Communication-Skills Tutorial for Vets

 

Withholds:


A withhold is any significant thought withheld for any reason. "significant" meaning—if the thought withheld would cause upset/anger. You must make a conscious decision to withhold it for a reason. A fleeting thought that you don't make a decision to withhold is not a withhold.

 

Typically a withhold is a thought you believe, or know, would upset someone if you shared it verbally or, if it might affect an outcome—such as not being hired. All withholds are communicated non-verbally; the other knows something's in the space, something's wrong, the experience of love is missing and they don't know what's in the space. Your deceit has a downward-spiraling effect.  A withhold in a primary relationship is a most insidious unethical perpetration, it dooms the other, the relationship, to mediocrity, with few if any moments of joyous love.

 

An excellent test for withholds is for you to do The Clearing Process and then invite your partner to do it so that you both can do The Clearing Process for Couples. The Clearing Process is a prerequisite for The Clearing Process for Couples.  If your relationship is destined to continue and grow then the clearings will greatly enhance the relationship. On the other hand, if your relationship is on the way down then it's most likely that you or your partner will decline this invitation to do The Clearing Process.


All withholds are communicated non-verbally.
You either look like you're an open, light-hearted, well-adjusted approachable person, or you look somewhat shut down, closed-off, rough, tough, macho, anti-gay, or angry-looking (perhaps deceitful/untrustworthy looking) and not very happy. Often teens will assume a "tough avoiding look" so as to assure others that they aren't interested or gay; the look is carried over into adulthood. Someone who communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously simply looks like they are open and friendly—they are so honest they actually look honest.


For example:
 

— If you have caused your partner to cheat on you (to deceive you) you will find that you began the deceit on the first date when you withheld a deal-breaking thought from them. Possibly it began even earlier when you had deceived a parent (i.e. "I'm going to the library") and have yet to acknowledge that deceit to the parent. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. Withholders magnetically attract withholders.

— A withhold can be a long overdue expression of appreciation, respect, or love, or a covert thwarting communication of disrespect or resentment.

 

— If your teen is dating someone you don't like then both you and your teen are withholding (hiding) certain thoughts from each other; if so, do The Clearing Process and watch what happens—it's truly amazing.

— A withhold serves as a barrier to the experience of communication, of love. Your partner may not know what thought you are withholding, only that something is in the space, something's missing, something's wrong—it ain't as it used to be. They know what it would be like to be experiencing your love and it's not there; your presentation looks like love and sounds like love but it's not the joyous experience of love.

 

— Both parents of a teen who impregnated herself failed to share all of their teen perpetrations with their teen. Teens come to believe that they cannot be as "good" as their parents want them to be; as they believe their parents must have been as teens. This deceit causes a teen to give up trying to be good.

All divorces began with both partners withholding a thought from the other. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. Most divorced couples had one or more thoughts they withheld from their partner before the marriage. "With my 40+ years of one-to-one 3-hr coaching consultations I have never run across anyone who did not begin the deceit in their relationship by withholding a "deal-breaking" thought at the very beginning—usually on the very first date." —Kerry


One's arrogance, the belief that they got away with life's perpetrations, always begs to be humbled. Just because you are unaware of having communicated abusively to another, even if the communication was non-verbal, doesn't mean that the communication didn't have an effect on both you and the other.

It is impossible for only one partner to have a withhold: If you are withholding something from your partner they too are withholding a significant thought from you.  Withholders always always attract withholders; again, no exceptions.

If a couple have an agreement to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, no significant withholds, and one withholds a thought from the other, their conscious* partner can immediately tell** —such is the space of integrity. A withhold begs to be shared so as to restore the experience of integrity.

 

* A partner who is also withholding a thought is not conscious: ergo, "I didn't know he/she was cheating."

 

** Poker players refer to this micro-facial expression as a "tell."

 

Examples:

— Perhaps as a teen you sneaked out to have sex and lied to your parents, and have yet to acknowledge the lie to them. That lie, that withhold, is affecting you and communications with your present partner to this very day. The karma of the deceit has been compounded if you conned your date into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex. Once the deceit has been acknowledged to your parents (in person or via prayer) the negative (karmic) effects of a withhold disappears.

— Perhaps you have presented yourself to your spouse or in-laws as an honest and trustworthy person; that deceit, that unacknowledged withhold, is having an undesirable effect to this very day (your deceit even affects the deceived parents because they were/are unconscious and support such deceits). If, after reading this, you continue deceiving everyone the karma will be compounded because the abuse will be premeditated—reading this is what's referred to as a fork-in-the-road.

— Perhaps you withheld a judgmental thought from someone because you knew it would be extremely uncomfortable to deliver. The person is most likely still being abusive to this very day because no one has had the integrity to verbally share their experience of them with them.
 

— Perhaps you knew a friend was being deceived by another and you have remained silent thereby dooming all three of you to the karmic consequences of deceiving and of supporting deceit.

— No doubt you've participated as the gossiper (or the enabler—the space in which gossip took place) in some damaging gossip about another and never told the person to their face.

 

— Other withholds could be specific experiences that you stuffed—such as what it was like to be on the receiving end of someone's communication. If for instance your parent yelled at you and you have yet to tell him/her that it didn't feel good, then you are out-integrity, you are incomplete, and so is your parent (they have yet to acknowledged and to be acknowledged for that specific abuse).

 

— If you suspect your partner is deceiving you it's for certain you began the deceit by withholding your thought of choice from them (usually on the first date) and, you have yet to share that withhold with them.

 

— If someone is afraid to tell you a truth then you have not been a safe space for the truth to be told, you have in fact unconsciously created fear in your relationship. We unconsciously use fear to control others.

Children are integrity meters:

A child can sense when there's a breakdown in communication between his/her parents, when the parents have lapsed into doing their imitation of communication. A child can sense when parents are withholding thoughts or a perpetration from each other, when something is occupying the space in which love used to be; as such, the child will do anything (cry, resist food or sleep, misbehave, thwart, do poorly in school, or even get sick) to restore the experience of integrity and love (such incompletes generate bully-victim dramas and Columbines).

 

Last edited 6/30/17

 

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