This same energy-sucking phenomenon takes place with relationships.
- Premise: Our integrity is such that we won't allow ourselves to achieve and maintain the experience of love, joy, health and prosperity without acknowledging life's perpetrations. Under all our beliefs we're so damn honest that we won't allow ourselves to abuse another, to lie, deceive or cheat and to feel good about our self—until we clean up (acknowledge) the messes (see The [free] Clearing Process —it's about restoring and maintaining your integrity).
Most "friends" serve as helper-feeders, feeding their black hole friend(s) with advice never specifically asked for, or taken.* These friends, addicted to helping, unconsciously cause (yes, cause) others to dump a problem in their space; neither having an intention for the interaction to solve (to disappear) the problem. This behavior, feeding a black hole with your attention, your listening-presence, is also referred to as enabling. Friendship with an enabler guarantees mediocrity and more of the same seemingly unsolvable problems.
A person whose path** —a lifetime of lying, cheating, conning, and blaming—requires that they implode;*** to do this they unconsciously seek out an enabler (someone addicted to helping) to facilitate the downward spiral. They often feel better after talking but both have the same problems(s).
You'll know you're a black hole enabler if you unconsciously (using your leadership-communication skills) conned an energy-sapping friend into dumping a problem in your space; it's referred to as a dump because they still have the problem. You didn't get clear if they intended to resolve the problem. Friendship with you and your present leadership-communication skills, guarantees more of the same. That is to say, you withheld specific significant thoughts he/she needs to hear so as to create more desirable problems. "Talking about" causes a problem to persist, whereas "communication" always works.
If a close friend has a persistent problem it reveals that you are withholding one or more specific thoughts from him/her; you have become stuck doing your imitation of communication. Note: If you have a child you are unconsciously teaching him/her to deceive you; if married, it's most likely that you conned your intended to deceive both sets of parents so as to have sex. As with all relationships, you must be willing to let go of the one that's not working. What you call love will not heal another. A black-hole can't succeed with you, the enabler, the talker. Note: A communicologist (a communication skills coach) will not engage in extended conversations with you until you can say you have not interacted with your abusive partner/relative/friend for 6-months in a row. This is because most people lie and say they don't want abuse yet they opt for 24 more hours of the same—many therapists are unconscious enablers, at the end of the first session they send clients home to create more trauma for their children.
Your question should be, "How do I effectively support a friend?"
* Advice not specifically asked for— I.e. "You should leave him." "If I were you, I'd quit." "Ground her for a week with no cell phone." "Why don't you just ask for a raise?" "You need to get that taken care of or ..." "Why don't you just return it?" "You should sue the bugger."
** "path" A life of deceiving and abusing (self and others), specifically, dragging around thousands of perpetrations into each present-day interaction. A person with dozens of "stories" as to why things didn't or aren't working. A life of intending all support (parents, teachers, clergy, and counselors) to fail. I.e. "I tried therapy and it didn't work." "I still have poor penmanship." All related irresponsibly, from blame. A life needing to reboot.
*** "implode" also referred to as "crashing and burning" so as to experience happiness, prosperity, and love. Typically the mind requires a fearful circumstance, an incident (such as a near-death health issue, a divorce, a job loss, or imprisonment) to motivate it to live from, and with, integrity.
Last edited 10/12/21