Premise: A quote you disagree with could be causing
communication breakdowns in your relationships. An enlightened being can
easily see both the truth and the
falsity of each quote—each is, as Werner Erhard (est), would
say—a "What's so, so what!" experience. Someone who has become stuck doing his/her
imitation of communication has no choice other than to get upset,
Please use the free-no-registration
required Comment Form below to indicate which
quote(s) you like/don't like. Permission to use a quote is always
email—with the proviso that you acknowledge Kerry or Community Communications.
If you read a quote and see that it applies to your partner,
and, you hide or don't talk about it with them, for fear
of ... then you are dooming them to a life with little or no joy.
One sure way to complete your addiction to
automatically yelling, to your knee-jerk angry
abusive reactions, is to acknowledge soonest to the recipient
(without an apology) that you know it didn't feel good—done
consistently you will soon find yourself having choices.
In a primary relationship in which one or both have become
unhealthfully overweight, both are withholding significant
thoughts from the other—there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.
Communication disappears a supposedly unintended problem whereas talking cause the problem to
For one parent, ostensibly the good parent, to support
verbal child abuse, so as to survive, to look better, nicer, less
abusive, more righteous (always for reasons) verges on evil; history refers to
such people as the "good Germans."
When you, using your leadership-communication skills, set up a partner to deceive you it's a reminder that you
began the deceit by withholding a thought from them—with couples
it's most always a "deal-breaking" thought on the very first date—there are no exceptions to this
A failing student is letting everyone know that he/she is not in-communication with anyone—that the
student has not been acknowledged for one or more perpetrations—that the adults
around the student have become stuck doing their imitation of
communication with him/her.
A sure way to shut down your child, to drive them to drugs and
deceitful (behind your back) teen sex, is to treat their mother/father
abusively without cleaning up each instance in front of the child.
Children intuit that they are
the cause for the abuse between parents; they know, with absolute
certainty, that if they (the child) knew how to verbally communicate
more effectively they could recreate the experience of love in the family—therefore
they (the child) must not inspire love—the invalidation creates a condition of
If you give unsolicited
advice to a person intent on failing (someone whose path requires
that they fail—without blaming someone) you'll fail as an advice-giver
but succeed as an enabler— "unsolicited" meaning, they did not
specifically ask you for advice.
Virtually all veterans with PTSD
have one or more significant thoughts they are withholding from a significant
person; one can't be certain of the source of a problem until they
have restored their integrity—to include acknowledging all
of life's perpetrations (see
If you hold that another couldn't possibly change then the same
holds true for you.
The abuse parents inflict on each other is equally abusive to their child,
unless the abuse is verbally acknowledged in front of the child. For
example: Father to mother: "I get that what I just said didn't feel
One way to help someone produce more unexpected/undesirable outcomes
is to offer them advice—helping creates dependence.
Under the reasons is the truth of what the cheating was about—reasons serve as
barriers to acknowledging the truth, ones cause for an outcome.
Clue: Cons always attract cons.
When you non-verbally support someone in lying about the cause of the failure
of a previous relationship it ensures that there will be little or no
joy in the new relationship. i.e. "He was abusive." "She cheated on
me." "She divorced me." —all blame statements, for which there
undesirable consequences for the both of you.
If you don't like your partner's ex, never having met them, then
you have attracted and enabled a blaming badmouther. Blamers attract
and mirror blamers.
When a job interviewer doesn't do complete work, when he/she doesn't catch the incompletes
(lies, omissions, & purposeful illegibilities)
on a Job Application Form, the applicant intuitively knows that the company will accept
typical high-school performance.
If you suspect your
partner is deceiving you it's your integrity at
work prompting you to verbally acknowledge that you began the deceit; there are no exceptions to this phenomenon—couples have no choice other than to mirror
each other's integrity.
Whenever an employee is performing poorly a manager will always (yes
always) find a lie, an omission, or a purposeful
error, on the employee's Job Application Form.
Big box managers (Sears, Target, Wal-Mart, Home Depot, etc.)
train their "Associates" to not look for
customers to help, to look down or away when walking around the
store; we know this by the results these managers produce.
Employees have no choice other than to mirror the integrity of
their manager; it's an entanglement phenomenon.
Addiction to abuse—to abusing or to being abused—is as debilitating as any
It's unethical to use your leadership-communication skills to set up
another to abuse you, to goad them into abusing
you—possibly having them incarcerated.
