Most parents reply with their knee-jerk reaction, "Don't be afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just ..., etc."
This well-meant advice invalidates a child's experience, it wreaks havoc with a child's mind.* In one fell swoop it affected (however slightly) the child's spontaneity and confidence for life. Often, "Don't be afraid" isn't delivered with love; more likely it feels condescending, a chastisement, like an admonishment—a make-wrong. "I was feeling happy and now I'm not."
Communications that are not mutually satisfying, that don't feel good, are stored as incompletes. Life's unsatisfying interactions affect all similar interactions for life. All such incompletes can be completed via communication see The [free] Clearing Process.
- "Don't be afraid" also non-verbally communicates/implies, "You're wrong. There's no fear here. Stop being such a wimp. Other children your age are not afraid. I'm disappointed that you're afraid. I wasn't afraid at your age, (even worse, it can imply) I've never ever experienced fear so there's definitely something wrong with you."
Examples of a child's intra-personal communications: "What the hell? I am experiencing fear; I know what it is, I've experienced it before. Christ, I tell the truth and it upsets Mom and, I'm told I'm lying. In the future I'll try not to say things I think might upset Mom." Thinks the child, I got caught doing something I should not do, something that upsets a parent; it's believed to be something a "normal" intelligent well-behaved loving child would not do. I better learn how to stuff fears and act brave. And so begins one's addiction to deception, to withholding significant thoughts from significant others.
Keep in mind, you force your child to live in a household in which the adults are addicted to deceit, to withholding significant thoughts from each other, usually dramatizing upsets and blames daily, parents who seldom hug each other warmly anymore. Thinks a child, "Obviously I don't inspire love." You is supposed to protect your child—yet you submit him/her daily to abusive nonverbal interactions between you and your spouse. Note: Both (yes both) Columbine mothers reported they had no idea their child was that angry, that upset—neither were in-communication with their son.
When a parent lies (i.e. there is no fear here, you are not experiencing fear) the child begins to question its sanity. "My Mom says I'm not experiencing what I'm experiencing." Ever since that interaction, each time the child experiences what he/she believes to be fear, they stop, as the mother advised; they seldom conquer their fear.
Mo betta:
- Child: "I'm afraid."
Mother: "Yup. I get it. Tell me about it. What's it feel like? Where do you experience what you're calling fear? Let's see if you can choose to be afraid. Creating/re-creating an experience disappears it.
This reply facilitates disappearing fear via communication—as opposed to being fearful for life.
For example: A teen girl is usually afraid to introduce herself to a boy so as to ask him out. Such a teen typically (covertly) sets it up to be asked out. She only gets to choose from those who ask her out, often these are boys whom no conscious fearless girls with integrity have chosen. Her parents have non-verbally taught her to have fear in her relationship with certain men; she perfectly mirrors her parent's fear.
*
Child to parent: "I'm not hungry." "I'm not tired." "I don't want to go to school."
Parent: "I got it. What else is there about that? What other thoughts do you have about ...?"
If you don't get their complaints, their thoughts as considerations, they will carry the thoughts with them for life—adding them to their list of blames, "My parents didn't understand me."
Last edited 2/27/24