Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating

This tip supports you in creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating. It's about consciously including a verbal fidelity agreement in your marriage vow. I say "consciously" because a marriage vow that does not contain a verbal fidelity agreement does in fact contain an implied non verbal* agreement; it non verbally implies that cheating will possibly be allowed. We know this to be true based upon the results typical marriage vows produce.

A fidelity agreement is a gift to you from millions and millions of divorced couples who, when they were exchanging marriage vows, never dreamed that cheating would take place in their marriage.

A fidelity agreement acknowledges that implied agreements have an effect. Put another way, if you don't verbally co-create a fidelity agreement you both are implying that cheating might be unconsciously supported/forgiven.

A fidelity agreement is so clear that your wedding guests, both sets of parents and any/all witnesses to the ceremony will not support either of you suing the other for alimony, possessions, or child custody in the event you cheat on your spouse or if you manipulate or cause/intend your spouse to cheat on you. It supports open, honest, and spontaneous communication, and personal responsibility. It precludes either spouse from later blaming the other, saying. "I didn't know." "I had no idea...." "I thought we were happy."

When a couple are in communication with each other it's virtually impossible for one to withhold even the thought of committing such a perpetration. Cheating takes place when both partners are stuck doing their imitation of communication.

A fidelity agreement further acknowledges that most of us cannot hear our own lies, therefore we often cannot tell when another is lying to us. Few divorced couples were conscious enough to know they were lying when they swore to each other, before God, "...till death do us part." Most honestly believed they were telling the truth, few were aware that that lie determined the outcome. A lie believed does not make it the truth.

To preclude cheating in your relationship:

Step #1 Print out this tip and hand a copy to your best friend, and your intended, and your parents. Or, email each a copy, or hand each a slip of paper with the URL <http://www.comcom121.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=123> on it.

For example:
Step #2 Ask the person what their thoughts are about this tip. Asking this followup question is a mini-communication skills test. It validates for you your ability to manifest your stated intention (to produce a specific result, causing another to read the tip) and your ability to consciously create a possibly uncomfortable conversation. It also lets you know exactly where you are about allowing for cheating in your marriage. To read this tip and pooh-pooh it suggests that you have a barrier to allowing others to support you. Predictably, you will attract a partner who will eventually pooh-pooh you.

The communication skills it takes to cause another to read this tip and for them to have a conversation with you about it are the exact same leadership-communication skills it takes to inspire fidelity in a marriage. The premise is that how you handle this mini-tutorial determines whom you will attract as a partner.

Fidelity Agreement:

To preclude cheating a marriage vow should include the following fidelity agreement (your words of course):

"If either of us cheat on the other the marriage is immediately annulled. All claims to our home, finances, possessions, and child custody are at the discretion of the other."

The word "annulled" is used to draw attention to the fact that your definition of a marriage includes lifelong fidelity. If cheating takes place then by definition it never was a marriage because the ceremony included the option to cheat; The "wedding" was in fact an imitation of a wedding ceremony, therefore there was/is no marriage.

To preclude cheating you must have a written prenuptial agreement. Ensure the prenup includes presigned copies of divorce papers giving each the option to divorce the other for any reason without contest or litigation. This agreement means that you have handled the consequences of cheating up front. You are instructing your partner,

A fidelity agreement works because all wedding guests, by virtue of attendance (as witnesses), will have agreed to support the vows.

Note 1: For a fidelity agreement to work all friends and wedding guests must communicate the Wedding Guest Vow to the engaged couple: Again, your words:
This means, if a guest cannot facilitate completion of an incident that he/she will call another wedding guest and together they will intervene. This agreement precludes partners from accumulating upsets and blaming the other for the results their leadership-communication skills are producing. The wedding guest support system prevents one partner from withholding sex so as to cause the other to seek it elsewhere—such a withhold is abusive and must be resolved within 24 hrs.

