One barrier to achieving and maintaining the experience of
success, happiness, health, and love is the accumulation of
life's unsatisfying interactions (verbal, non-verbal,
physical, and psychic communications). Communication coaches refer to these
incompletes—communications you started (caused
to be started) and have not completed through to mutual
The word unacknowledged refers to an incomplete that you
have hidden from yourself or another, one that you have not
acknowledged to anyone. Telling a friend, "My wife divorced
me" is not an acknowledgment because it's an
irresponsible blame statement. "Using my
leadership-communication skills I set it up for her to
initiate the divorce" would be a responsible acknowledgment. Use
Reunion Conversations to
locate/recall unacknowledged perpetrations/incompletes.
The word experienced is used to remind you that
often in the middle of an upset one doesn't have a choice to
not be upset, they have in fact gone unconscious, their mind has
taken over; they are not experiencing the moment, they are not
awake, not in
the now (present-time). A conscious person doesn't choose to be
upset or to abuse (damage) another with a communication.
When an incomplete is recalled (remembered), experienced, and communicated
responsibly (from how you caused it) the incomplete no longer gets in the way of
present-day conversations and outcomes.
Life's less than satisfying conversations keep generating more
of the same results in similar present-day situations because
there is an unacknowledged lie having to do with one's memory of the first time
it happened. The mind is not remembering a specific incident, a
failed communication, its cause for an abusive interaction, accurately.
lie continues to have undesirable consequences.
Examples of Incompletes:
1) If your platoon leader told you to clean your weapon and
you know you did a half-assed job then that interaction (even
though it appears you got away with it) is stored in your mind
as an incomplete; it's a perpetration for which you have not
been acknowledged. It, and all the other unacknowledged sneaky deceits,
cons, lies, and abuses you've perpetrated occupy space in the
back of your mind serving as a barrier to the experience of
clarity, of being in-integrity (of deserving to have life &
2) Perhaps you shunned someone in school. Your
memory of the incident might be considerably different; it's
especially significant if you don't even remember abusing
any case, it had a powerful long-lasting effect. It's quite possible that the
classmate has yet to recover from the experience of how you
communicated with him/her. What's not so easy to see is that
your unconscious abuse has had an effect on you as well, without
you even being aware of it.
3) Possibly when you were young your father
yelled at you and it didn't feel good. He didn't acknowledged later,
or to this very day,
that he knew it was abusive. That specific incident remains an incomplete
and affects his and your present-day communications, therefore
both yours and his
A good test to see if you are dragging around a
childhood incomplete is to notice if you are verbally or non-verbally
abusing a loved one and, you're not verbally acknowledging
each and every abuse to him/her. You seem to have no choice,
even your humor is sometimes automatically abusively condescending,
sexist, or "slightly" racist.
Because your mind might not
want to acknowledge that it's addicted to abusing/being abused
ask your partner: "When was the last time a communication of
mine didn't feel good to you, one that I didn't verbally acknowledge the
The way to disappear automatic knee-jerk abuse is to
acknowledge each instance every time.
i.e. "I get that my yelling at you didn't feel good."
or, "That didn't feel good." Notice that an acknowledgment does not include an apology, reasons, excuses,
or blaming; it's simply an acknowledgment. Most importantly,
give your partner permission to let you know when a communication doesn't feel