Godmother creates being banned
DEAR ABBY: When my friend became pregnant, her boyfriend didn't stick around to be in the baby's life. The three of us went to school together, and they started dating years later. When she asked me to be the child's godmother, I said yes. The baby is 5 months old now.
While I was out at a bar recently I ran into the boyfriend. My friend is now mad at me because I said hello to him. She thinks I should have ignored him, given him a dirty look or had words with him in public, but that's not me.
She's now saying she never wants to talk to me or see me again. What should I do? —CONFUSED GODMOTHER
Abby's Reply:
DEAR CONFUSED: Frankly, I think you should take this vindictive individual at her word until she apologizes. If you do as I suggest, there will be far less turmoil and drama in your life. —Abby
Gabby's Reply:
Hi Confused: I’d feel better about your sentence, “When my friend became pregnant . . .” if you had written, [When she seduced him into impregnating her.] Your use of the word “became” is distracting. It doesn’t work to get sucked into empowering anyone’s irresponsible victim-blame game.Her reaction (upset and anger) to your communication was appropriate. However, the banning was her dramatizing an earlier incident of hers (most likely during childhood) having to do with betrayal and loyalty). You have become stuck acting innocent as though you are unaware of the effect of your “hello.” It reveals that there is an incomplete in your relationship with her. Specifically, you have one or more withholds (perhaps an unresolved upset) in your relationship with her. Could it be that you haven’t let her know that you resent her for not applying herself in school, that you don’t respect the way she conned him into impregnating her and then blaming him? Possibly you have thoughts of disrespect for her because she might not have introduced him to her parents, whom you know would have seen through his act. I’m wondering if you have supported her in arranging for the court to garnish his wages for child support.
What we’re looking at is what this is about for you. This scenario is about an earlier incident (an incomplete) in your life. In other words, you’ve brought both of them into your life to support you in recalling the out-integrity in your life; there are one or more incompletes that need to be resolved so that you won’t have to keep recreating bannings. For example: Who in your life would say that you’ve banned them? Who in your life has banned you? Such incidents remain as incompletes for you that will affect your outcomes—for life.
It might be easier for you to see your “innocent” behavior in the bar if we changed the story. Let’s say she had been violently raped. Would you be so unconsciously abusive as to continue to be friendly with her attacker? Obviously not. Therefore it appears that you are unaware of what she has been going through, not as bad as rape, right? Compassion seems to be what’s up for you.
I suspect that had you been conscious, upon seeing him at the bar, you would have experienced uncomfortableness (uncertainty and confusion—underneath which are possible thoughts of disrespect and resentment). Instead of choosing to experience the uncomfortableness, instead of looking to see what it was about and sharing with him what was going on with you, you remained unconscious and were inappropriately friendly. I’m guessing he was surprised at your friendliness, expecting an admonishment, if not contempt. This is part of what her upset is about. Another part of what banning you was about is that she doesn’t want her child (your Godchild) to be taught to support irresponsibility, which you would automatically do non-verbally. You’ll need to learn this lesson before you get married.
I do wonder where your friendship was when she started dating him. Friends support each other in staying away from boys heading downhill.
In her universe she attracted someone who would mirror her integrity. Clearly she was not in-communication with him as to who-pays-for-what if she “accidentally” conned him into impregnating her.* She can’t move past this until she tells the truth about her cause in the outcomes she produces; it was her karma that created this situation. And, you have been the enabler.
A true friend might have approached him way earlier and asked what was going on that he would treat your Godchild so irresponsibly; followed by asking him why he burdens her with the responsibilities and costs of raising their child? My sense tells me he would have gotten upset and stayed away from you, her, and his child, and all other witnesses to his unethical behaviors.
There’s more going on than what you have presented. No friend would be so callous as to reward him with their friendly presence. Your “hello” communicated, “Although I know what you are doing to my dear friend and my Godchild you’re OK in my book. I’ve somewhat forgiven you.” At best, a communication from you should have been an uncomfortable experience for you both.
Re: “. . . but that's not me . . .” That’s a self-righteous position to justify your unconscious abusive communication to her. The truth is that was not, nor is it, you. You could also have told her, “I’m unwilling to be that supportive.” As you can see now, it sure didn’t feel good to her; not unlike a slap in the face. Perhaps it will wake you up as to the power of verbal abuse. If not, you’ll karmically create someone abusing you and another will befriend them. Which begs the question, who in your life would say that you’re banning them because they did something to upset you? And, who have you caused to shun you?
For certain you all have each other as a means of restoring/recreating and maintaining your integrity and for expanding your definitions of the word responsibility.
Of all the problems to have in a world of homeless hungry people why would you need to have this problem? Clearly you have yet to find/create your purpose in life. People who are on-purpose don’t have time to create such messes.
* Most girls don't ask these kinds of questions for fear of . . . It's a con that costs everyone.
—Gabby
P.S. Accepting to be a Godparent for someone who chose not to study so as to have a career to fall back on, someone who conned an irresponsible boy into impregnating her, possibly not handling child support responsibly, two who are clearly on the way down, was not smart. I doubt you supported her during pregnancy with health and integrity issues (eating healthy, lots of water and exercising, a drug-free birth, life's perpetrations acknowledged). If your word is good you could end up having to take care of the child—for life; this orphan reminds you, just because she's mad at you doesn't absolve you of the responsibility. Myself, I'd retract my invitation to be the Godparent and estrange myself from both her and her child unless she agreed to x hrs. of therapy. She has, with the support of your leadership-communication skills, unconsciously opted for a life of mediocrity.
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Last edited 11/18/21