware of her decision
and therefore what it's based upon. If he is aware
then he looked into it and has satisfied himself such that he
supports her decision. This suggests that she has agreement, that
you have been maligning her. Perhaps he has withholds and
resentments about your addiction to blaming rhetoric. I.e. I'm
innocent, she's wrong, I didn't do anything, it's her fault.
I'm always suspect when one party in a squabble feigns innocence.
The source of this is not about what she heard from another. It's
unlikely she would trash a loving supportive relationship based
upon a single incident, from hearsay no less; this smacks of "the
straw that broke . . ." Go back in time and recall when you started
the fight. With support of a communication-skills coach you could
locate the exact abusive communication of yours that upset her—from
which she has yet to recover—the one you have yet to acknowledge to
yourself or her as being abusive. You might notice that your mind
won't allow you to locate the first incident by yourself because it
protects your point of view about how nice you are. Aren't we all? 
You come across as an arrogant argumentative victim because
you're not allowing the remote possibility
that you have communicated
(even unconsciously/non-verbally) a negative judgment, opinion, or
consideration about her. You wrote, "I haven't been saying
anything about her" yet you and I know a glance, roll-eyes, or
silence at the right moment, communicates volumes. Being in a circle
of gossipers and not speaking up is tantamount to agreement and
condones malicious gossiping. An unconscious
non-verbal communication has as much an effect as a conscious one. Just
because you are unaware of having gossiped doesn't mean you didn't.
Who else in your life would say you're a badmouther?
To clean
up this relationship you will have to be willing to set aside your
beliefs and go back in time and see what you did to cause her to
want to shun you. You've got to have said or done something that
forces her to insist upon boundaries so that she doesn't engage in
any more abusive conversations with you.
I support you in
honoring her request. No means no.
Here's two options:
First, engage the services of a communication-skills coach, a
therapist, or a counselor; ask for support in locating the first
incident with her, better yet, recall the very first person who
didn't want to play with you anymore. Secondly, schedule a
face-to-face private lunch with your son. In this order, else you
will bring to the lunch the same position, the same point of view,
of denial, that created this result and you'll create even more
problems. Keep in mind: All communication breakdowns are caused by
one of these
six variables.
Millions will see themselves as one
or more characters in your drama. Few are as conscious as your
daughter-in-law, to both estrange herself
from you and to let you know what will satisfy her so as to interact
with you again—most either dump the person for life or put up with
the abuse. Fewer still are as conscious as you, to have set up life
to complete your pattern of blaming, reaching
out as you have. In terms of your own path to enlightenment
it could also be said you've done well with your son who chose her.
There are several geniuses at work here.
—With aloha, Gabby
FYI: Throughout life I've had "friends"
relate to me untrue gossip about me. I've learned to ask, "Who told
you that?" Most always a person addicted to gossiping, a
trouble-making divider, replies, "I'd rather not say." To which I
reply, "Well, get back to me when you're willing to tell me who told
you." And that's it for me with them. I expect a lot from my
friends. In other words, the "friend" set me up to support them in
not eliciting and passing on gossip. They dumped crapolla in my
space. The friend should have said to the gossiper, "Will you tell
Gabby what you are saying?" Get a yes or no. If "no," then, "If you
won't then you leave me no choice but to tell Gabby that you are
spreading this story." Relayers are stuck in the adversarial
communication model, they excel at dividing; it's best to facilitate
them in bottoming out. Once they have destroyed all their
relationships, including theirs with me, they can start all over
again with a new set of ethics. Friends don't attract
gossipers.
Comments
Last edited 1/24/22