A withhold is any significant thought withheld for any reason.
"significant" meaning—if the thought withheld would cause
upset/anger. You must make a conscious decision to withhold it for a reason. A
fleeting thought that you don't make a decision to withhold
is not a withhold.
Typically a withhold is a thought you
believe, or know, would upset someone if you shared it verbally
or, if it might affect an outcome—such as not being hired.
All withholds are communicated
non-verbally; the other knows something's in the space,
something's wrong, the
experience of love is missing and they don't know what's in the
space. Your deceit has a downward-spiraling effect.
A withhold in a primary
relationship is a most insidious unethical perpetration, it
dooms the other, the relationship, to
mediocrity, with few if any moments of
An excellent test for withholds is for you to do
The Clearing Process and
then invite your partner to do it so that you both can do
The Clearing Process for Couples.
The Clearing Process is a prerequisite for
The Clearing Process for Couples.
If your relationship is destined to continue and grow
then the clearings will greatly enhance the relationship. On the
other hand, if your relationship is on the way down then it's
most likely that you or your partner will decline this invitation
to do The
All withholds are communicated non-verbally. You either look like you're an open, light-hearted,
person, or you look somewhat shut down, closed-off, rough, tough, macho,
anti-gay, or angry-looking
(perhaps deceitful/untrustworthy looking) and not very happy.
Often teens will assume a "tough avoiding look" so as to assure others that
they aren't interested or gay; the look is carried over into adulthood. Someone who communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously
simply looks like they are open and friendly—they are so honest
they actually look
— If you have caused your partner to cheat
on you (to deceive you) you will find that you began the deceit on the first date when you withheld a deal-breaking thought from them. Possibly it began even earlier when you had deceived a parent
(i.e. "I'm going to the library") and have yet to acknowledge that deceit to the
parent. There are no exceptions to this
Withholders magnetically attract withholders.
— A withhold can be a long overdue expression of appreciation, respect, or love,
or a covert thwarting communication of disrespect or resentment.
— If your teen is dating someone you don't like
then both you and your teen are withholding (hiding) certain thoughts
from each other; if so, do
The Clearing Process and watch what
happens—it's truly amazing.
— A withhold serves as a barrier to the experience of
communication, of love. Your partner may not know what thought
you are withholding, only that something is in the space,
something's missing, something's
wrong—it ain't as it used to be. They know what it would be like to be experiencing your
love and it's not there; your presentation looks like love and sounds like love
but it's not the joyous experience of love.
— Both parents of a teen who impregnated herself
failed to share all of their teen perpetrations with their teen. Teens
come to believe that they cannot be as "good" as their parents want them
to be; as they believe their parents must have been as teens. This
deceit causes a teen to give up trying to be good.
All divorces began with both partners withholding a thought
from the other.There are no exceptions to this
entanglement phenomenon. Most divorced couples had one or more
thoughts they withheld from their partner before the marriage.
"With my 40+ years of one-to-one 3-hr coaching consultations I have never
run across anyone who did not begin the deceit in their
relationship by withholding a "deal-breaking" thought at the
very beginning—usually on the very first date." —Kerry
One's arrogance, the belief that they got away
with life's perpetrations, always begs to be humbled. Just
because you are unaware of having communicated abusively to another,
even if the communication was non-verbal, doesn't mean that the
communication didn't have an effect on both you and the other.
It is impossible for only one partner to have a
If you are withholding something from your partner
they too are withholding a significant thought from you. Withholders
always attract withholders; again, no exceptions.
If a couple have an agreement to communicate openly,
honestly, and spontaneously, no significant withholds, and one
withholds a thought from the other, their conscious*
partner can immediately tell** —such
is the space of integrity. A withhold
begs to be shared so as to restore the experience of integrity.
* A partner who
is also withholding a thought is not conscious: ergo, "I didn't know
he/she was cheating."
Poker players refer to this micro-facial expression as a "tell."
— Perhaps as a teen you sneaked out to have sex and lied to
your parents, and have yet to acknowledge the lie to them. That lie, that withhold, is affecting you and
communications with your
present partner to this very day. The karma of the deceit has
compounded if you conned your date into deceiving both
sets of parents so as to have sex. Once the deceit
has been acknowledged to your
parents (in person or via prayer) the negative (karmic) effects of
a withhold disappears.
— Perhaps you have presented
yourself to your spouse or in-laws as an honest and trustworthy person; that
deceit, that unacknowledged withhold, is having an
undesirable effect to this very day (your deceit
even affects the
deceived parents because they were/are unconscious and
such deceits). If, after reading this, you continue
deceiving everyone the karma will be compounded because the
abuse will be premeditated—reading this is what's referred to as a
— Perhaps you withheld a
judgmental thought from someone because you knew it would be
extremely uncomfortable to deliver. The person is most likely
still being abusive to this very day because no one has had
the integrity to verbally share their experience of them
— Perhaps you knew a friend was being
deceived by another and you have remained silent thereby
dooming all three of you to the karmic consequences of
deceiving and of supporting deceit.
— No doubt you've participated as the gossiper
enabler—the space in which gossip took place) in
some damaging gossip about another and never told the person to their face.
— Other withholds could be
specific experiences that you stuffed—such as what it was like to be on the
receiving end of someone's communication. If for instance
your parent yelled at you and you have yet to tell him/her that it
didn't feel good, then you are out-integrity, you are
incomplete, and so is your parent (they have yet to acknowledged
and to be
acknowledged for that specific abuse).
— If you suspect your partner is deceiving you it's for certain
you began the deceit by withholding your thought of choice from
them (usually on the first date) and, you have yet to share that withhold with them.
— If someone is afraid to tell you
a truth then you have not been a safe space for the truth to
be told, you have in fact unconsciously created fear in your
relationship. We unconsciously use fear to control others.
Children are integrity meters:
A child can sense when there's a
breakdown in communication
between his/her parents, when the parents have
lapsed into doing their
imitation of communication.
A child can sense when parents are withholding thoughts or a
perpetration from each other, when something is occupying the
space in which love used to be; as such, the child will do anything
(cry, resist food or sleep, misbehave, thwart, do poorly in school, or even get sick) to
restore the experience of integrity and love (such
bully-victim dramas and Columbines).