With spousal abuse there are no bullies or victims—only consenting sparring partners,
both lying about the cause of the abuse.
Withholders (those who withhold certain thoughts from their partner) cause
their partner to withhold their thoughts of choice from
them—withholders always attract withholders.
Cheaters attract and mirror cheaters; there are no exceptions to
this entanglement phenomenon.
Arrogance is thinking you can create and sustain the experience of love and happiness
without cleaning up your childhood abuses, lies, and deceits; such
arrogance begs to be humbled. Read
Conversations in Support of Health.
An unacknowledged lie to the question, "Did you brush your teeth?"
continues to have undesirable consequences throughout life until it is verbally
Acknowledging a lie completes the experience and its karmic
Just because you can't remember a childhood lie or perpetration
doesn't mean it's still not affecting your outcomes—to this very
day. To recall and acknowledge unconscious (hidden) perpetrations,
to restore and maintain your integrity, to complete your incompletes, do
The [free] Clearing Process.
A spouse who causes their partner to cheat on them (to deceive
them) will always find that they had deceived a parent and have yet
to verbally acknowledge the specific deceit to the parent. i.e. "Did
you brush your teeth?"
Children lie and grass is green. Making grass wrong, punishing it
for being green, is not very masterful; what's worse, it causes (yes
causes) deceptions and more lying—evidenced by the
fact that the majority of teens con each other into deceiving both
sets of parents so as to have sex.
Children need to experience that they inspire love between parents, when
a child fails it
wreaks havoc with their growth-compass, their confidence; their
leadership-communication skills are missing the successes that would
empower them in positively affecting all relationships and outcomes—for
A parent resorts to spanking when he/she has lost their ability to produce a desired behavior lovingly
through verbal communication, when the parent has lapsed into doing an
imitation of communication with his/her partner.
The partner of a spanker always enables the abuse for survival reasons;
the "good" parent most always manipulates the child (usually
non-verbally) into thinking less of the spanker rather than
protecting the child from the abuse ever again.
If you are engaged and withholding a deceit from your parents or
your betrothed, then your relationship will be about experiencing the
consequences of deceit; furthermore, it condemns your partner to a
life with little or no joy—definitely not a gift of love.
All divorced couples brought their addiction to deception, to withholding
thoughts of choice, into the relationship.
A child who is failing in school reveals that there is a
communication breakdown at home, his/her parents are out-integrity;
both parents are withholding thoughts from each other; the child is
withholding thoughts from both parents. There are no exceptions to
Given a choice, all other qualifications being equal,
few would choose a brain surgeon who is cheating on his/her spouse; why then
should we risk the karmic possibilities (however real or remote) of
undesirable consequences for dishonesty/infidelity of our leaders?
A woman who seduces a married leader (manager, officer, politician,
CEO, etc.) is an unethical saboteur; she is setting up life to discover the
correlation between ones personal integrity and outcomes. Her
imagined/professed love of the leader is a lie. i.e. A
responsible loving woman would not risk the possible consequences of
seducing a married leader knowing it will negatively affect the leader's
The partner who fails to insist upon acknowledging/clearing an abusive
interaction—through to mutual satisfaction—becomes cause
for all successive abuses.
We are always manifesting our intentions; most of the time we
are unconscious and unaware of our intentions and so we act surprised,
or get upset, when we see
what our leadership-communication skills have produced.
Until one cleans up life's perpetrations all communication breakdowns, to include
abuses and broken agreements, are a consequence of either one's
integrity or his/her communication-skills. Once one's
integrity has been restored then a broken agreement/failed goal is solely a
communication problem, not a communication and/or an integrity problem.
If you attend a friend's wedding
knowing that there is
deception between the bride and the groom, or between either of them and
another, or their parents, then you are condoning (supporting) deception, in which
case the couple's relationship cannot expand and grow—because, friendship with
you does not inspire honesty.
With unpleasant divorces, both partners withheld his/her thought of choice at
the very beginning. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon.
"Thought of choice" means, I'll withhold any thought I want, for a
reason, which automatically causes you (grants
you permission) to withhold whatever thought you want—say for
instance, that you've had lingering thoughts about finding a
In an open and honest relationship all thoughts are shared verbally,
especially the ones the mind thinks would be better, safer, less
hurtful/upsetting, to withhold.
