This tip is one of the most thoughtful wedding gifts you can give; it's about supporting everyone concerned in having
mutually satisfying supportive relationships. However, it only works if
the wedding couple have included a
Fidelity Agreement in their vows.
Overview:
The Wedding Guest Vow supports open, honest, and responsible
communication. It presumes that you, a relative/friend/guest of one or
both wedding partners, are willing to accept
responsibility for the
effects of your leadership-communication skills. It's a given that all
concerned agree that all communications, verbal, non-verbal, and
psychic, have an effect.
Print, sign, and hand to both wedding partners their own copy
of the Wedding Guest Vow (you may reword it).
Wedding Guest Vow:
You have my word that I am available for clearing and
problem-solving throughout your relationship. In return, I'm asking
you to agree to call me, or another wedding guest, the first time an
upset or an experience of abuse is not resolved through to mutual
satisfaction within 24-hours. This includes calling me the first
time you have a
thought about cheating or divorcing. I do not want to hear from someone
else that you have caused cheating or that you are divorced. By accepting this vow you are agreeing to be supported in
communicating problems responsibly, from cause, as opposed to from blame.
If I am unable to assist in resolving a dispute or dissatisfaction
between you and your spouse, to include unacknowledged*
verbal/non-verbal abuse, I will call another guest and together we will
intervene through to mutual satisfaction.
You have my word that if I experience anything that does not feel
good or right between the two of you, directly or from another, I will
communicate it verbally to both of you. I will not withhold from either
of you any judgments or any rumors I may hear.
I will ask anyone who communicates negative gossip about you from
whom they heard it. If they refuse to divulge the name of their source I
will ask them if they'd be willing to tell you to your face what they
told me; I'll also remind them that you're going to want to know the
source. If the badmouthing-gossiper says they won't tell you I'll let
him/her know that I will be
telling you what they are passing around about you.
This Wedding Guest Vow does not mean that you must stay married,
only that you will have discussed thoughts about divorce with me or
another guest prior to initiating a divorce; it does however mean that
if you decide to divorce that you will do so amicably, supportively, and
with love.
* Unacknowledged: When you communicate abusively it's your
responsibility to acknowledge (to let the other person know) that you know that it was abusive. If you
didn't hear yourself having communicated abusively, then you will
eventually set it up for your partner to remind you, to give you
feedback. If your partner says, "That doesn't feel good" and you argue
or don't communicate, "I get that that was abusive," it reveals that you
are in denial. The test for abuse is always the recipient's experience;
someone addicted to abusing others is most always in denial and will argue or get
angry when the recipient communicates, "That didn't feel good."
Invariably the abuser will blame the recipient for starting the specific
abuse in question; the "victim" will later blame the abuser for not
acknowledging each and every abuse.
Conversely, if through your leadership-communication skills, you set it
up (create space, non-verbally grant permission) for your partner to
communicate abusively and you don't insist that he/she acknowledge the
abuse then you are accumulating reasons to justify a divorce. To let an
abuse slide, to go unacknowledged, reveals that you are masterminding a
divorce.
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