Note 2: A divorce completes the relationship that was. Once the divorce is legally finalized a couple may agree to remarry with new agreements. For the new relationship to work each must first complete a minimum of 25 hours of individual counseling or therapy. If you don't follow this advice you will bring the same leadership communication model into the next relationship, the very way of relating that does not inspire open and honest communication and respect for agreements.

Four reasons why it’s important for you to share this post with your closest friend, and your intended, and your parents:

1) If someone you are dating has read this then it’s a given that you both have allowed these thoughts to enter your minds. It will create space for you to have these kinds of conversations prior to getting engaged. Most importantly, they will know that you will never ever say that you didn't know they were cheating on you, and vice versa. Soon it will become the norm for daters to ask, “Where are you about fidelity agreements?”

2) Another reason it’s important for others to read this is that after you have had several discussions about marriage vows you'll know enough to address the nonverbal and implied agreements. You won't be able to feign surprise when you’ve caused cheating to take place. It virtually eliminates lying and blaming.

Examples of implied agreements and communications:

But Hillary, I didn't know I had an agreement to not let someone give me oral sex. I thought because you never mentioned it that it was OK as long as you didn't find out about it. I thought you agreed with me that it wasn't really sex. I intuited that I could con you into giving me another chance. Or, Where I blew it was I didn't let the public know that we had an implied agreement, that it was OK for me to see other women.

Bill, I knew long before your presidency that you couldn't be trusted. I see now that I was counting on you to cheat, that's why I didn't make it clear to you that cheating was the same as you insisting upon an immediate divorce (even in the middle of your term in office). What I was covertly up to was damaging your reputation forever in history. Notice how I've turned others against you causing many to think of me as the poor victim? Little do they know that I set you up using my leadership-communication skills—that I masterminded the whole enchilada. Or, Where I blew it was I didn't tell the public during your campaign for presidency that I allowed you to see other women.

FYI: There are communications that former President Bill Clinton and Hillary each could now deliver to the public that would support everyone in being complete and serve as awe-inspiring examples.

3) If you or your partner fail** to bring up the topic of a fidelity agreement and the consequences of cheating then you'll both know that the other wants the option of cheating.

4) Soon divorce attorneys will know enough to ask, “Did you include a fidelity agreement in your vows?" Clergy and civil magistrates will ask a couple where they are about a fidelity agreement, else, they become co-conspirators to the possibility of cheating.

Telling someone about this tip and having no intention for them to read it most assuredly guarantees that they will not read it. How you handle this is a predictor. As with all conversations in life, this too will have an effect on your relationships.

Your task when sharing this tip is not to change another's mind but to be the space for the truth to be told. In so doing you will discover your position, not your belief, but your fundamental operating principle, the one that determines whether or not cheating will be an issue in your relationship. Once you tell the truth you will begin to have choice.

It is both arrogant and irresponsible to assume that you will not create cheating. All divorced individuals, with the support of a communication skills coach, are able to recall (the mind hides the interaction from itself) the exact incident, (time, place, & subject) from which they formulated the unconscious intention to divorce; they acknowledge that they set up their partner to lie or cheat, or to initiate the divorce. Enlightenment allows one to see that they knew all along they were masterminding a divorce.

With aloha, Gabby


* The prevailing implied nonverbal agreement, the one that's unconsciously included in most of today's wedding vows, is, ...if I cheat I expect you to accept my apology and forgive me and remain married to me. And, if you cheat on me I will badmouth you to others and blame you rather than acknowledge that my leadership-communication skills intended the result. We know this is the agreement because of the results.

** If you are afraid to bring this subject up with your intended then you will most certainly cause the relationship to fail. If there is fear in the relationship there can be no open, honest, and spontaneous communication. It is unethical to present yourself as an honest person and withhold thoughts (especially this tip) from your partner; to do so grants him/her permission to withhold his/her thoughts of choice from you. Such behavior is in fact abusive. Abuse always produces undesirable results.

You may copy/quote this tip providing you acknowledge Kerry (a.k.a. Gabby) or Community Communications.

Feel free to comment by registering (free) and pressing the "reply" button