It's impossible for your relationship to grow and expand if you hide your
thoughts of choice from your partner (it's called deceit). Your partner may start out being open and honest but by the
time you are through with them you will have trained him/her to hide
their thoughts of choice from you.
You cannot create an experience of love in a space
occupied by deceit.
If you are not experiencing the experience of love with your
partner then you are withholding thoughts from him/her.
It's never the other person.
Virtually no veteran leaves the military acknowledged for all their
good and "bad" deeds, consequently, an unacknowledged vet is not
whole and complete; they drag remnants of incompletes left over from childhood and the military into each and every civilian conversation affecting all
When a disabled veteran is in-communication with a
communication-skills coach the vet is able to recall thoughts having
to do with unconscious intentions (thoughts just before the "incident")
that heretofore had not been included in the vet's explanation of
what "happened." Such omissions, thoughts, and considerations serve
as barriers to healing and to relating the incident responsibly,
truthfully, from cause.
People with unacknowledged childhood deceptions attract those who are
equally addicted to deceiving and to being deceived.
All "victims" of infidelity began the
deceit by consciously choosing to withhold a thought for one or more
reasons; for most "victims" it was
on the very first date.
There can be no experience of joyous love when there is no experience of respect. Concept of love, yes, experience
of love, no.
The love that "happens" at the beginning of a relationship is caused
in part by the chemistry of endorphins. Eventually both accumulate
thoughts they withhold from each other; thoughts serve as barriers
to the experience of love. The way to create/recreate the experience
of joyous love is through open, honest, and spontaneous
communication, no significant thoughts withheld.
In a relationship in which there is an experience of communication (open, honest, and
spontaneous—zero significant thoughts withheld) it is virtually impossible for
one partner to have persistent preoccupying thoughts about an
attractive neighbor except that those thoughts are verbally shared and therefore nipped in
Gossip communicated non-verbally,
such as a teacher's negative judgment of a parent, has the same detrimental,
more-of-the-same, effects as does irresponsible verbal gossip.
The difference between an education major and a teacher is that a
"teacher" can always tell when a child is being abused (verbally or
non-verbally) —such a child is comparatively shutdown, lacking in
confidence, wimpy acting and submits to peer bullying.
All deceitful teen sex is a consequence of a breakdown in
communication within both families—there are no
exceptions to this phenomenon.
The majority of parents nationwide teach their children to lie—evidence by the fact
that most teens con each other into deceiving both sets
of parents so as to have sex.
In a marriage it works to communicate, if not up-front, then right
now today, "Can we agree that cheating is tantamount to requesting a
divorce? I will not grant a second chance. Is this
absolutely clear?" If your partner senses you are lying, that you
will not effect an immediate divorce, they'll get it. In other
words, if you lie to them, (if you don't really mean that you will
divorce them) you will discover your lie. A fidelity agreement not communicated clearly
and verbally like this communicates (implies) that you will tolerate and
"forgive" cheating. It also implies that you reserve the option to
cheat and that you assume they will give you a second chance. This
unconscious implied reserved option is partly why most couples don't include
a fidelity agreement in their marriage vows.
Senators T. Kennedy (MA), Brooke (MA), Craig (ID), Edwards (NC),
Ensign (NV), Vitter (LA), McCain (AZ), Stanley (TN), Baucus (MT),
Hart (CO), Packwood (OR), Miller (OH), and their spouses and
their ignorance of the correlation between personal integrity and outcomes and goals.
Here's what I recommend be included in a marriage vow: "A measure of my
commitment to you is to be faithful. To be unfaithful, to
consciously choose to abuse you, would
immediately annul this marriage and forfeit my right to sue for
children, alimony, or jointly held possessions."
If you conned another to marry and support you—because you didn't
study so as to have a career to fall back on—then you have created disrespect and
resentment; your user disrespects him/herself for using you rather than
supporting you in being responsible and independent; he/she resents you,
in part, because you're
not stopping him/her from using you.
If you don't train your spouse to acknowledge each and every condescension it's most
likely you are unconsciously masterminding a divorce; the
blaming you is
collecting withholds and resentments to justify a divorce.
If your marriage isn't working it could be a consequence of an
unacknowledged perpetration—such as conning them into marrying you
before you confidentially brought a career into the relationship.
Children are extremely susceptible to the vibrations of the out-integrity of
their parents. Not unlike a magnet next to a compass, the child has no
choice other than to go off course. In lay terms, the confusing non-verbal,
abusive, vibrations between parents cause
a child to lose control of their directions/choices.
