Communication Tip:

Originally written by Kerry for tutorial reference material, rewritten for Communication Weekly (no longer on line).

Addressing the Source of Spousal Abuse

Quote from the
Spouse Abuse Tutorial:
"The partner who fails to insist upon acknowledging/clearing an abusive interaction through to mutual satisfaction becomes the cause for all successive abuses." —Kerry
If your partner does or says something that doesn't feel good it's your responsibility to extract an acknowledgment, a communication that lets you know, with certainty, that they know that their communication didn't feel good. Letting (causing) a condescending remark slide, ostensibly so as to maintain the illusion of harmony, is referred to as a setup.

When you non-verbally support abuse you become the cause for its compounding karma; no matter what your mind believes you'll eventually discover that it was you masterminding a divorce, saving up enough abuses to warrant a divorce. All abusive interactions between couples are in fact about earlier similar (usually childhood) incompletes, abusive communications for which neither have been acknowledged (caught).

Two examples:  
1) If either parent hit you when you were a child (yes, spanking is abusive*) and, he/she did not follow up with ("I get that I was abusive to you earlier today") or, you have not asked a parent to acknowledge a specific abuse incident during childhood, then you will not have the courage to insist upon your spouse treating you respectfully. Wimps always magnetically attract bullies; they control the bully by submitting to (therefore unconsciously intending) the abuse; a "victim" compounds the effects of their machinations with a lie, denying that they are the cause. For more read: Newton’s Third Law as applies to spousal abuse

2) If you yelled at your child and have not followed up with ("I get that I was abusive to you earlier today") then you are training your child to be abusive to his/her future spouse; you are teaching him/her that abusive yelling is acceptable if the reason is good enough.
The Spouse Abuse Tutorial is not about stopping yourself from being abusive, it's about agreeing to responsibly (from cause) acknowledge each and every abusive communication. When partners make this agreement they both will begin to observe just how often they are abusive; these observations eventually put one in choice. It can be said that there are no "victims" or bullies with spousal abuse, merely sparring partners, who (albeit it unconsciously) agree to abuse and be abused. All domestic violence begins with one partner setting up the other to abuse them. What causes abuse to persist is the "victim" has not accepted responsibility for setting up (for causing) their partner to abuse them; he/she is addicted to blaming.

Of interest:

Couples who both have served in the military do not tolerate physical abuse; this is partly because women who have been through a military boot camp are more physically and mentally confident, they simply command respect non-verbally. On the other hand, girls who have been trained by parents to submit to condescending verbal abuse, girls who coincidentally haven't developed their upper body muscles, often can't recognize when their partner is being condescending. A submissive posture (often evidenced by head tilting when speaking) guarantees an undesirable reaction from a bully, or a control freak; it is in fact a non-verbal invitation to be taken advantage of; men in particular look for partners they can control. Within a few conversations a man knows whether or not a woman is to be treated as an equal.

The free clearing processes for individuals, professionals, couples, and parents with children are supportive of restoring/maintaining ones integrity, specifically, acknowledging (completing) ones childhood communication breakdowns, the less than satisfying interactions.

* A parent who says they only spank their child from love are lying. It's impossible to experience the experience of love while hitting another. Such a parent has lost his/her ability (perhaps never had it) to produce the desired behaviors via verbal, non-verbal, and psychic  communications.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 10/13/17)


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