A person who is whole and complete simply doesn't attract or
date someone stuck in abuse—therefore, to date an abuse addict is to
unconsciously intend the abuse to satisfy your own
addiction, to get your daily fix of parental-like abuse.
The majority of women are addicted to being condescended to;
therefore they have no choice other than to attract and marry
someone who will treat them as did their parents.
A person who has the time and energy, coupled with an imagined need for frequent sex, has yet to
find his/her purpose in life.
To make your partner wrong for not wanting sex is abusive; what's
needed instead is genuine intercourse.
If your partner is failing in one or more areas of life, if they are
opting for unethical or unhealthy choices, then it has to do with
your leadership-communication skills, your conscious and
unconscious intentions; what will cause them to continue failing is for
you to feel badly for having masterminded this result. Instead,
acknowledge the effectiveness of your intentions (however
unconscious they may have been).
Sex without conscious breathing is rudimentary high school sex; it's as far
from true intercourse as talking is from communicating.
"Conscious breathing" meaning: To synchronize your breathing
(inhalations and exhalations) with your partner's. This intention
replaces the usual thoughts and techniques and allows one to
experience amazing subtle sensations. Prerequisite: A couple
must communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously (no
thoughts withheld). A thought withheld serves as a barrier to
experiencing exquisite loving intercourse.
The leadership-communication skills it takes a divorced parent
to be a safe space for their child to process their divorce-grief, and, to
enroll them in support of the mother or father dating others again, are the exact
same skills it will take to effect a successful new marriage.
Parents who hypocritically "teach" truth-telling while hiding
their own teen-perpetrations from their teen, train their child to be
Parents who hide their teen sex and
drug experiences from their child cause (yes,
cause) their child to deceive them.
It's virtually impossible for a child to be as "good" as
they believe their parents were as children.
"Victims" of an unfair divorce settlement
manufacture all sorts of reasons for the results they produced using
their leadership-communication skills—none of which are the
truth—they haven't accepted responsibility for masterminding the divorce and
its outcome; typically such a partner blames others for their
breakdowns in communication.
To experience the experience of love with a new friend first do
Process. Then invite your friend to do it. After which you both can
do The Clearing Process for Couples.
misbehaving/pouting/failing teen is trying to let his/her parents know that
they have become stuck doing their imitation of communication, with
each other, and with their teen.
Conning a girl into having sex, knowing full well it would upset her parents,
is as detrimental to one's health as is smoking. Your integrity will set up life for you to
get caught (acknowledged) for the perpetration (usually when you get
things going well).
Supporting a date in deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex reveals
that there are disrespects you have of your date that have not been
Conning a boy into repeatedly begging for sex is unethical. A "No"
communicated gets gotten and transforms the relationship. A No
"said," but not meant (not communicated), is a lie, for
which their are always undesirable consequences.
A lie (or deceit between you and your
parents) creates undesirable consequences—such as, an
"accidental" pregnancy or deceptions later during a
Teens thinking of having sex must share such thoughts
with both sets of parents, else the professed love is not love.
Love cannot exist in a space occupied by deception.
An "accidental" pregnancy is eventually discovered to have been
of an out-integrity, a deceit—there are no exceptions.
If your date professes to love you and they are supporting you
in deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex, then you
can be certain it's not love. Love can't exist in a space
occupied by deceit.
If you con a boy into impregnating you
you'll have revealed your deceit. There are no
If you have not found, or created, your purpose in life then begin
by serving others (uplift each person you meet throughout the day) in
so doing you'll add to your own aliveness.
If, as a teen, you impregnate a girl you will have
revealed, no matter what you believe, that you don't respect
her; one doesn't ruin a girl's chances of having a career,
except that there is no experience of respect in the relationship.
As a dating teen you must
know what it costs to give birth to and raise a child.
you afford a pregnancy or do you plan on having both sets of
parents, or the community (welfare), pay for your sex? —such
arrogance begs to be humbled.
The prerequisite for all
teens approaching dating age is to present to his/her parents a written outline of the
costs (doctors, hospitals, food, clothing) of raising a child
through to age 18, and, who the teen expects will pay for an
prerequisite for all teens approaching driving age is to present
to their parents a list of the expenses involved in having a
vehicle—insurance, financing, the cost for tow trucks, the cost
for a smashed fender, the cost to rent a car, and how much one
loses when selling a car that's been in an accident
about responsible lending and borrowing).
A girl who
can't or won't talk to her parents about certain subjects
will attract someone who has the exact same controlling
behaviors as her parents. More accurately, she will,
unconsciously, using her leadership-communication skills,
manipulate her partner into controlling her and then then
Google the word "abuse"
and it presently (10/14/16) brings up about 572,000,000 references.
What's interesting is that no two of the web sites that offer abuse support, education, or help use the same
definition of the word abuse. More interestingly, no two teachers
in any school, or any two judges in the world, have the
same definition of the word abuse
All the energy and money spent on preventing, eliminating, reducing, or controlling abuse is to no avail until
we agree on its definition.
A loving person is an enroller who expands their
circle of friends automatically, causing all to love
each other; someone with a "loving act" is concerned
with survival and has but a handful of "friends," whom
together, seldom effect a positive significant change in
If you are holding a 30 lb. bar of
lead in your hands and someone offers you a bar of gold
you will have to let go of the lead to have the gold. In
other words, to have a magnificent relationship you must
be willing to let go of a crappy one, else, you
reveal a lie. The lie? —you believe you have been intending
to have a magnificent relationship.
All lies and all truths have
consequences, even the ones of which you are unaware.
Saying/believing you want others to succeed when the
results reveal otherwise shows that you are living a lie. The way out is to tell the
truth. To get to the truth you must be willing to start
with what appears to be an obvious lie, "I don't want
you to succeed because . . ." and see what comes up.
Most always it's an unconscious withhold.
If you fix a broken dish what you
have is a fixed broken dish, not at all what you would
have chosen. You don't have the skills to "fix" anyone
but yourself. No one around you can heal completely
until you heal you.
Only a person
addicted to abusing and being abused has a personal/intimate
relationship with an abusive person; abuse addicts always blame
their partner for the abuse.
The way to know what your intentions
have been is to look at the results you have been
producing for yourself and those around you.
If you marry someone who has not held
at least one job for 12 months in a row then you are a
helper; you are enabling a user for which there are
undesirable consequences—such a person cannot inspire a
child to be responsibly independent.
Most people are unaware of the power
of their psychic hexes, the unconscious thwarting
emanations, their intentions for another/others to fail for
various reasons. They lie, pretending they want everyone
to succeed yet the results their friends and neighbors
are producing prove otherwise.
When a teacher
withholds a truth a parent needs to
hear it keeps everyone stuck in more of the same.
Teachers use and teach an adversarial
(blame, fault, right-wrong) communication model
(win-lose, pass/fail, succeed by doing better than
others), consequently, their graduates use the same model
to seduce and attract partners and friends. Not having
learned any other way of communicating most couples have no choice
to use the same adversarial model during the divorce
A communication model is like water
to a fish. Just as a fish can't see water neither can
you see air or your communication model, unless—you ask
another for feedback; i.e. "What does it feel like to be on
the receiving end of my communications?" or, "Do I
inspire excellence or mediocrity?" or, the biggie,
"What would you change about me?"
The way you can tell which
communication model you operate from is to look at the
results your friends are producing. A positive
supportive, mutually satisfying communication model, the
one used throughout our tutorials, brings everyone along with you.
Communication always always results
in the experience of love whereas with talking something
appears to be missing, or, something, such as a thought
being withheld, is in the space.
Most couples are unaware that
the Adversarial Communication Model they learned
in high school is the same model they
seduced each other which causes (yes causes) an acrimonious
divorce. It absolutely guarantees that you and your
partner will withhold certain thoughts from each other
for strategic/survival reasons.
Most people cannot hear/experience
abuse/condescension. When they finally become aware that
it's been there all along it's usually too late. They
discover that their addiction was to attract and
abusively goad and reward an abuser.
Managers know that it's much easier
to teach an inexperienced but happy
person to be a competent employee than it is to teach a skilled
but unhappy person to consistently relate with peers and customers
It's virtually impossible for a
responsible CEO to attract and hire an angry, rude, or
grouchy employee. Employees always mirror a CEO's
integrity, his/her leadership-communication skills.
You do not have
the leadership-communication skills to teach your loved one how
to positively support you; to do so you must first have their permission
to change them, to improve them, to make them better, more
thoughtful, more loving honest or efficient.